Monday, December 24, 2012

12/21/2012 Full Time

December 21, 2012 was the winter solstice of 2012 and the last day of the Mayan Calendar.  The world did not end and for me there was a new beginning.

The events of this past week have been amazing and overwhelming.  The highs and lows have been incredible and there is no doubt that this has been the most pivotal and important week in my entire life. This is an outline of my epoch week.


Sunday I woke up Danville, Virginia with Mitchell and he had to go to work early then came back to the room around 9am.  He had to go back to work at 1pm and after I checked out of the room at 2pm, I watched the Washington Redskins game in the lobby until 4 when he showed up and was off for the day.  He still had to drive all the way back to Raleigh and then all the way back to Lynchburg, Virginia, a total of about 5 hours of driving.  We had dinner in Danville then I followed him to Raleigh where we went out for ice cream before he drove back north and I drove home.  My spouse had gone out of town, so when I got home about 1030pm I stayed in my little house until 1230.  When I went back next door to go to bed I noticed a letter on the kitchen table.  The letter was from a lawyer my spouse has hired to file for separation/divorce.  I was a taken aback but I planned to talk to her about it Monday when she returned.


I ate breakfast with my parents and took my Dad shopping for a new flat screen television and 2 digital cameras.  One of the cameras is part of my Christmas present and I need it as my purse camera died recently.  We picked out a 50" LCD tv for their house and another digital camera for my mom.  I tried calling my spouse's cell phone a few times and left messages there and at our house.  I wanted to talk to her about the letter from the lawyer.  We had discussed separation and it was inevitable but I did not think she would get a lawyer without me knowing.

After leaving Wal Mart with the goodies my dad and I went to lunch at a hamburger place.  We were almost finished when I got a call back from my spouse.  I went outside to take the call and received the news that she was not coming home, she had left me for good.  What about Christmas?  What about the dogs?  What about us planning this together as we have discussed?  I told her I would call her back when I got home and I rushed my Dad out the restaurant, went to his house to unload everything and called her back when I got home.  I was not mistaken , she was leaving and did not plan to return.  She cut me off and did not answer her phone the rest of the afternoon.  That afternoon I left her 5 voice messages and was crying on most of them.  That night I left her one more about her dog and she called back but our talk was brief.  I was alone at home and spent at least half the day and night crying.


I was to eat lunch with my Mom and that morning she had the big screen tv installed in her den.  Her workers brought me their old television for my living room and then I went to the bank.  I went to the front desk to get an ATM and Visa debit card made for my personal account and check the balance of the joint account with my spouse.  She greeted me by asking me "Ma'am can I help you?"  After seeing my ID she addressed me as sir from then on.  I was in my "uncomfortable" mode as I had been Monday when out with my dad.  After leaving the bank I went to lunch at my parents and intentionally left the case for my Invisalign braces in their bathroom when I left.

When I got home I called Mom and told her I left the case there and asked her to bring it.  She was more than happy to so she could also see our Christmas tree and how the television looked in our home.  When she got there I asked her to sit down and told there was something I wanted to talk about as I handed her my coming out letter.  She had to go to the sun room and stand and read it in better light.  She nodded her head up and down a few times while reading the letter and part of the way in she said knew it was something like this.  At one point halfway in she hugged me and we both shed a few tears.  Afterwards, we sat on the couch and talked for about 45 minutes.  I told her my spouse had left me and one of her many questions was did I have another sexual relationship.  At first I tried not to answer, just focus the conversation on me but I could not lie and I did admit to having a boyfriend.   To my great surprise not only did she not freak out about my coming out to her as transsexual but she seemed to take in stride that I had a boyfriend.  And she didn't seem upset that my spouse had left.  This had gone better than I Ever expected and it was not as emotional as I thought it would be for either of us.  She left and told me she was going home to talk with my father.

I got to Mt Everest and the mountain was not there...

My Dad called me later that afternoon and told me he loved me, everything was ok and asked me out to dinner.  I declined but was so relieved that him and mom were ok with me and their hearts did not seem to be broken.  They both did want to go with me to my therapist meeting in Durham the next day so we planned for them to be here at 1030am.  Even though I was just blown away by how easy it had been to finally come out to my parents and how quickly and completely they were accepting me, I was in a lot of pain about my spouse leaving as she did. I felt so alone and empty in the house I could not sleep. I spoke to Mitchell on the phone about 430am until sunrise then I managed to get a little sleep. 


I had appointments with my second therapist on December17th and 28th.  The plan was to finalize my approach to Mt Everest on the 17th, climb the mountain on the 27th and meet with her for support and damage control on the 28th.  I had arrived at Everest early and it evaporated into the mist as I approached.  The mountain had been an illusion and instead of damage control I was taking my parents to my therapist meeting to further educate them on my condition and treatment.  The week before I met with my original therapist who I had started the coming out letter with months ago.  I wrote most of that letter in 40 minutes one inspired night but it lacked an ending.  With my therapist in the room I was able to finally write the last lines a week before I handed it to my mom.  In those last lines I told her I had chosen the name Tammy for myself and that I would be honored if she would give me a middle name. 

I had emailed the therapist and said that my parents were coming with me and that I would be in a more androgynous mode than usual when I got there.  This was the mode I usually saw my parents in but I had been called ma'am at the bank just like this the day before.  My mom told me on the way up that she was not crazy about the name Tammy but in a prayer the middle name Ann had come to her.  She could call me by my initials like some refer to her, and that would be TAM.  To me that was short for Tammy and I was just thrilled not only at their instant acceptance but also that I now had a middle name.  Tammy Ann Matthews is to be my new name and I was so happy and proud!  The therapist actually teared up at one pint when we were telling her this.  She said she wished more parents would be as accepting as mine.  After we all met together I left the room for awhile so that my parents could ask her questions.  The meeting went well and it was overall just an incredible day.


I was to eat lunch at my parents house and my mom had begun to call me Tam about half the time and use female pronouns also.  They were quick learners and their eager acceptance of me showed me yet again just how much they love me unconditionally.  My Mom said that she had already told her best friend and she had been happy for me and excited that I would finally get to live a life that was right for me. I went shopping before coming over and was still in a somewhat uncomfortable mode, though more androgynous than male.  On the way over I told Mom that my boyfriend was coming to town to stay with me but if she didn't want him to come to my house we could get a hotel room.  She seemed surprised and said she thought I was going to let him go for awhile.  I told her no, all I had agreed to was not to move him in for awhile.  Doing that would not be practical for some time anyway because of both of our divorces.  She said it would be ok for him to come over and stay in the little house, which is what I intended to do anyway.  When I got there she apologized for her questions and said that she was treating me like a teenager again.  Maybe finally I am growing up and she is finally starting to treat me as an adult.  I have stated that it is as if my relationship with them and my development in certain areas of my life was arrested in my teenage years and finally that was starting to change.  So much was happening this week and things were moving so fast. 

