Saturday, December 8, 2012

Hello World Part 2: Early 2011

After this experience on Halloween 2010 one thing was for sure. The cat was out of the bag and you could not keep this girl down on the farm anymore. I had never felt better about myself and even though I laid low for awhile, as per my agreement with my wife, I was soon going to come out into the world and in a big way.

That is where part of Part 1 of Hello World, my coming out story, left off and we now find ourselves in November, 2010.....Part 2

November, as I recall, was a fairly uneventful month. I had promised my spouse I would not "dress" at the house with her at home, even in my little guest house. Everyone I had talked to told me to take it slow with her. Wives need time to adjust if she was ever going to accept me at all. I had made the agreement to lay low in that way until the first of 2011 when I told her I would pretty much do what I want to in the little house and she could do whatever she wanted to, wherever she wanted to be. There was a Christmas party for the Carolina Meeting Place group on December 11th, 2010 and I did get dressed at the house and drive to Raleigh to enjoy that party for a couple of hours. My spouse had gone to stay the night at her sister's house, also in Raleigh, on that night but she did know I was going to attend the party. I had also attended 2 parties with that group earlier in 2010, both on weekends she was also gone, but she did not know about either one until I told her after the fact.

The top picture was taken at the 2010 Christmas party with 75 year old group member Sydney and the bottom one in front of my Christmas tree when I arrived home later that night....

At the party I talked to group leader Candi and was happy to tell her that I had fully come out to my spouse and that I was going to be free to dress at home and go out a Lot more in the upcoming year.  I remember her telling me how cool it would be if my spouse would actually attend a party with me, but I do not think she realized the kind of relationship I had with her or that she would likely never go for a number of reasons.  One reason is that she doesn't go to parties and another is that she would not go out with me dressed as Tammy.  I did not go to parties in those days either.  The three CMP parties I went to in 2010 were the first time I had ever really ever done anything like that willingly, and I mean ever, even as my male self.  I was a very withdrawn and non social person then and had been all my life.  Only in finding myself and taking steps out as my true self was I ever able to open up and go to social functions like that.  Even to this day a piece of me fights going to these social parties. There is actually one going on right now, as I write this.  The 2012 CMP Christmas party is happening in Raleigh tonight and I was finally very psyched to go and be with Mitchell but unfortunately I have a sore throat and have gotten sick. 

That is a story for another update, but getting back to the 2010 Christmas party, one more thing happened that turned out to be significant later.  One that I did not think much about at the time.  There was a man there I saw at a table talking to one of the other girls and I believe he came over to the bar later and introduced himself to me and another girl but we did not talk.  He had on glasses and was a little shorter than me and I thought he was cute.  I did imagine myself going out with him but of course I never thought it would actually happen.  The next year I would get to know him a little bit better and eventually he would become my first real boyfriend.  That is right, it was at this party that I first laid eyes on Mitchell, the man that I love so much today and hope to have a future with. :)  I had a couple of beers at the party but I did not want to drink too much and drive so I did not even stay long enough for the group picture.  Getting out to a party with my spouse's knowledge was a first for me and a good feeling and getting more comfortable going out in public and going to a social event was very good for me also.

After this party I was pretty much shut down from having any time to be myself until the first of the year.  I remember falling into a bit of a depression over this, even with all the holiday cheer.  I had finally gotten a taste of what freedom to be myself would be like and it was taken away, though only temporarily.  On January 2, 2011 I first exercised my newly acquired freedom to be myself and do what I wanted in the little guest house.  Thank God for Flickr dating when pictures were taken so I can give exact dates on these events.  That would pretty much be my pattern for the next few months, except that I was also making some trips outside the house and going for drive, to stores etc.  I went to a couple of malls during weekdays also but not in my town.  I was working for myself then and business was slow so I took a lot of opportunities to do my own thing, explore being out as myself, play with different looks at home and explore how I was feeling about my gender.  I was "dressing" a Lot more than I ever had and I did not expect this but it began to make my detransformation back to "male mode" even more difficult and I began to become even more dysfunctional in life as a male than I already was.  And I was Not functioning that well to start out with.  I worked less than I could have just to have more time to be myself and I cut off one of my two friends from coming to visit me.  I stopped my friend from coming over partly to have more time to express myself and partially because I can only characterize him and his older son that would come here as rednecks and bigots and I could not stand to fake tolerance of them here anymore.  The friendship did not last long after that.

The top picture was taken on January 2, 2011 and the bottom one on February 3, 2011.  I was really working on my look during this time and I desperately wanted to be able to blend in as public as a normal woman.  I was still hanging on to a heavier make up look, but I think I was on the right track.

