Monday, December 24, 2012

12/21/2012 Full Time

December 21, 2012 was the winter solstice of 2012 and the last day of the Mayan Calendar.  The world did not end and for me there was a new beginning.

The events of this past week have been amazing and overwhelming.  The highs and lows have been incredible and there is no doubt that this has been the most pivotal and important week in my entire life. This is an outline of my epoch week.

Sunday

Sunday I woke up Danville, Virginia with Mitchell and he had to go to work early then came back to the room around 9am.  He had to go back to work at 1pm and after I checked out of the room at 2pm, I watched the Washington Redskins game in the lobby until 4 when he showed up and was off for the day.  He still had to drive all the way back to Raleigh and then all the way back to Lynchburg, Virginia, a total of about 5 hours of driving.  We had dinner in Danville then I followed him to Raleigh where we went out for ice cream before he drove back north and I drove home.  My spouse had gone out of town, so when I got home about 1030pm I stayed in my little house until 1230.  When I went back next door to go to bed I noticed a letter on the kitchen table.  The letter was from a lawyer my spouse has hired to file for separation/divorce.  I was a taken aback but I planned to talk to her about it Monday when she returned.

Monday

I ate breakfast with my parents and took my Dad shopping for a new flat screen television and 2 digital cameras.  One of the cameras is part of my Christmas present and I need it as my purse camera died recently.  We picked out a 50" LCD tv for their house and another digital camera for my mom.  I tried calling my spouse's cell phone a few times and left messages there and at our house.  I wanted to talk to her about the letter from the lawyer.  We had discussed separation and it was inevitable but I did not think she would get a lawyer without me knowing.

After leaving Wal Mart with the goodies my dad and I went to lunch at a hamburger place.  We were almost finished when I got a call back from my spouse.  I went outside to take the call and received the news that she was not coming home, she had left me for good.  What about Christmas?  What about the dogs?  What about us planning this together as we have discussed?  I told her I would call her back when I got home and I rushed my Dad out the restaurant, went to his house to unload everything and called her back when I got home.  I was not mistaken , she was leaving and did not plan to return.  She cut me off and did not answer her phone the rest of the afternoon.  That afternoon I left her 5 voice messages and was crying on most of them.  That night I left her one more about her dog and she called back but our talk was brief.  I was alone at home and spent at least half the day and night crying.

Tuesday

I was to eat lunch with my Mom and that morning she had the big screen tv installed in her den.  Her workers brought me their old television for my living room and then I went to the bank.  I went to the front desk to get an ATM and Visa debit card made for my personal account and check the balance of the joint account with my spouse.  She greeted me by asking me "Ma'am can I help you?"  After seeing my ID she addressed me as sir from then on.  I was in my "uncomfortable" mode as I had been Monday when out with my dad.  After leaving the bank I went to lunch at my parents and intentionally left the case for my Invisalign braces in their bathroom when I left.

When I got home I called Mom and told her I left the case there and asked her to bring it.  She was more than happy to so she could also see our Christmas tree and how the television looked in our home.  When she got there I asked her to sit down and told there was something I wanted to talk about as I handed her my coming out letter.  She had to go to the sun room and stand and read it in better light.  She nodded her head up and down a few times while reading the letter and part of the way in she said knew it was something like this.  At one point halfway in she hugged me and we both shed a few tears.  Afterwards, we sat on the couch and talked for about 45 minutes.  I told her my spouse had left me and one of her many questions was did I have another sexual relationship.  At first I tried not to answer, just focus the conversation on me but I could not lie and I did admit to having a boyfriend.   To my great surprise not only did she not freak out about my coming out to her as transsexual but she seemed to take in stride that I had a boyfriend.  And she didn't seem upset that my spouse had left.  This had gone better than I Ever expected and it was not as emotional as I thought it would be for either of us.  She left and told me she was going home to talk with my father.

I got to Mt Everest and the mountain was not there...

My Dad called me later that afternoon and told me he loved me, everything was ok and asked me out to dinner.  I declined but was so relieved that him and mom were ok with me and their hearts did not seem to be broken.  They both did want to go with me to my therapist meeting in Durham the next day so we planned for them to be here at 1030am.  Even though I was just blown away by how easy it had been to finally come out to my parents and how quickly and completely they were accepting me, I was in a lot of pain about my spouse leaving as she did. I felt so alone and empty in the house I could not sleep. I spoke to Mitchell on the phone about 430am until sunrise then I managed to get a little sleep. 

Wednesday

I had appointments with my second therapist on December17th and 28th.  The plan was to finalize my approach to Mt Everest on the 17th, climb the mountain on the 27th and meet with her for support and damage control on the 28th.  I had arrived at Everest early and it evaporated into the mist as I approached.  The mountain had been an illusion and instead of damage control I was taking my parents to my therapist meeting to further educate them on my condition and treatment.  The week before I met with my original therapist who I had started the coming out letter with months ago.  I wrote most of that letter in 40 minutes one inspired night but it lacked an ending.  With my therapist in the room I was able to finally write the last lines a week before I handed it to my mom.  In those last lines I told her I had chosen the name Tammy for myself and that I would be honored if she would give me a middle name. 