Mitchell had to work a full day in Virginia and got to my house very late.  We had dinner at Chili's and came home and exchanged presents.  I got a Blue tooth for my cell phone, three silver rings with real stones, 3 pairs of ear rings (one with diamond chips) and a necklace.  I also got a makeup train case and a the Versace Yellow Diamonds perfume gift set I had wanted, which also came with a carrying case and nice Vercsace bag. I wondered if I was dating a fine man or Santa Clause, lol  This year maybe he is some of both but I was very happy and I think he was happy with his presents too.  I hooked him up with a gift card and a bag of DVD's.  The best present was getting to spend some time with my man and with him holding me I was able to get a decent nights sleep for the first time this week.

Friday:   December 21, 2012 

We got up kind of late and had a very romantic morning on the winter solstice of 2012.  About 2 pm we left the house to do a little shopping and because we had eaten breakfast close to noon, we were not hungry.  He bought me up a sub  from an Italian restaurant and had to hit the road before 4pm to pick up his kids from day care back home.  After Mitchell left I noticed I had 2 calls from my dad and I called him back.  He had to go by the post office down the street from my house and wanted to see me a minute.  I told him to bring mom and come on over.  I think they wanted to see the real me and they got a chance to for the first time!  Momma was beaming and she called me Tammy instead of Tam for the first time.  Dad called me Tammy for the first time also and he seemed content and Mom seemed so happy!  I told her I could hold off until the first of the year to be myself all the time and said why wait.  The next day my stepdaughter and her husband were coming down and mom told me to come on just like this.  I was ecstatic and since on this day I did not have to change back to some less than female form to see them, I realized I did not have to go back, ever.  This was the day that the Mayan Calendar ends and a new epoch begins.  December 21, 2012  was truly a monumental day in my life and journey.  I could now live full time as Tammy Ann Matthews and Tammy World will never be the same again.  FABULOUS!


On this day my spouse's daughter and her husband were to arrive at my parents home at 1pm for our Christmas dinner with them.  Friday afternoon Mitchell had a talk with me before going home and emphasised how great my parents quick acceptance had been and made me realize that finally I was going to have the life I need now and had wanted for soo long.  Between that talk and the joy I got from my parents seeing me for the fist time, I was not crying over my spouse leaving on Friday night and finally was able to digest and enjoy the success of this monumental week.  I got a good sleep alone for the first time of the week but awoke dreaming of seeing and talking with my stepdaughter.  I was going over what to say to her in my head, so I decided to get up early and type my thoughts into an email.  In my dream she was supportive of my true self just as I knew she would be but she was also mad at me for having another relationship and hurting her mother.  In my email I just explained what was going on with me, my relationship with her Mom, what I had been feeling and explaining my transition.  I told her how much better I was feeling and that I finally had hope for the future.  I did not address the other relationship specifically but I apologized for hurting her, her mom and the family.

When they arrived they both hugged me and everything was normal except it seemed better than usual.  We communicated more and were more relaxed with each other than ever and I didn't get any negative vibe from my stepdaughter at all.  I think she knows what the score was with her mom and me and she just wants the best for each of us now.  I was a little surprised by the fact that her husband and I actually talked more and seemed more at ease with each other than ever before.  When I was not in the room he told my mom that he thought (transition) was the best thing I had ever done.  The must have been able to see a big difference in the new me and the old me. 


What an outstanding week this has been.  My life will never be the same.  There is a new life for me now, the dawn of a new era in Tammy World.  I will analyse these events further and keep you posted on how things are going in future posts.  It is time to celebrate Christmas now and I am going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with my parents and my dogs.  The Christmas pictures should be interesting this year and better than ever.  I do hope you all have a great holiday and here's wishing y'all a very Merry Christmas from Tammy World!!!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Hello World Part 3: Summer 2011

This photo was taken on August 13,2011. Finally, towards the end of the summer of 2011, my look was coming together. I think this photo, better than any other before it, represents how I felt inside. I do not think there was anything male left of me on the inside at this point and finally I could make a decent representation of myself in my outer appearance as well. This is the photo that I submitted this summer to the Vanity Club as part of my application to that prestigious organization.  Ten months after this picture was taken it was still good enough, along with my long application/questionnaire, to get me voted into the Vanity Club in summer 2012 as member VC 573.   I am proud to be an active member of this organization and plan to stay with them even through my transition and I have to thank my big sister Karen McCarthy for nominating me.

Summer 2011

Our story left off at the end of April, 2011 with the weekends of April 16th, when the tornado came through my area and my spouse was "forced" to actually see me as Tammy for the first time; April 23rd when she sat and watched tv with me dressed in full make up but no wig (I had short hair then) and April 30th, when she was away and I drove to Raleigh and went to the large Crabtree mall by myself for the first time.  The new wig that I had bought in Greensboro on a shopping trip with friends had impressed her and she had seen it and said that she liked it.  I was really anxious to hang around her as myself, fully, and the next week I would finally get that chance....

This photo and caption is from my Flickr page and relates to the events of May 5,2011...

I have arrived!!

Just a snapshot and not a great one, but this was a GREAT night. I took this while my wife was in the ladies room, and this was the first night I was able to sit and watch tv and talk with her while fully en femme!!! I tried to tone down my look and makeup for her and even toned down my fem voice somewhat for her (though by the end of the night I don't think that mattered).
She had to cancel a two day trip this week and I was planning to dress those nights. When I told her yesterday I was gonna dress anyway last night she seemed ok with it, but wanted me to "change back" by 9:30 to sit with her. I was not even fully dressed yet (at 6:30) when she came and knocked on the door to the little house. She wanted to smoke a cigarette and I told her to give me 5 more minutes, that I wasn't dressed yet. I did not know if she expected me to be dressed or not when she came back, but I was and she smoked and we talked a bit. It was great and I felt really natural around her. She sensed how much calmer and happier I was and maybe that's why when she came back later to watch tv she didn't ask me to take my hair/makeup etc. off.
I didn't have time to take a full length shot, but I dressed really casual/conservative for her. I just had on some jeans, flats and this top and sweater. She asked if I ever wore necklaces and I said yes but I don't have one to go with this outfit. She also seemed a little jealous that I did not take her to old Navy when I bought the top and sweater (even though I shopped in drab that day). I now have a new shopping girlfriend and am so glad that my wife has finally accepted me en femme. Now if she would just call me Tammy instead of my male name.....

