Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Talisman

For years I had looked towards 2012 as a time of great change.  Regardless of any forecasts of global change or even the end of the world, as some say the Mayan calendar predicted, I needed change in my life and was looking for any spark or motivation I could find to get up the courage to go through with it.  The mystery and power of 2012 was to provide the catalyst I needed.

After I came out to my spouse in October 2010 I really started looking forward to 2012 and making actual plans to bring about my change.  Within a week of coming out to her, I went to a mall as myself for the first time and when 2011 arrived I began to go everywhere.  Sometimes I had to push myself out the door and I remember a couple times sitting in my car being nervous to get out and face the people of the real world.  I usually went out alone as I was on a "mission from God."

2011 could not have gone better actually.  As the year progressed I began to get comfortable being out in almost any public situation.  At home, my spouse got comfortable enough with me to sit around the house with me fully dressed but she did not want to go out or be seen in public with me.  One thing she never liked was my wig and she encouraged me to grow my own hair and get my ears pierced.  She had become a unlikely supporter, of sorts.

I was still terrified of climbing Mount Everest (my analogy for coming out to my parents) so I didn't allow myself to do those things yet.  My spouse and I had a disagreement on therapists when I initially came out to her.  I wanted to see a gender therapist I had picked out and she wanted me to see a therapist who would "cure me".  I knew enough at that time to know that I could not be cured and that I couldn't go back to the repression of my past or my hiding of the previous few years. 

In the summer of 2011 we agreed that I would see whatever therapist I wanted and my spouse began to encourage me to come out to my parents, climb Mount Everest.  Once I asked her why she was so encouraging of this and she told me that they should know my true self.  She was right on the money.  She also made a prediction of her own.  My spouse encouraged me to go full time and she said when I did she would leave.  I think
once she finally got to know the real me she didn't understand why I continued the charade.  Still, calling that therapist was right at the top of my "Things that Terrify Me" list.

As the year progressed, one of the things I planned to do was go to the North Carolina State Fair as myself.  This would put me in a Very public situation in front of thousands of "regular" people.  Fate being with me during this time, I met and began to date a man who offered to take me to the Fair.  Now I not only had someone to go with me but someone to hold my hand, literally.  In fact, this man became a real guiding force in my life and someone who both encouraged me to get over my fears and helped me move forward.  I have to believe that he was sent from above and before long I fell in love.

Finally, in the last month of 2011, I called that gender therapist and also started facial hair removal.  Even though I was always one to do things in the 11th hour, at least I did set myself up to begin my transition in 2012.  Fate was on my side. 

New Year's Eve 2011 my boyfriend Mitchell (the man sent from above) and I met in Raleigh, got a hotel room and had a fabulous date.  We walked a few blocks to a crowded restaurant for dinner, and yes I walked the whole way in 5" heels (ouch).  The following was my Flickr and Facebook post prior to going out that evening....

Welcome 2012!!!

Hey ya'll, this is my outfit for ringing in the New Year tonight and I will celebrating with my love in Raleigh.

2011 has been quite a year for me. I have made a lot of progress and some big decisions, but at times it really feels like I am spinning my wheels and life is passing me by. My goal/resolution for 2012 is to go after my dreams and see where they take me. 2012 is supposed to be a year of great cosmic change but I do not think the world will end now. I think that my world is just beginning and I am finally going to grow up as a human being. I am finally going to be myself, no more compromises.

I wish everybody the best in celebrating the new year and especially hope that 2012 will bring positive change for you also, whatever that may be. Kisses!

 Something happened on the way back from that restaurant.  I looked down on the sidewalk and saw something strange but beautiful lying on the concrete, so I picked it up and put it in my purse.  I knew from the moment I held it in my hands that it had special meaning for me.  2012 was just a couple of hours away and I could feel the excitement within my soul.  It was not just a typical New year's Eve, not by any means.  The coming year was going to be very special and I knew it.  I could feel it in every cell in my body. 

What I found on the sidewalk was a single earring.  It was large and heavy.  It looked brilliant but was probably cheap and well used.  Without it's match what was it worth anyway?  The moment I picked up that earring and held it in my hand I proclaimed this was a good sign.  I had found a talisman, I believed, that would bring me good luck on my journey and in the coming year.  Mitchell dismissed that thought of course, as I am apt to my superstitious or grandiose claims, placing extraordinary significance on dates, items or events.  Whatever works for you, right?
The talisman must have brought me great luck because 2012 turned out just like I thought it would, better than expected.  Ultimately we create our own luck and I know that, but I have to give credit where credit is due.  Fate was on my side, someone up above was looking out for me, and at my side was the greatest man in the world.  Fortune had been shining on me for some time, after a long absence in my life, but it all came together in that special year of 2012.

As the year approached its end, I knew that in order for 2012 to hold its true meaning for me I Had to make that final climb up that misty mountain.  Everest loomed but in the weeks before my fateful climb I predicted success.  Sure enough I made it up that mountain and later on I wondered what all the fuss had been about.

A strange twist occurred at the end of 2012.  My plans of going full time on New Year's Eve, one year after finding that talisman, were foiled when I actually figured out 10 days before the end of the year, that I was already full time.  It just kind of happened organically and I went with it, just like I have gone with every feeling and intuition since beginning this journey.  The picture and caption below describe what happened when the world was supposed to end, and my new life began. 

Things have gone pretty well since then and that is an understatement.  My journey will reach a new level very soon and there will be yet another beginning.  That talisman still hangs from the rear view mirror of my car.....

12-20-2012...World Changes....My parents had just met the real me for the first time and as I sat at my house and thought about things, I decided that I did not Have to go back to pretending for anyone anymore. This is the very moment that I decided I was full time, that I was never going back again. If my smile seems sort of subdued it is because I was still reeling from my spouse leaving me just days before. Because I had not been myself All day I waited until the next day to call it my first day of being full time. That day was 12-21-2012, the Winter Solstice, last day of the Mayan Calender and the so called "end of the world"...For me it was a new beginning.

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