I had emailed the therapist and said that my parents were coming with me and that I would be in a more androgynous mode than usual when I got there.  This was the mode I usually saw my parents in but I had been called ma'am at the bank just like this the day before.  My mom told me on the way up that she was not crazy about the name Tammy but in a prayer the middle name Ann had come to her.  She could call me by my initials like some refer to her, and that would be TAM.  To me that was short for Tammy and I was just thrilled not only at their instant acceptance but also that I now had a middle name.  Tammy Ann Matthews is to be my new name and I was so happy and proud!  The therapist actually teared up at one pint when we were telling her this.  She said she wished more parents would be as accepting as mine.  After we all met together I left the room for awhile so that my parents could ask her questions.  The meeting went well and it was overall just an incredible day.

Thursday

I was to eat lunch at my parents house and my mom had begun to call me Tam about half the time and use female pronouns also.  They were quick learners and their eager acceptance of me showed me yet again just how much they love me unconditionally.  My Mom said that she had already told her best friend and she had been happy for me and excited that I would finally get to live a life that was right for me. I went shopping before coming over and was still in a somewhat uncomfortable mode, though more androgynous than male.  On the way over I told Mom that my boyfriend was coming to town to stay with me but if she didn't want him to come to my house we could get a hotel room.  She seemed surprised and said she thought I was going to let him go for awhile.  I told her no, all I had agreed to was not to move him in for awhile.  Doing that would not be practical for some time anyway because of both of our divorces.  She said it would be ok for him to come over and stay in the little house, which is what I intended to do anyway.  When I got there she apologized for her questions and said that she was treating me like a teenager again.  Maybe finally I am growing up and she is finally starting to treat me as an adult.  I have stated that it is as if my relationship with them and my development in certain areas of my life was arrested in my teenage years and finally that was starting to change.  So much was happening this week and things were moving so fast. 

Mitchell had to work a full day in Virginia and got to my house very late.  We had dinner at Chili's and came home and exchanged presents.  I got a Blue tooth for my cell phone, three silver rings with real stones, 3 pairs of ear rings (one with diamond chips) and a necklace.  I also got a makeup train case and a the Versace Yellow Diamonds perfume gift set I had wanted, which also came with a carrying case and nice Vercsace bag. I wondered if I was dating a fine man or Santa Clause, lol  This year maybe he is some of both but I was very happy and I think he was happy with his presents too.  I hooked him up with a gift card and a bag of DVD's.  The best present was getting to spend some time with my man and with him holding me I was able to get a decent nights sleep for the first time this week.



Friday:   December 21, 2012 

We got up kind of late and had a very romantic morning on the winter solstice of 2012.  About 2 pm we left the house to do a little shopping and because we had eaten breakfast close to noon, we were not hungry.  He bought me up a sub  from an Italian restaurant and had to hit the road before 4pm to pick up his kids from day care back home.  After Mitchell left I noticed I had 2 calls from my dad and I called him back.  He had to go by the post office down the street from my house and wanted to see me a minute.  I told him to bring mom and come on over.  I think they wanted to see the real me and they got a chance to for the first time!  Momma was beaming and she called me Tammy instead of Tam for the first time.  Dad called me Tammy for the first time also and he seemed content and Mom seemed so happy!  I told her I could hold off until the first of the year to be myself all the time and said why wait.  The next day my stepdaughter and her husband were coming down and mom told me to come on just like this.  I was ecstatic and since on this day I did not have to change back to some less than female form to see them, I realized I did not have to go back, ever.  This was the day that the Mayan Calendar ends and a new epoch begins.  December 21, 2012  was truly a monumental day in my life and journey.  I could now live full time as Tammy Ann Matthews and Tammy World will never be the same again.  FABULOUS!

Saturday

On this day my spouse's daughter and her husband were to arrive at my parents home at 1pm for our Christmas dinner with them.  Friday afternoon Mitchell had a talk with me before going home and emphasised how great my parents quick acceptance had been and made me realize that finally I was going to have the life I need now and had wanted for soo long.  Between that talk and the joy I got from my parents seeing me for the fist time, I was not crying over my spouse leaving on Friday night and finally was able to digest and enjoy the success of this monumental week.  I got a good sleep alone for the first time of the week but awoke dreaming of seeing and talking with my stepdaughter.  I was going over what to say to her in my head, so I decided to get up early and type my thoughts into an email.  In my dream she was supportive of my true self just as I knew she would be but she was also mad at me for having another relationship and hurting her mother.  In my email I just explained what was going on with me, my relationship with her Mom, what I had been feeling and explaining my transition.  I told her how much better I was feeling and that I finally had hope for the future.  I did not address the other relationship specifically but I apologized for hurting her, her mom and the family.

When they arrived they both hugged me and everything was normal except it seemed better than usual.  We communicated more and were more relaxed with each other than ever and I didn't get any negative vibe from my stepdaughter at all.  I think she knows what the score was with her mom and me and she just wants the best for each of us now.  I was a little surprised by the fact that her husband and I actually talked more and seemed more at ease with each other than ever before.  When I was not in the room he told my mom that he thought (transition) was the best thing I had ever done.  The must have been able to see a big difference in the new me and the old me. 

*****

What an outstanding week this has been.  My life will never be the same.  There is a new life for me now, the dawn of a new era in Tammy World.  I will analyse these events further and keep you posted on how things are going in future posts.  It is time to celebrate Christmas now and I am going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with my parents and my dogs.  The Christmas pictures should be interesting this year and better than ever.  I do hope you all have a great holiday and here's wishing y'all a very Merry Christmas from Tammy World!!!