That night was the beginning of a new phase in our relationship.  I have evolved and changed a whole lot since then and the next few months were characterized by evolution and change in my relationship with my spouse as well.  From my point of view now in December, 2012, I can look back and see that this period of my life was key to my understanding of myself and most of all what was possible for me.  To some degree I can thank my spouse for that and our relationship did grow and (in some ways) prosper during this period.  I can also look back with regret that she has never moved much farther to purely accepting me as who I really am, as far as calling me my correct name, using female pronouns etc.  It's like during this time in our lives she really helped me along in my journey, but chose not to join me on it....

Over the next three months we spent a lot of time in my little house (where we always hang out and watch tv etc.) and she got comfortable being around me dressed as Tammy.  I was also going out a lot, mostly during the day, on shopping excursions and just doing anything I wanted to do as myself.  I would do our grocery shopping (something she usually did and enjoyed) and went out to a lot of places in surrounding towns, even going to the mall here in my city for the first time.  After that first time here in town, I did not fear going anywhere dressed as myself, no matter where I was.  I would not go to places like the bank etc., where I had to show my ID, or out with my parents (obviously), but I was going just about everywhere else.  There was also the exception of places my spouse and I would go together as she did not want to be in public with me en femme. 



At the house things were going well with us, I thought.  We had an agreement then that with her around I would only dress 2 nights a week at the house.  My day times when I could get free of work were mine to do as I wished for the most part.  She also was not comfortable seeing me in a dress or skirt for some reason.  I had grown accustomed to wearing ladies jeans and slacks, I liked them and they also helped me to blend in and not draw attention to myself when out in public.  But I hated to be limited to what my wardrobe would be and when I could and could not be myself and how I could dress in my own house.  Considering we existed as friends it is amazing to me now how much control I allowed her to have over my life.  This was not limited to this time in my life but had gone back many years to when we first met, especially after we got married and moved in together.  Why did I seem drawn to the kind of relationship where someone has some degree of control over my life with there seemingly being no benefit to me?  There is a somewhat submissive side to me in a very female way and at the time I was also exploring my submissive side to an extent but I never had that kind of relationship with my spouse, at least not overtly.  Eventually I would figure out that I was definitely not "a sub" but I have had to come to grips with the fact that I have a very passive personality and while I have always have a strong individualistic streak, I have a history of letting others exert control over my decisions and life.  At a meeting with my therapist this very week that I am writing this, she told me that trans people often have a relationship with their parents that is like that of a teenager.  Her telling me this lit a light bulb in my head and gives me more insight into the complex relationship I have always had with my parents and really helps explain to me why I have never totally "grown up" in my relationship with them.  I do, however, think that is getting ready to change in a big way here at the end of 2012.  Finding this out can also possibly explain some of the reasons I have traditionally deferred so much to my spouse for control of some aspects of my life.  There has been a lot of change in the last year and half with us. I have asserted myself over time with her and do not allow her that much control over me now.  How that has come to pass will be shown in the review of the new few stages of my life but for now let's go back and look at some of the "baby steps" I was making toward independence in the summer of 2011 with these next three pictures and captions.

Mad World

July 9, 2011
The title is inspired by Adam Lambert's version of the song Mad World. This was taken at 3 am and I was sorta stuck on that song.
So I finally got to wear a dress around my wife and things are going better than expected. My last post was 2 weeks ago so here is a new update along with this new pic...
Last Saturday night I did wear a dress and hung out here in the little house with my wife watching Melrose Place DVDs. In fact it was this same one with different accessories and she seemed to be fine with it although she is still trying to understand why I want to wear a dress. I wish I could give her a better answer than I feel its a need and it feels natural for me but.. I think one of the reasons she does not understand it is because she abhors wearing a dress or skirt herself, but that is her "issue" to deal with...... So a couple of my friends were going to the club that night and I talked to her about going but we decided it was best not to because it was the July 4th weekend and I hadn't planned on it. To my pleasant surprise she did sign off on me going the following weekend (which was last night) and that's when this picture was taken Very late at night after I got home.
I had planned on taking some good pics before I went to the club but I ran out of time. My wife came over to talk a minute and have a smoke before I left and I asked her to take one of me but she declined. The club was great, 5 other girls from our meet up group went also which is not bad for an impromptu outing in these parts. The only bad part was I had to leave at midnight, just when the club starts popping, to drive the hour home and get in at a reasonable hour. I certainly didn't want to stay out past "curfew" on my first free night to go to the club with my wife being home and her approval. But I will be going back.....
Oh, here's a link for the song if you wanna listen...

Good times at home

August 6,2011
Good news on the home front. I am getting to dress three at home times this week, feeling blessed for small things. Tomorrow I am also going out shopping en femme and hope something interesting (but good) happens so that I can report back here, maybe even with a new pic or two.
How this happened is I was supposed to get dressed and go shopping Monday, but something came up and I could not, so she agreed that I could dress up here Tuesday night and I made an alternate plan to go shopping Thursday. Yesterday afternoon (Tuesday) she realized that if I dress Saturday also that would be three times and she said she couldn't handle it. I offered to take her out to eat first and it worked! Sometimes its a win win and we can all get (most) of what we want.

Mystery Hill

August 6, 2011
Mystery Hill is a house/tourist attraction in the mountains where everything seems to flow uphill. It is built on an incline and the floor isn't level. I guess my camera was crooked last night because the little house looks like its leaning! :)
A lot of you have asked me about my home situation so I thought it was time for an update. After going to parties the last two weekends I stayed in last night and enjoyed some DVD's with my wife. She didn't even make me take off the short skirt I had on,even though I had jeans ready to replace it. She did like this dress and another I tried on her for better though. Things are going pretty smoothly as far as my dressing at home goes. She seems comfortable with 2 times a week now, not so much three so I am not pushing the issue. Last night we talked about a lot of things. One thing she is Very positive and supportive about is me piercing my ears! In fact, ear piercing would be lower on my priority list if it wasn't for her encouragement there. She wants to do it for me, the way she did herself when she was a teenager, and that involves putting in ear rings that tighten over several days until they pierce through. That will not be practical for me as I have short hair and do have a male job. My main concern has been the 6 weeks you have to leave something in after the initial piercing. From talking to some of my friends, it seems like there are little flesh colored plastic studs that can be inserted and are supposedly not noticeable. My idea is to use some concealer on top of that also, so we will see. I may take the plunge and do it before too long.
A couple more things we talked about are laser hair removal or electrolysis ( I am seriously considering doing this soon) and my decision to start taking (herbal) hormones. She is not crazy about either one of these but seems ok with it. Especially when I am en femme around her I get the question "why don't you go full time?" I am not ready to do that for other reasons but I am glad to know the idea is not crazy to her if I ever am able to transition.
I do want to make one more point. For those of you that are interested, I am trying to show that crossdressing is not something you necessarily have to hide from your wife. I did for many years and when it got to the point I had to progress farther than simply dressing, I just had to tell her. That in itself has gone very well, however I do want to clear up any misconceptions/delusions out there about this being a happy marriage. My wife is bipolar and although I do love her/care for her we have not slept together in years and sleep in separate rooms. Life with her is an up and down yo yo and she has been threatening to leave since almost the day we got married. My standing offer is to help her pack but at the end of the day we end up needing each other and we do have some good times as well as bad. For instance, she was at my throat much of the day yesterday but it was about one of my dogs, not my dressing so I should be thankful for that. I just do not want to paint such a rosy picture to you other married girls out there. Things have gone great with her acceptance of Tammy, but when I told her I felt I had nothing to lose and I had to progress. Those of you with a really happy or close marriage or with kids at home have other considerations and have to weigh those in as well. If there is hope though that your partner will accept at least to some degree your female side then I think I have learned that sharing is much better than hiding.

