Tuesday, August 7, 2012

As the Tammy World Turns

So this is my thirteenth blog post and I hope that number is not a jinx.  I could just cut it and skip to 14 like the block numbers on my street (skips from 1200 to 1400 blocks) but I will roll with it.  The first 12 entries have been a fun exercise for me, getting back into writing a bit after a long while away from it.  I am really pleased to have received over 5000  page views so far and that is encouraging but yet a little daunting when you consider that so much of my personal life is shared here.  I have sort of been sharing things in pieces and I think over time  a more complete picture will be painted.  For the most part this blog is devoted to my transition from male to female.  I include a good deal of my personal life here because it is relevant to my transition as is every aspect of my life.  I have mentioned that things are very complicated now and that they are.  I have a boyfriend and it is a serious relationship even though we are both still married to other people.  This separation/divorce thing is not as simple as I would like it to be and the economy and my personal financial situation makes it even more difficult.  In his case he does have a separation agreement with his wife but they cannot currently afford to have 2 separate residences right now.  He does work and stay out of town 5 or 6 nights and a week and usually spends one night with me so he is home about one night a week.  In my case I am here with my wife most of the time but she knows everything about my relationship and supports it.  She has finally accepted me as a woman I think or at least accepts me as transsexual and we actually get along better as friends than ever.  She has no problem with just being friends because that is all we have been for well over half the time I have known her and I have known her half my life.  Now we are friends that get along for the most parts and share with each other rather than being friends with a lot of tension between us, secrets and poor communication.  In his case also, secrets are out of the hat now as he came out to his wife fairly recently about his side of the relationship.  Since a divorce is looming it makes it even more complicated.

So here we are in a complicated life trying to enjoy the simple things.  :)  I realize that for all the fulfillment and joy having a relationship brings me just the fact of having a relationship right now makes things even more complicated.  Some people may not approve of it because we are both married, because of my gender situation, or whatever.  My biggest concern with it is with my parents.  I really think that they will come around and accept me but it will be much harder to get them to accept me having a boyfriend.  Yes its very complicated and a liability for me in some ways but honestly I would not trade my man for anything in the world right now.  I would not trade having him for all the beauty, acceptance, fame, fortune all the things you only dream about.  Having my man is the most special thing that has ever happened to me and I feel I am truly blessed and very thankful to have this opportunity.  It is the kind of relationship I have always wanted and I was especially blessed to hit the jackpot with the right man.  The main thing is that I am very much in love with him.  He is one that reminds me every day how much he loves me, in fact much more often than that, and he has never treated me as anything but the woman I am and always with respect.  Its weird being my age and never having been in love like this before but he does not take advantage of that fact and I know he feels blessed too.  Still the situation is very, very complicated but I know it will get better and I feel in my heart it will work out eventually.  We both have high hopes and good intentions so stay tuned and we will see how it works out.  I have chosen to open up and share my life in this blog so I am going to stick with it and pray for a beautiful life :)

Between my Flickr sites, my blog and Facebook I am pretty out there on the web these days.  I may live in a small, backward community and have limited resources to travel much outside of it but I am worldwide on the Internet.  Daily views on this blog have gone from a couple a day to around 100 and my main Flickr site now gets at least a couple of thousand views daily on average.  So it seems I am developing a pretty good audience and I have chosen to share my life with the world in pictures and words.  I really hope I can do some good with it as well as have some fun.  So many people have reached out to me and told me that they appreciate what I am sharing and they find some sort of encouragement or inspiration from my experience.  Many of them are tg girls wanting to come out of the closet and many of them are married.  I think some of them will actually break through and find a way a way out.  It won't be easy but I am trying to show it can be done and sharing is my way of giving back.  I appreciate the inspiration and support/encouragement I have received from so many along the way and am still receiving.  Coming out is something you will only do if you really need to and not just want to in most cases.  Transition especially is something you will only do if it is an absolute need and not just a want.  Even then many will approach it timidly or be dragged along kicking and screaming by their own consciousness or circumstances.  I am just going to roll with it and I have fought it but I will fight it no more.  I am giving 100% focus to my transition and I think that is the only way one can be successful with it.

All I ask from my readers is please don't judge me.  I am not trying to be a role model, I am only trying to share my experience.  It helps me to write and this blog is sort of like a journal for me.  Every one's situation is different and for those that are happily married I always advise them to try as hard as they can to stay that way.  Marriages can and do survive a lot, even a crossdressing husband and yes even a gender transition.  In my case my marriage was over before it began.  She will always be family to me but there is no logical reason to define our relationship as a marriage.  So we will work that out legally and I think we have found a happy place for the current moment at least.  In his case there are children involved and there was a real love there at one time but he was calling her his ex wife long before we met and functioning openly as if he is divorced.  I know there has been and continues to be a lot of pain in that separation and maybe in some ways having me helps him through it. I hope so and really hope that they can work it out as painlessly as possible regardless of what happens in the future between him and I. 

So here we are as the Tammy World Turns and like sand through the hourglass these are the days of lives.  I do miss the old soap opera As the World Turns.  I used to watch it with my grandmother along with The Guiding Light.  Back in the old days I used to watch the Young and the Restless and the Bold and the Beautiful also.  Most of those shows are off the air now as well as the whole daytime soap opera genre and its just as well because I do not watch television in the daytime anymore.  Its just too unproductive and besides the internet is much more interesting.  You always have a soap opera like Tammy World to watch if you enjoy that kind of thing, lol.  One day I will probably include a video blog (vlog) in here and expand my horizons a bit.  We are not paid actors, this is reality but that's good because reality is in right now.  Reality is here, reality hits you on top of the head, reality is in your face.  I tried to escape reality for too long now I am dealing with the good and bad of it.  Its exciting and interesting and I get a kick out of little things like waking up in the morning. 

Next weeks post will include a 3 month HRT update and who knows what else.  I am just happy to be in Tammy World and happy to share it with y'all and that's the good, the bad and the ugly.  So far so good for the most part but when it gets ugly I will share that too and I appreciate all the support.