April 2011 arrived and it was a pivotal month for me.  On  Saturday, April 18th,  I was over at my little house as usual putting on makeup and preparing to have a night as myself at the house.  I would sometimes drive over to Wilson, about 20 miles from my home, and go to stores and so forth until 9 pm or so then return home.  I also liked to spend some time sitting at my bar and looking at myself in the big mirror.  I do not think I was being narcissistic as much as I was enjoying seeing an image of myself the way I wanted to be and the way I felt I Should look.   Having to take all the makeup, wig, etc. off and look at myself was not as pleasant.  Even with all the time I had to dress now, sometimes I would literally cry when I had to take it all off.  I remember that feeling going back to 2008 when I first moved into this house, and even before, when I lived in the country in a trailer.  The more time I had to express to express myself the way I wanted to be, the harder it was to go back.  I was surprised by that at first because I thought I could come closer to satisfying my desire to be and look female by crossdressing more.  I wanted to change and be female full time but I knew there was no way that could Ever happen with my parents still alive.  I had considered that possibility years ago and had always fantasized about it but Knew that could not be my reality, until possibly when they would both pass away.  I do not think I had internally coined the phrase "Mt. Everest" yet to describe the obstacle of coming out to my parents so that I might transition but that is what is what was, in essence, and had been since I first found out that such a thing was possible.

So back to April 18th; I was getting ready and suddenly here was my spouse knocking on my door.  She always left me completely alone when I was out there unless we talked first and then I was taking off my makeup etc. before she came back.  On those nights I would usually hang out by myself half the night then take everything off and watch tv with her for a couple hours before bed and on this night I had agreed to "change back" at 9:30 to watch tv with her.  I had been trying to integrate her into my "Tammy time" but so far she had been resistant and I was happy just to have that time and was still trying to take it slowly with her.  It seems that on this night the weather was turning bad and a bad tornado was on the radar and not far away.  She was scared and wanted to come in, so I let her in. 

Around this time in 2011 I was sort of trying to turn my Flickr page into a blog.  A lot of change was happening (and much more was on the way) and for a period of time at least I would write blog like descriptive posts under my pictures.  Rather than try to rehash the events of the 16th and the week that followed, I am going to include under the next three pictures the text I actually wrote at that time last year.  So here is a blast from the past in pictures and writing and this will give you a closer glimpse into my life at that time and a taste of my early attempt at blogging....

                           April 16,2011: Winds of Change

Saturday night in the Little house.

For those of you who might be interested, Saturday was a most interesting night around here.  My wife had planned all week to go off to visit family Saturday night, but when the weekend came she postponed the trip until Sunday.  I told her I would be dressing anyway in my little guest house  She agreed, but I compromised and agreed to change back to my drab self at 9:30 so we could watch some shows together.
I got in and started dressing after 5 and in about 30 minutes I heard my wife knocking on the locked door.  Now I am in the bathroom applying my makeup and dressed in only panties, hose and some flats.  It seems we were having a bad storm, potential tornado (nothing came of it here) and she was scared.  So I threw on my jeans and reluctantly let her in.  There I am 3/4 of the way made up, my bare feet showing my painted toenails that she had only recently seen for the first time.  She had never seen Tammy and now there she was behind the scenes seeing me half dressed, not how I would have wanted to present myself to her.
What she needed now was a cigarette to calm her nerves and this is the only place we allow smoking so I went back in the bathroom to finish  my makeup while she smoked at the bar.  Nervous would best describe my mood at this point, as all my locking footlockers with all my Tammy things were open and about.
When I came out and started putting my makeup away she commented that I have more products than her (and I do).  She also told me the footlockers were a good place to keep my things.  I told her it was a little messy in there and I would prefer a closet.  The storm had about passed and she was ready to go back to the house, I did throw on some hair so that I looked better but she did not want to see that.  She had now seen me in full makeup (although lighter, more of a day look than I have in the pic here) and I wanted her to see the full deal.
Although she turned away and did not get a good look at me with a wig on (she has only seen a couple pics), she was in a good mood and I took that as a positive indication that maybe she is moving toward acceptance.  A little later I heard her outside fixing the wind chimes and I opened the door and she saw me fully dressed for the first time.  It was an awkward moment and I waved and shut the door but still she seemed in good spirits.
As my "Tammy time" wore down and 9:30 approached I had put most everything up but was still dressed (same outfit and hair as this pic but with flats instead of heels) I was ready for anything from her.  This is a woman that will let you know if something is wrong, if something is bothering her.  9:20 gets here and she comes in, the door is not locked now.  All I think is that she was curious and wanted to see Tammy again, but why else she came early I do not know.  She did want/expect me to change back to drab then and I did, but she was treated to one more look although she sorta avoided me till I was changed.  Key here was that we had a good time the rest of the night and we seem closer than we have been in a long time.  I know this is hard for her, but since our marriage now is one of friendship and not intimacy she seems to be dealing with my feminine self much better than I ever expected.  I told her about Tammy last October and I do not know where this will lead us, but I will say today that I am glad I did tell her and if things change I feel it will be for the better.