A couple of comments on the captions of these pictures...  I have recently began to refer to my partner in marriage as my spouse instead of the term wife that I used in these posts.  Actually I have used the term wife to describe her until recently, although I have even more recently called her my ex.  Neither of these is accurate, as we are not yet divorced but do not exist as a married couple either and honestly we never have.  This past week, in reading the book The Gendered Self , by Ann Vitale, I discovered the term spouse is really a better descriptive word and is more accurate.  Also in the above post, the reference to "other reasons" as being why I said I was not ready to transition although I really wanted to, is actually a reference to my parents.  I will discuss this more later but readers of my blog already understand the reference to "Mt. Everest" and know how big an issue that is for me going back as far as I can remember.  That was also the big reason for my fear/concern in getting my ears pierced. 

Facial hair removal was also something I had been wanting to do since first looking into it in 2010.  I was looking toward transition at some point and everyone says get the facial hair removed as soon as possible.  Many of us know this and still wait too long to get started, but it is a long, expensive and painful process.  At this point in 2011, I was seriously ready to get started but had already been delaying it at least a year.  It would still take me a few more months to get going with it.  Initially I was intending to try laser and had some friends who had good results with it.  The more I researched it the more I began to believe electrolysis was the way for me to go. With the sensitive skin I have I was concerned that laser could cause me some problems.  That was very intuitive on my part and looking back on my experiences since then I probably should have followed my own instincts more.  In future posts I will describe my early experiences with hair removal in more detail. 

During this time I felt that crossdressing more and more was the answer to my gender dysphoria.  Actually that was working in reverse.  The more I would "dress" the harder it was to live the other parts of my life.  I was miserable as a male in life anyway but now that I had an active alternative life that felt right for me, it was getting harder and harder to function on any level as a male in the world. I had wanted to get into therapy for a long time, at least the part for me that did not fear it wanted to go.  A little over 4 months later I would actually enter therapy and only then did I fully begin to understand what was going on in my mind.  It has been said that of those that want to undergo a gender transition, no one really does it until they have to.  If there is any other way to deal with the stress and pain of dysphoria that is definitely the way to go, especially for adults that have established or somewhat established lives.  It has to be a need and not simply a desire in order for transition to happen or have any chance of success.

The song Mad World from the first picture title strikes some real meaning with me and looking back I am glad that some of those feelings I experienced then and for years and years before are distant memories now.  I felt like it was the anthem of my life at that time and it is still an emotional song for me to listen to, almost all the words ring so true to what I have experienced in my life.  Two themes from that song that used to haunt me are the feeling that I was dying and the feeling of being a complete stranger, an alien on planet earth.  It is hard to describe those feelings now but I remember them well.  As a young teenager I began to be obsessed by dying and death.  Writing dark poetry about those subjects got me in big trouble at school even though I never meant anyone any harm, myself including.  I never meant to or knowingly hurt anyone in my life, I have never even been in a physical fight.  Also I never intended to hurt myself but I always did and during those early teen years I began to have the feeling that I was dying and would not live very long.  Those feelings lasted all the way through my initial therapy and I did tell the therapist my feelings.  Somehow, female hormones seem to have cured these feeling and I have to believe now that I was suffering a chemical imbalance that only HRT was able to solve.  The feeling of being isolated, being a "stranger" or alien is something that has improved dramatically.  It did not seem to just evaporate like the dying feeling, but it is much better now that I feel better inside about myself.  By adding a song like this under the picture I posted last summer, I think I was trying to convey some of my feelings to the world.  From today's point of view I am so glad I did continue on my journey and get some help/relief from the problems that had haunted me for so, so long.
Another thing my spouse was urging me to do was to grow my own hair out.  The reason I resisted doing it, no it was not my job, not really. You guessed it, it was fear of my parerents' reaction.  She sort of liked my newest wig but I know she never really liked seeing me in a wig.  I thought that was one reason she would not go anywhere with me presenting female and I was probably right.  However I did get the impression that if I was able to use my own hair in a female presentation she would go anywhere with me.   When I did grow out my hair this year I found out that was not the case and she still will not go anywhere with me but that is a story to be addressed later.  The really big, big thing that she was encouraging me to do was to tell my parents about myself.  I had a couple of female friends who had also told me the same thing but they didn't know me that well and definitely did not know my parents.  I know my spouse well enough to know she was serious, that she was not joking with me or telling me this lightly. 

She honestly thought that I should tell my parents and her reason was that they should know the real me.  This really got me to thinking because this is something I had only dreamed about but knew would never work and I knew it was something I could not or would not do in this lifetime.  I began to consider that when my dad passed away I could tell my mom, but that is as far as I could go with that line of thinking.  I have had to do a lot of work on myself between last summer and now to even believe that I can accomplish this now or that it has any hope of a happy ending.  I will not let uncertainty creep in at this crucial point in my life by revisiting how I felt about the subject in the past, but I will say that when we would have these talks it was the first time I actually considered that I could talk to them about what was inside me in any serious fashion.  I really think that just spending some time with me over those last few months she realized this is what I needed in my life, even though I am not sure she realized what a strong barrier I thought coming out to my parents was.  Looking back now at the peace and comfort treatment has brought me this year, I really have to thank her for beginning to unlock the strength and confidence I needed to move forward in my journey.

