Wednesday, August 1, 2012
The steamy summer continues here in Eastern North Carolina although showers have cooled temperatures down into the 80's today, its back to mid 90's tomorow with heat index (humidity) making it feel like 100 or more. I mention the weather because this summer I have gotten comfortable wearing women's shorts and that is what I am wearing most of the time now. Its just a matter of confidence and I came to the realization that very few women my age have perfect legs and a few blemishes or scars are not worth wearing jeans for in 100 degree weather. Last summer when I would go out I would wear jeans and usually a Spanx super panty to hold my stomach in as well as a butt pad panty to add a little behind. My figure is a little better now so I am not wearing the Spanx and my own butt is enlarging so I've put up that pad as well. I just hope the figure holds up because when I weighed last weekend I was up 4 pounds form my May weight and I am now trying to turn the upward trend around. My waist is smaller though and size 8 is fitting best. Right now I am wearing some little jeans shorts that I usually do not go out in, not because they aren't appropriate but because they may not be age appropriate.
This stretch of summer its a little slow here in Tammy World and days like today I am inside in the air conditioning listening to pop music, exercising and of course working on my blog :) This morning when I went to my parents for breakfast and then I have the rest of the day to come home and be myself. Tomorrow I will go down for breakfast with them again and then head to Raleigh for a date with my boyfriend as he has a hotel suite reserved there for us. He is going on vacation with his kids so I won't see him this weekend but we had an awesome time last weekend in wide awake Wilson, NC. The rest of the week should be great, head to Raleigh tomorrow afternoon and spend the night and part of Friday with him. Then when I take him to pick up his rental car for vacation I will likely hang around Raleigh and go shopping. I will have the house to myself Saturday night but I am invited to a small party in Raleigh so I might leave the dogs here for awhile and drive back up making it three straight days in Raleigh en femme.
Some things to watch for in August are my 3 month HRT update I will do in the middle of the month and my birthday right after that. I also go back to the doctor for a full blood test of everything including hormone levels on August 16th and I don't know if that will entail an actual visit or not. I have not seen my therapist in 5 weeks and I guess I need to call and schedule another appointment. I cancelled my last appointment 2 weeks ago because I already had too many doctor's visits that week between me and my dad and her office texted me to cancel yesterday's appointment due to a conflict she had. I am doing/feeling really good now and any depression issues are very minimal but I am needing some therapy/direction as I get myself together to come out to my parents sometime in the next month or two, that is my goal time frame anyway. Everest looms and I am closing in on the summit although the path is becoming clearer.
My next 2 target dates in my transition are my birthday August 19th and the first day of Fall (Autumnal Equinox) on September 22nd. These target dates are something I give myself as a goal to progress at something or give up something as steps in my transition. The seasonal goals are something that has worked for me. Winter goals were to get going in therapy, start letting my hair grow out and begin facial hair removal, check. Spring goals were getting started on HRT and resetting my hair removal and starting electrolysis after the laser hair removal debacle, check. Summer goals are start getting more comfortable going out with no wig and of course reaching the summit of Mount Everest (coming out to my parents). So far I have blown all the goals away and stayed ahead of schedule on everything. This summer I am progressing and going out more with my own hair and not getting clocked much I don't think, but the other goal is worrying me. I have already pushed the coming out date deadline back to end of September and I am already feeling the urge to push it back into October. On the other side of the coin it is getting very difficult to spend any amount of time with my parents and not be tempted to tell them. There is a strong urge to do what I know I need to do but its tempered by fear. Fear of actually opening my mouth and letting the words come out as well as fear of repercussions. One thing I am working with my therapist on is developing a coming out letter for them but this will be something I hand to them in person while talking to them instead of mailing it. The Fall goals right now are to get my hair styled somewhat after just continuing to let it grow all summer and trying to get my parents used to the real me. There is a lot of uncertainty on the second one but the back up goal is to come out if I have not already.
One reason I am taking some of the pressure off coming out to my parents right now is that in my original plan for the year I had this is a goal that could be done as late as December 31. I moved it up to a summer goal so stay tuned and see how that goes. As far as my birthday as a target date I want it to signify something but I don't have anything specific yet. I will definitely keep working on everything and perhaps turn it up a notch but I am comfortable being female in any situation now and I don't have much male left to give up. Perhaps a green light to come out will be the significance of that target date.
This is a personal blog and I try to steer clear of political and controversial issues here, but I have to weigh in on this whole sorted Chick Fil A drama that's unfolding here in the south. The president of Chick Fil A is a right wing Christian activist that gives a lot of money to anti LGBT causes and recently went on record as being for traditional marriage and against marriage equality. In fact he went as far as to say that gay marriage is the result of a "deprived mind" and calls it "twisted up kind of stuff". In my opinion the man is entitled to his views and he can chose where to spend his money but somehow his restaurant chain has gotten involved and its become a huge controversy over a very divisive issue. Most of the chain's restaurants are located in the southeastern USA and here in North Carolina we are still bleeding from the vitriolic debate over the "marriage amendment" from the spring election. My first foray into starting my blog was a commentary on that election and I had in mind deleting that original post and letting the "Coming Out" post start it off. Now I think I will leave it up and from time to time I might discuss some relevant current issue here.
Today is "Chick Fil A Appreciation Day" and all the good conservatives and church going Southern Baptists are supposed to be eating at Chick Fil A to show their support for the restaurant, or rather their opposition to anything outside the traditional norm as they see it. On Facebook this issue has gotten out of control and on some of the pages there are thousands of comments on each post with views posted on both sides. What is so unnerving to me is the hate being spewed from the right, there is some on both sides and although I am biased being a member to a degree of the LGBT community and also libertarian. I really see the most vitriol coming from the right on this issue. They think they have the bible on their side and that anybody that supports marriage equality, whether they are gay or straight, is going to hell. I thought Christians were supposed to love all people and were instructed in the bible not to judge. That is the most disappointing thing about this whole issue is the sheer level of judgement being handed down and the righteous attitude of those doing the judging. Issues like this show me that the mainstream christian community here in America and especially here in the "Bible Belt" south has lost complete touch with the message of love and peace that I get when I read about Jesus in the New Testament. The appreciation day movement will probably be wildly successful here as I have seen reports form a nearby city of major traffic jams around the restaurant today. Tomorrow there are protests from the marriage equality side at Chick Fil A's planned and Saturday I believe is the same sex kiss day at Chick Fil A restaurants everywhere. This could get interesting but I am sick of the whole mess really and all the hate being spread does make for some very dirty chicken. Anyone up for a hamburger?