After the Storm

For those of you who are interested I have Much to update from the story in the last picture narrative.
The week after the storms that devastated so much of the state but luckily spared my area was a very fascinating and I think productive week here. The coming Saturday I was to go shopping with three of my tgirl friends in another city, this with the wife's approval. Early in the week I bought a pair of ladies jeans from a thrift store (my first female "pants") and when I got home and tried them on they fit, but not the way I think ladies jeans should fit so I scrapped them from my shopping outfit but decided to wear them around the house. My wife actually thought they are nice jeans and I wore them around her and even when we went to dinner with my parents one night. No one knew, they look/fit kind of like my male jeans so I will keep looking for a perfect pair of fem jeans but keep wearing these all the time.
Another thing that happened during the week was I went to the mall a couple of times with my wife. We have a wedding coming up, so I am having to find some (male) clothes for me and my dad and we were looking for accessories for her too. We usually split up when we go to the mall, but we stayed together for a bit and when it became obvious that I was looking at dresses etc. (for me) she left me to be on my own but was non judgmental. However, the second trip she came around after I had been looking at skirts and tops and actually helped me pick out something that matched. Although that outfit did not fit right when I got home and we are going to take it back, the fact that she helped made me very happy.
Now we get to the part of Saturday arriving and my shopping day with the girls. It was a really fun excursion, but the most memorable part happened after I arrived home. This story is getting a little long, so I am going to continue it under the next picture.
Stay tuned.....

Continued from the last post/pic....

Here is a picture taken early Saturday morning (about 8:15) as I headed out of town to go shopping with three tgirl friends.  I promised my wife I would come home about dark and 12 hours later I arrived home and went into the little house.  I was dressed fairly simply, this Kim Rodgers top a knee length skirt and black flats.  I did buy new hair on our shopping trip (stay tuned for new pics with that hair) and when I got in I changed from the skirt to my girls jeans.  My wife was due over at 9 to watch tv and by 8:50 I had put everything up, but was still en femme when she showed up early again.

She did not seem as uncomfortable as last week seeing Tammy, and she did get a few good looks this time.  I asked her honestly if we could just watch tv and let me stay in girl mode.  She said ok, sorta.  I had to take the wig off (replaced it with a ball cap) and then the bra and ear rings.  But that was it!  I got to leave on my blouse, makeup and leave my fingernails painted.  I forgot to mention it in the last post but Friday night I painted my fingernails to match my toenails and we had sat around that night watching tv.  She seemed sorta happy about it and asked me questions about how long it took to paint them etc.
Back to Saturday...  There I was with my wife watching tv almost completely en femme and I was on cloud 9.  I put my new hair on the bar on a wig head and it was out in plain view all night.  She asked me a few questions about the wig and did comment that it was nice and she liked it.  The previous week she had mentioned that I should get one close to my natural color and I pointed out how I considered her input in my decision/purchase.  Even though I did not get to wear the hair anymore that night it now has a home on a wig head in a closet in my main house, it is not relegated to going back into a bag in a box in the little house.  That I consider a big step and I even have a couple things hanging in that closet now as we speak and a couple skirts and bra folded on the guest bed.  :)
We had a great night watching Melrose Place on dvd and giggling like two girlfriends.  I felt really comfortable with her and I think she felt the same way but getting her used to Tammy is still a process.  I promised her I would wait till the weekend to get fully dressed again .  She did tell me that I looked like a real girl (even with no "hair) and that she liked my makeup, but the next day she asked me if I was trying to look like a prostitute wearing so much eye makeup.  I had tried to tone down the eye makeup for my day look but I guess I still have a ways to go there, although I may never be able to pull off the natural look with no makeup that she does so well.

The following weekend on April 30th, I would drive to Raleigh and go to the big Crabtree Mall for the first time by myself.  I commented then that that is the way I would go shopping from then on and that I was feeling very comfortable out and I did not think anyone noticed me.  I was  more confident out in public wearing my new wig as I felt it looked more natural than my others.  I had read that people going into gender therapy should spend time, up to a year, going out in public to various places as the gender they wanted to be and get a feel for whether it was really right for them or not.  I would not step into a therapist office for another 7.5 months after the end of April but I was starting to really do that work now.  It felt good and I definitely felt "right" and better about myself out (or in) as a female than my other self.  I wanted to go to a therapist but I still did not think that I could fully transition for years or as long as my parents were around.  I typically dragged my feet on the therapist situation as I did on most everything, plus I really feared going in to see any kind of psychologist because I had a bad experience with one as a teen and because I genuinely thought I would be found to be insane on perhaps a number of levels.  It would take a little time to get over that fear but I was about to get enlightened on a possibility for me to actually scale Mt. Everest.  Over the next few months my wife became comfortable being around me as Tammy.   In Part 3 we will look at the next few months of 2011 when things Really got interesting here in Tammy World.  Part 3 will be my next post so stay tuned.........

1 comment:

  1. This is like watching a mini series and having to wait for the next chapter. Doing a great job sis and can't wait to read the next chapter.