What she would tell me is that I should tell my parents and then live full time as myself, Tammy.  She would always add that of course her and I would not be together anymore, but that should come as no surprise because as I stated earlier she has been talking of/threatening to leave since before we were even legally married.  I had also told her that I was going to start taking herbal hormones.  That is something I had planned to do since finding out about them in the summer of 2010.  I thought that would be a good way to make some changes and feminize myself in such a way that my parents might not notice, sort of transition light.  Real hormones I was not allowing myself to consider until such a time that I could actually transition.  I knew my parents would notice the changes and I would only want to embark on an HRT regimen if I could do it as part of a full transition.  During 2011, this was becoming more and more of a need and not just a want.

Again, this could not be done with my parents in the picture.  She said she would be ok with the herbal hormones and I am sure she would said the same of HRT then, as she did when I finally talked with her about that this year.  I did always expect that when I went to a gender therapist hormones would be recommended or considered as part of my therapy.  I didn't have the answers then but again the only real question was how to get around my parents knowing.  I thought that maybe when I went to a therapist they would have an answer fro me.  Actually, she did but it was not the answer I wanted to hear.  If I wanted to treat the condition that I have and have any hopes of any quality of life I would have to fully come out to my parents. 

It has taken me a long time to deal with this and it is still a huge issue with me.  No one had any magic answers.  Assuming I can follow through and talk with my parents before the end of this year perhaps I can put this issue to bed or move beyond it to the next phase of my life.  If the worst case scenario I had always imagined happens, I will have to rely on my newly acquired sense of self assertion to get me through a point in my life I never was able to see beyond.  If I thought there was another way for me to go on living as a sane person without transition I would probably turn back now because of this reason. 
About halfway though 2011 I started looking to the future in a way I perhaps had never done before.  I began to look to the year 2012 as some sort of magical time in which great change could occur.  I allowed myself to believe that if this was such a time of global spiritual change and cosmic awareness perhaps I could apply some of that to make the changes I wanted in my own life.  Actually these were changes that I needed and not just wanted but I am not sure if I was fully aware of that yet. 

In July, 2011 I attended a party with the Carolina Meeting Place group I have mentioned in other posts.  I went to this party with the intention of getting drunk and I did just that.  This was to be my first time getting drunk out in public en femme and although I drank very often I seldom actually get drunk.  Along with my usual fairly heavy party intake of light beer, I allowed myself to indulge in many shots of vodka and mixed drinks of vodka and tonic.  I found myself walking home alone from a bar in Raleigh very late at night, alone and drunk, barefoot and carrying my high heels in my hands.  My friend Jessica and I had walked to a club after the party and I had stayed at the bar drinking while she walked around the club.  After last call I just started walking back to the hotel room I shared with some other friends to get some more drinks before passing out.  In the picture below I am having a good time at the party with Jessica (blond hair) and another girl I met at the party, Komal.

I woke up the morning after after the party with a terrible headache/hangover.  This feeling lasted for days literally and I knew I had been very drunk the night before by how bad I felt for a long time after.  Also, I had to deal with the reality that I had put myself in a potentially dangerous situation the night before, at least one time, and there had to be some changes made.  I wanted to live more and more of my life as a female, all of it if I could, and I simply could not allow this type of drunken behavior.  It was not attractive, classy or safe.  I made a vow to swear off liquor and to this day I do not drink hard liquor anymore.  I did try it a couple of more times in 2011, a little bit at another party and I bought one last pint of moonshine that Christmas, but after that it was no more hard drinks.  In 2012 light beer has been the only alcohol I have imbibed and it is all I want going forward.  The hard drugs I Had quit a few years ago and the marijuana I would quit later into 2012, but for all practical purposes the party on the night of July 23, 2011 was my last time ever drunk on liquor.

Something else positive came out of this party besides quitting liquor, meeting more people and getting even more comfortable in social situations.  The man with the glasses I had briefly met last Christmas was there with another girl as his date.  I spoke with him a little bit and things did not work out with him and this other date.  Soon after that we began talking some, mostly chatting on yahoo at first, then speaking a few times on the phone.  He was in a failing marriage like me and struck me as a real gentleman.  He was not like most of the men that approached me during that time in that he seemed to have a real interest in taking me out and treating me like a lady.  He was interested in far more than the "one thing" so many guys obsess over and he also said he would take me shopping.  He had me at shopping, lol.  It was probably well into August before we actually started talking and he had started dating someone else also, but not exclusively.  I did wonder if I was getting involved with another "player" but I myself was dating almost any halfway decent man that would ask me out at that point so it wasn't like I was a prude either.  I think we were both looking for something we had not found yet but we had no idea where it would lead when I agreed to go out with him. 

He talked of meeting me in Raleigh after his work and taking me out to dinner and shopping etc.  One thing was for sure he talked a good game and these were things I was very interested in hearing and doing in my life.  It was September 10, 2011 before we actually had our first date and ironically it was here at my house instead of us going out like we had talked about.  He brought me flowers and showed up in a white suit.  Needless to say I was very impressed.  Over the next few weeks we would meet a few times for dinner and yes, shopping, and he brought me flowers the first 9 times he went out with me.  It did not take me long to fall in love and I will let that be the ending to this story. 

Summer of 2011 had ended and I had indeed said Hello to the World in a big way.  I was ready for more in my life in more ways than one.  This will conclude my Hello World series but there were still three seasons between the end of summer and the beginning of summer 2012 when I launched this blog.  I am going to continue these retro posts and keep giving a detailed report of the events leading up to the start of my blog in June 2012.  Stay tuned for the rest of the story, the road to transition.  I will leave you with a picture of me with the first flowers I received from the man I would eventually fall in love with and who, to my great fortune, also fell in love with me.....

Special Update

"Even with parts of my world crashing in on me I still view the glass as half full.
The glass is half full but it is broken and has a jagged edge. I must sip carefully so as not to cut my lip..."

Tammy Matthews 12/17/2012 

Prophesy, premonitions, psychic phenomenon, the writing on the wall..............

The blog I am about to post, Hello World Part 3, was actually written last week.  I finished it very late Friday night and needed to proof it before posting it at the beginning of this week.  I arrived back home last night fairly late and tired from a whirlwind 2 day/1 night to Virginia to see my boyfriend.  My spouse had said she might be gone for the evening and she was.  It was not until today that I found out she has left home and wants to begin our separation immediately.  We have talked about this and had planned it for after the first of the year.  It does not seem to me that one week prior to Christmas is the right time to do this....

Having her gone is more painful than I had imagined.  I guess it is just the familiarity and having someone else besides my dogs at home.  She even left her dog here.  I realize that this is inevitable and actually necessary for us both to move forward in our lives.  Still, I wish there was some way I could bring her back to live here or close to here even during our mandatory one year separation (thanks state of North Carolina).  Everything is amicable so there will be no disputed divorce but the pain is still very real, at least on this end. 

