Monday, December 17, 2012

Special Update

"Even with parts of my world crashing in on me I still view the glass as half full.
The glass is half full but it is broken and has a jagged edge. I must sip carefully so as not to cut my lip..."

Tammy Matthews 12/17/2012 

Prophesy, premonitions, psychic phenomenon, the writing on the wall..............

The blog I am about to post, Hello World Part 3, was actually written last week.  I finished it very late Friday night and needed to proof it before posting it at the beginning of this week.  I arrived back home last night fairly late and tired from a whirlwind 2 day/1 night to Virginia to see my boyfriend.  My spouse had said she might be gone for the evening and she was.  It was not until today that I found out she has left home and wants to begin our separation immediately.  We have talked about this and had planned it for after the first of the year.  It does not seem to me that one week prior to Christmas is the right time to do this....

Having her gone is more painful than I had imagined.  I guess it is just the familiarity and having someone else besides my dogs at home.  She even left her dog here.  I realize that this is inevitable and actually necessary for us both to move forward in our lives.  Still, I wish there was some way I could bring her back to live here or close to here even during our mandatory one year separation (thanks state of North Carolina).  Everything is amicable so there will be no disputed divorce but the pain is still very real, at least on this end. 

Hello World Part 3 deals with a time in my life that was a turning point both in my progression toward transition and my relationship with my spouse.  It is prophetic that I had written this post and then had this happen over the weekend.  I also had nightmares involving my spouse Friday night and Sunday I broke down in tears remembering times we had travelling.  I was hit with an emotional tidal wave of thoughts back to our good times going to the beach etc., at about the same time she would have been actually leaving the house here.  And I did not know that's what she was doing.

Prophesy, premonitions, psychic phenomenon, the writing on the wall..............

The following quotes are from Hello World 3 and were written before I knew she was leaving.

"It's like during this time in our lives she really helped me along in my journey, but chose not to join me on it...."

"What she would tell me is that I should tell my parents and then live full time as myself, Tammy. She would always add that of course her and I would not be together anymore, but that should come as no surprise because as I stated earlier she has been talking of/threatening to leave since before we were even legally married."

I was not going to post these blog posts today.  I was thinking about taking a break from it until things shook out a little bit.  I have Mitchell to thank for encouraging me to go ahead and post them.  They are hopefully an inspiration to others and perhaps therapeutic for me.  I hope you enjoy Hello World Part 3 and I will continue to follow up with more posts on what happened in my life leading up to my launching this blog in June 2012. 

I think current events will move up my "Mt. Everest moment" from my planned date of December 27th.  It will likely happen sooner now, possibly as early as tomorrow.  I will not leave my readers hanging the way she has left me so stay tuned.....

1 comment:

  1. Hi Tammy,

    Thanks for keeping us informed. I am really feeling for you at the moment. You accept the inevitability of it all and at the same time realise the difference as well.

    Perhaps the closure on this chapter may be inspiring, it sounds like it is.

    I'm thinking of you and I wish there wasn't that great expanse of water between us so I could offer more support.

    All my love and hugs,

    Lucy x