Hello World Part 3 deals with a time in my life that was a turning point both in my progression toward transition and my relationship with my spouse.  It is prophetic that I had written this post and then had this happen over the weekend.  I also had nightmares involving my spouse Friday night and Sunday I broke down in tears remembering times we had travelling.  I was hit with an emotional tidal wave of thoughts back to our good times going to the beach etc., at about the same time she would have been actually leaving the house here.  And I did not know that's what she was doing.

Prophesy, premonitions, psychic phenomenon, the writing on the wall..............

The following quotes are from Hello World 3 and were written before I knew she was leaving.

"It's like during this time in our lives she really helped me along in my journey, but chose not to join me on it...."

"What she would tell me is that I should tell my parents and then live full time as myself, Tammy. She would always add that of course her and I would not be together anymore, but that should come as no surprise because as I stated earlier she has been talking of/threatening to leave since before we were even legally married."

I was not going to post these blog posts today.  I was thinking about taking a break from it until things shook out a little bit.  I have Mitchell to thank for encouraging me to go ahead and post them.  They are hopefully an inspiration to others and perhaps therapeutic for me.  I hope you enjoy Hello World Part 3 and I will continue to follow up with more posts on what happened in my life leading up to my launching this blog in June 2012. 

I think current events will move up my "Mt. Everest moment" from my planned date of December 27th.  It will likely happen sooner now, possibly as early as tomorrow.  I will not leave my readers hanging the way she has left me so stay tuned.....

Thursday, December 13, 2012


12/12/12 is supposed to be one of those dates filled with significance in numerology and astrology. In a year of astronomical importance, this was supposed to be one of the big days if not the biggest.   The internet is filled with reports stating that this date in history represents a time of great change.  Here is a sampling of some of the phrases I found on new age websites used to describe 12/12/12.

a beautiful opportunity for transformation and healing on a personal and global level, 
 a window of possibility for an evolutionary leap,
the moment it is easier to experience a glimpse of one’s true Self and nature.
12/12/12 is immediately followed by the New Moon on Thursday, empowering the step into higher dimensional life; the New.

I could go on, and on and on but apparently people looking at the stars and mankind's inner conscious see something great about this date and the times that we are living in.  I don't have any personal opinions on this but it is fascinating and a lot of those phrases I can really relate to my journey.  What I do know is that this time in my own life is a time of great change and personal significance and 12/12/12 was a banner day in a pivotal year.

I met with my therapist yesterday, on 12/12/12.  This was my original therapist that I saw for the first time about a year ago on 12/14/2011.  It was a breakthrough day for me in therapy because I was at last able to finalize the letter to my parents I had been supposedly working on for over 7 months.  Actually as much as I had agonized about this letter and had ideas and input from a few trusted other people including another psychotherapist, the entire letter that I presented to my therapist yesterday was written by me in an inspired 40 minutes one night.  There were a couple of key lines that I took from the template/example letter the therapist had given that I thought were crucial, but I wrote the letter off the cuff and from the heart.  Like many written works, all it needed was a good ending.  Working together yesterday we were able to cut out a couple of redundant sentences and words and most importantly, with a couple of sentences, give my coming out an ending that I feel comfortable with and good about.  It is finished now and ready to present to my mother in 2 weeks, 2 days after Christmas, 12/27/2012.

That is my date in history, mark it on your calendars, it is circled in red on mine.  12/27/2012.  If Christmas were not coming up I would do it tomorrow.  I am no longer worried about it and don't feel any anxiety at this point.  It is just something I have to do, like getting up in the morning and brushing my teeth.  In my mind, the mountain has been reduced to a mole hill.  I've got this one y'all.  I 'm feeling confident that somehow this will work out well and I will update again when it is over with. 

                                        Mount Everest, Nepal: elevation 29,035 feet
Has been reduced to this
                                   Medoc "Mountain", North Carolina: elevation 325 feet
                                   Medoc Mountain is not really a mountain at all.  It is, rather, the the core of  what was once a mighty range of mountains. — Medoc Mountain is what remains after millions of years of erosion.

Mt. Everest had been eroded, in my mind, into Medoc Mountain. And for the record I have already "climbed" Medoc Mountains many times, no problem...:)

Another big development from my 12/12/12 therapy appointment yesterday was when my therapist told me that because I have living full time for months with the exception of times visiting my parents, we can count much of this time towards my Real Life Experience.  So essentially I will be able to get my GRS letters and so forth much sooner than expected.  I do not know how that will come into play until I have my talks with my parents.  With the time frame, waiting periods and so forth, it may not make much difference in the long run.  I plan to file for my name change at the first of February anyway, but it refreshing and affirming to be considered full time by one of my medical professionals, at least on some level.

So it's been a year since walking timidly into that therapist's door for the first time.  She is really thrilled with my progress and I guess I am too.  There is no doubt that 2012 has been the best year of my life and if I can finish strong by climbing this "Medoc Mountain" hurdle and having things work out with my family, there is no doubt that next year will be even better.  In 2 weeks what's left of this eroded mountain will probably be no more than a mole hill.  I will wake up that morning, brush my teeth, climb the mountain, then glide down into the valley to live the rest of my life in peace.  See you on the other side.

We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging.  Stay tuned for Hello World: Part 3......

 According to Chinese numerology, ONE is considered a yang number ruled by the sun and represents independence and individualism. TWO is considered a yin number ruled by the moon and represents symmetry and balance. Combined, the number 12 brings harmony to the yin and the yang, balancing the masculine energy of the sun and the feminine energy of the moon.



Saturday, December 8, 2012

Hello World Part 2: Early 2011

After this experience on Halloween 2010 one thing was for sure. The cat was out of the bag and you could not keep this girl down on the farm anymore. I had never felt better about myself and even though I laid low for awhile, as per my agreement with my wife, I was soon going to come out into the world and in a big way.

That is where part of Part 1 of Hello World, my coming out story, left off and we now find ourselves in November, 2010.....Part 2

November, as I recall, was a fairly uneventful month. I had promised my spouse I would not "dress" at the house with her at home, even in my little guest house. Everyone I had talked to told me to take it slow with her. Wives need time to adjust if she was ever going to accept me at all. I had made the agreement to lay low in that way until the first of 2011 when I told her I would pretty much do what I want to in the little house and she could do whatever she wanted to, wherever she wanted to be. There was a Christmas party for the Carolina Meeting Place group on December 11th, 2010 and I did get dressed at the house and drive to Raleigh to enjoy that party for a couple of hours. My spouse had gone to stay the night at her sister's house, also in Raleigh, on that night but she did know I was going to attend the party. I had also attended 2 parties with that group earlier in 2010, both on weekends she was also gone, but she did not know about either one until I told her after the fact.

The top picture was taken at the 2010 Christmas party with 75 year old group member Sydney and the bottom one in front of my Christmas tree when I arrived home later that night....

At the party I talked to group leader Candi and was happy to tell her that I had fully come out to my spouse and that I was going to be free to dress at home and go out a Lot more in the upcoming year.  I remember her telling me how cool it would be if my spouse would actually attend a party with me, but I do not think she realized the kind of relationship I had with her or that she would likely never go for a number of reasons.  One reason is that she doesn't go to parties and another is that she would not go out with me dressed as Tammy.  I did not go to parties in those days either.  The three CMP parties I went to in 2010 were the first time I had ever really ever done anything like that willingly, and I mean ever, even as my male self.  I was a very withdrawn and non social person then and had been all my life.  Only in finding myself and taking steps out as my true self was I ever able to open up and go to social functions like that.  Even to this day a piece of me fights going to these social parties. There is actually one going on right now, as I write this.  The 2012 CMP Christmas party is happening in Raleigh tonight and I was finally very psyched to go and be with Mitchell but unfortunately I have a sore throat and have gotten sick. 

That is a story for another update, but getting back to the 2010 Christmas party, one more thing happened that turned out to be significant later.  One that I did not think much about at the time.  There was a man there I saw at a table talking to one of the other girls and I believe he came over to the bar later and introduced himself to me and another girl but we did not talk.  He had on glasses and was a little shorter than me and I thought he was cute.  I did imagine myself going out with him but of course I never thought it would actually happen.  The next year I would get to know him a little bit better and eventually he would become my first real boyfriend.  That is right, it was at this party that I first laid eyes on Mitchell, the man that I love so much today and hope to have a future with. :)  I had a couple of beers at the party but I did not want to drink too much and drive so I did not even stay long enough for the group picture.  Getting out to a party with my spouse's knowledge was a first for me and a good feeling and getting more comfortable going out in public and going to a social event was very good for me also.

After this party I was pretty much shut down from having any time to be myself until the first of the year.  I remember falling into a bit of a depression over this, even with all the holiday cheer.  I had finally gotten a taste of what freedom to be myself would be like and it was taken away, though only temporarily.  On January 2, 2011 I first exercised my newly acquired freedom to be myself and do what I wanted in the little guest house.  Thank God for Flickr dating when pictures were taken so I can give exact dates on these events.  That would pretty much be my pattern for the next few months, except that I was also making some trips outside the house and going for drive, to stores etc.  I went to a couple of malls during weekdays also but not in my town.  I was working for myself then and business was slow so I took a lot of opportunities to do my own thing, explore being out as myself, play with different looks at home and explore how I was feeling about my gender.  I was "dressing" a Lot more than I ever had and I did not expect this but it began to make my detransformation back to "male mode" even more difficult and I began to become even more dysfunctional in life as a male than I already was.  And I was Not functioning that well to start out with.  I worked less than I could have just to have more time to be myself and I cut off one of my two friends from coming to visit me.  I stopped my friend from coming over partly to have more time to express myself and partially because I can only characterize him and his older son that would come here as rednecks and bigots and I could not stand to fake tolerance of them here anymore.  The friendship did not last long after that.

The top picture was taken on January 2, 2011 and the bottom one on February 3, 2011.  I was really working on my look during this time and I desperately wanted to be able to blend in as public as a normal woman.  I was still hanging on to a heavier make up look, but I think I was on the right track.

April 2011 arrived and it was a pivotal month for me.  On  Saturday, April 18th,  I was over at my little house as usual putting on makeup and preparing to have a night as myself at the house.  I would sometimes drive over to Wilson, about 20 miles from my home, and go to stores and so forth until 9 pm or so then return home.  I also liked to spend some time sitting at my bar and looking at myself in the big mirror.  I do not think I was being narcissistic as much as I was enjoying seeing an image of myself the way I wanted to be and the way I felt I Should look.   Having to take all the makeup, wig, etc. off and look at myself was not as pleasant.  Even with all the time I had to dress now, sometimes I would literally cry when I had to take it all off.  I remember that feeling going back to 2008 when I first moved into this house, and even before, when I lived in the country in a trailer.  The more time I had to express to express myself the way I wanted to be, the harder it was to go back.  I was surprised by that at first because I thought I could come closer to satisfying my desire to be and look female by crossdressing more.  I wanted to change and be female full time but I knew there was no way that could Ever happen with my parents still alive.  I had considered that possibility years ago and had always fantasized about it but Knew that could not be my reality, until possibly when they would both pass away.  I do not think I had internally coined the phrase "Mt. Everest" yet to describe the obstacle of coming out to my parents so that I might transition but that is what is what was, in essence, and had been since I first found out that such a thing was possible.

So back to April 18th; I was getting ready and suddenly here was my spouse knocking on my door.  She always left me completely alone when I was out there unless we talked first and then I was taking off my makeup etc. before she came back.  On those nights I would usually hang out by myself half the night then take everything off and watch tv with her for a couple hours before bed and on this night I had agreed to "change back" at 9:30 to watch tv with her.  I had been trying to integrate her into my "Tammy time" but so far she had been resistant and I was happy just to have that time and was still trying to take it slowly with her.  It seems that on this night the weather was turning bad and a bad tornado was on the radar and not far away.  She was scared and wanted to come in, so I let her in. 

Around this time in 2011 I was sort of trying to turn my Flickr page into a blog.  A lot of change was happening (and much more was on the way) and for a period of time at least I would write blog like descriptive posts under my pictures.  Rather than try to rehash the events of the 16th and the week that followed, I am going to include under the next three pictures the text I actually wrote at that time last year.  So here is a blast from the past in pictures and writing and this will give you a closer glimpse into my life at that time and a taste of my early attempt at blogging....

                           April 16,2011: Winds of Change

Saturday night in the Little house.

For those of you who might be interested, Saturday was a most interesting night around here.  My wife had planned all week to go off to visit family Saturday night, but when the weekend came she postponed the trip until Sunday.  I told her I would be dressing anyway in my little guest house  She agreed, but I compromised and agreed to change back to my drab self at 9:30 so we could watch some shows together.
I got in and started dressing after 5 and in about 30 minutes I heard my wife knocking on the locked door.  Now I am in the bathroom applying my makeup and dressed in only panties, hose and some flats.  It seems we were having a bad storm, potential tornado (nothing came of it here) and she was scared.  So I threw on my jeans and reluctantly let her in.  There I am 3/4 of the way made up, my bare feet showing my painted toenails that she had only recently seen for the first time.  She had never seen Tammy and now there she was behind the scenes seeing me half dressed, not how I would have wanted to present myself to her.
What she needed now was a cigarette to calm her nerves and this is the only place we allow smoking so I went back in the bathroom to finish  my makeup while she smoked at the bar.  Nervous would best describe my mood at this point, as all my locking footlockers with all my Tammy things were open and about.
When I came out and started putting my makeup away she commented that I have more products than her (and I do).  She also told me the footlockers were a good place to keep my things.  I told her it was a little messy in there and I would prefer a closet.  The storm had about passed and she was ready to go back to the house, I did throw on some hair so that I looked better but she did not want to see that.  She had now seen me in full makeup (although lighter, more of a day look than I have in the pic here) and I wanted her to see the full deal.
Although she turned away and did not get a good look at me with a wig on (she has only seen a couple pics), she was in a good mood and I took that as a positive indication that maybe she is moving toward acceptance.  A little later I heard her outside fixing the wind chimes and I opened the door and she saw me fully dressed for the first time.  It was an awkward moment and I waved and shut the door but still she seemed in good spirits.
As my "Tammy time" wore down and 9:30 approached I had put most everything up but was still dressed (same outfit and hair as this pic but with flats instead of heels) I was ready for anything from her.  This is a woman that will let you know if something is wrong, if something is bothering her.  9:20 gets here and she comes in, the door is not locked now.  All I think is that she was curious and wanted to see Tammy again, but why else she came early I do not know.  She did want/expect me to change back to drab then and I did, but she was treated to one more look although she sorta avoided me till I was changed.  Key here was that we had a good time the rest of the night and we seem closer than we have been in a long time.  I know this is hard for her, but since our marriage now is one of friendship and not intimacy she seems to be dealing with my feminine self much better than I ever expected.  I told her about Tammy last October and I do not know where this will lead us, but I will say today that I am glad I did tell her and if things change I feel it will be for the better.

After the Storm

For those of you who are interested I have Much to update from the story in the last picture narrative.
The week after the storms that devastated so much of the state but luckily spared my area was a very fascinating and I think productive week here. The coming Saturday I was to go shopping with three of my tgirl friends in another city, this with the wife's approval. Early in the week I bought a pair of ladies jeans from a thrift store (my first female "pants") and when I got home and tried them on they fit, but not the way I think ladies jeans should fit so I scrapped them from my shopping outfit but decided to wear them around the house. My wife actually thought they are nice jeans and I wore them around her and even when we went to dinner with my parents one night. No one knew, they look/fit kind of like my male jeans so I will keep looking for a perfect pair of fem jeans but keep wearing these all the time.
Another thing that happened during the week was I went to the mall a couple of times with my wife. We have a wedding coming up, so I am having to find some (male) clothes for me and my dad and we were looking for accessories for her too. We usually split up when we go to the mall, but we stayed together for a bit and when it became obvious that I was looking at dresses etc. (for me) she left me to be on my own but was non judgmental. However, the second trip she came around after I had been looking at skirts and tops and actually helped me pick out something that matched. Although that outfit did not fit right when I got home and we are going to take it back, the fact that she helped made me very happy.
Now we get to the part of Saturday arriving and my shopping day with the girls. It was a really fun excursion, but the most memorable part happened after I arrived home. This story is getting a little long, so I am going to continue it under the next picture.
Stay tuned.....

Continued from the last post/pic....

Here is a picture taken early Saturday morning (about 8:15) as I headed out of town to go shopping with three tgirl friends.  I promised my wife I would come home about dark and 12 hours later I arrived home and went into the little house.  I was dressed fairly simply, this Kim Rodgers top a knee length skirt and black flats.  I did buy new hair on our shopping trip (stay tuned for new pics with that hair) and when I got in I changed from the skirt to my girls jeans.  My wife was due over at 9 to watch tv and by 8:50 I had put everything up, but was still en femme when she showed up early again.

She did not seem as uncomfortable as last week seeing Tammy, and she did get a few good looks this time.  I asked her honestly if we could just watch tv and let me stay in girl mode.  She said ok, sorta.  I had to take the wig off (replaced it with a ball cap) and then the bra and ear rings.  But that was it!  I got to leave on my blouse, makeup and leave my fingernails painted.  I forgot to mention it in the last post but Friday night I painted my fingernails to match my toenails and we had sat around that night watching tv.  She seemed sorta happy about it and asked me questions about how long it took to paint them etc.
Back to Saturday...  There I was with my wife watching tv almost completely en femme and I was on cloud 9.  I put my new hair on the bar on a wig head and it was out in plain view all night.  She asked me a few questions about the wig and did comment that it was nice and she liked it.  The previous week she had mentioned that I should get one close to my natural color and I pointed out how I considered her input in my decision/purchase.  Even though I did not get to wear the hair anymore that night it now has a home on a wig head in a closet in my main house, it is not relegated to going back into a bag in a box in the little house.  That I consider a big step and I even have a couple things hanging in that closet now as we speak and a couple skirts and bra folded on the guest bed.  :)
We had a great night watching Melrose Place on dvd and giggling like two girlfriends.  I felt really comfortable with her and I think she felt the same way but getting her used to Tammy is still a process.  I promised her I would wait till the weekend to get fully dressed again .  She did tell me that I looked like a real girl (even with no "hair) and that she liked my makeup, but the next day she asked me if I was trying to look like a prostitute wearing so much eye makeup.  I had tried to tone down the eye makeup for my day look but I guess I still have a ways to go there, although I may never be able to pull off the natural look with no makeup that she does so well.

The following weekend on April 30th, I would drive to Raleigh and go to the big Crabtree Mall for the first time by myself.  I commented then that that is the way I would go shopping from then on and that I was feeling very comfortable out and I did not think anyone noticed me.  I was  more confident out in public wearing my new wig as I felt it looked more natural than my others.  I had read that people going into gender therapy should spend time, up to a year, going out in public to various places as the gender they wanted to be and get a feel for whether it was really right for them or not.  I would not step into a therapist office for another 7.5 months after the end of April but I was starting to really do that work now.  It felt good and I definitely felt "right" and better about myself out (or in) as a female than my other self.  I wanted to go to a therapist but I still did not think that I could fully transition for years or as long as my parents were around.  I typically dragged my feet on the therapist situation as I did on most everything, plus I really feared going in to see any kind of psychologist because I had a bad experience with one as a teen and because I genuinely thought I would be found to be insane on perhaps a number of levels.  It would take a little time to get over that fear but I was about to get enlightened on a possibility for me to actually scale Mt. Everest.  Over the next few months my wife became comfortable being around me as Tammy.   In Part 3 we will look at the next few months of 2011 when things Really got interesting here in Tammy World.  Part 3 will be my next post so stay tuned.........