feelings

Having felt like a woman inside all my life, actually living as a woman full time this year has created new feelings that sometimes are surprising.  Real Life Experience is teaching me that having the feelings of being a woman do not necessarily prepare you for the experience of actually feeling like what it is to be a woman.

Women have a very different experience in society than men.  This is true on so many levels that it may be difficult to understand from a man's perspective, from the outside looking in.  Different women have different experiences and everyone deals with experiences in different ways, but there are some commonalities that permeate the experience of being a woman in our modern society.  

Feelings of exploitation, objectification, scorn, ridicule and being treated like a second class citizen exist to various degrees in most women  and I think the source of these feelings is often misunderstood.  Part of the experience of being a woman today is to be treated like a sex object, to be thought of as not good enough or worthy of certain status and to be looked down upon, in certain ways and at certain times.  I don't think there is any way that one can conceptualize these feelings unless they have experienced them first hand.  The phrase "walk a mile in someone's shoes before you know what they are feeling" does apply here.

I believe that all men realize that women feel like sex objects at least part of the time.  Women deal with this in various ways.  Some are very sensitive about any hint of being objectified as a sex object, some become very guarded and alter their behavior or manner of dress, some do not seem to notice or care and some embrace it and play it up.  I believe that some of these differences are due to the fact that different women have had very different experiences and some just have different ways of dealing with it.  

Women are often treated as second class citizens in relationships, social situations and the workplace.  Even though various laws and policies now exist to combat discrimination, it is still a problem.  I think that certain men (perhaps most men) will always feel that they are better than women in certain ways and there are probably nothing that can be done to change that.  In another way, many (perhaps most) men also feel that they are better than other men.  That is something I know from having lived the majority of my life wearing a man's shoes.  I never felt that way but it must be something inherent in the average man's psyche. 

Having only lived the daily life of a woman for a number of months, I do not pretend to know the full experience of what it feels like to be a woman.  I did not have to grow up as a little girl, go through my teen years, come into adulthood and live all my life as someone who was born a woman.  The feelings of being a woman do not completely prepare you for the feelings you will experience living as a woman every day.  That is why this phase is called a real life experience and that is why transition is only a beginning. 






 

My Messages ( a synopsis)

Tammy World 2012

This photo, My World, was taken one year ago in 2012.  The world was good then and getting better.  Here in 2013, things are even better and the best is yet to come. 

I have TWO important messages for everyone here.......


1.  You Can live your life as yourself and you can be whoever you want to be.  This applies to anyone and everyone, whatever your situation is and whatever it is that you want to be. Don't let your dreams sit on the back burner because you think they can never come true. They Can!

2.  All of you out there who think you cannot get out the house as yourself, for whatever reason, you are wrong.  Go out into the world and be yourself, whoever you are.  People will accept you for being yourself more than you ever imagined..


This price tags on the furniture show that I am Not in my home. Tammy World is what lies beyond the 4 walls and proves that the door that keeps us in can also let us out!

9/10/11

Two years ago, on 9/10/11, I had a date with a man and he brought me these flowers.  To some degree I had started dating men for a couple of years but this was only the second time I had ever gotten flowers.  He was serious about taking me out to dinner, shopping and doing all the things I wanted to do.  He was even willing to take me to the State Fair, which I had been planning as my first big outing around a huge crowd of people.

My first flowers from Mitchell

I met him several months earlier at a party and we had been talking for over a month online and on the phone before this date in 2011.  We had more dates and he actually brought me flowers the first 9 times we went out, even when it was just meeting for dinner.  I told him we had to take things slow but before long I developed feelings for him and found myself in love.  Soon it was apparent that the feelings were mutual.

It's Been a Great Two Years Together

A month after our first date we decided to to date exclusively and we are still together today. I love my boyfriend and he makes me so happy! He still gives me flowers on special occasions and from time to time just because. 

My most recent flowers from Mitchell.

Birthdays

Birthday flowers from my boyfriend.

I celebrated another birthday recently and I have to say it was by far the happiest one in memory.  I remember two years ago setting this year's birthday as a deadline for myself.  It was August of 2011 and I was on the edge and in pain.  It had been a breakthrough year in many ways but that birthday was filled with a lot of anxiety.  In fact, my most recent birthdays had all been filled with their own unique brands of anxiety. 

In 2009, around the time of my birthday, I was having a lot of anxiety about coming out to my spouse.  By the same time in 2010 I Still had not come out to her and by then the anxiety was becoming acute.  In just a few weeks I actually did come out to her, as I talked about in this blog post entitled Hello World.  That brought a huge relief and not nearly as  painful an aftermath as I had feared.  She didn't run off and tell my parents, she didn't leave me and the ensuing year brought a lot of growth and changes.  I no longer had to hide myself so I could dress freely at home and go out when and where I wanted to, with the exception of staying out very late or staying overnight somewhere.  In other previous posts, Hello World Part 2 and Hello World Part 3, I go into a lot of details about what happened in my life and relationship with my spouse in 2011. 

By the time my birthday got here in August 2011, the joy and relief of being able to go almost anywhere as myself almost anytime I wanted to had been replaced by the angst of still being trapped in a life I did not want to be in.  More than just feeling trapped in the wrong body, I felt trapped in a wrong life.  My head had cleared up and I had seen that living as myself, as Tammy, was possible.  It no longer had to be just a dream, it was fast becoming a reality but still there were major obstacles to overcome.  I cried by myself on that birthday and promised myself it was the last year that I would be stuck like this.  I sort of knew it would be too much to accomplish for me to be full time by my next birthday, but on that day in 2011, I made a promise that within one year I would be in transition and by the following year's birthday, 2013, I would be full time and on the road to fully being myself.  

During the summer of 2012, after I had already started hormones, my therapist asked me what my goal was on when to go full time.  I didn't give her a date but I did give her a range.  I told her I would like to transition on New Year's Eve that year and that I had set a deadline of being full time by my birthday on August 19, 2013.  She told me to shoot for the end of 2012 and like any goal if you fall short at least you come closer to it than if you put everything off until the last minute.  A new year and a new me is the way she put it and that is exactly what I had in mind. 

Throughout my life I have been a chronic procrastinator, and at the time I really didn't think I would make my goal of being full time by the end of 2012 but I sure as heck was going to make my deadline.  I had to conquer what I saw as my "Mt. Everest" first, coming out to my parents, and that created a great deal of anxiety on my birthday last year.  As it turns out, I  conquered my own Everest and went full time a few days after coming out to them on December 21, 2012 which was the Winter Solstice and ironically the last day of the world according to the Mayan Calender.  A new era was ushered in alright, but for me it was much more of a beginning than an end.

Sharing a kiss with my baby on Thunder Ridge as the sun sets across the Blue Ridge.

So when I celebrated my birthday last month I had the satisfaction of knowing that I beat my deadline by 8 months.  This was the first birthday that I could fully be myself and everyone knew me as Tammy.  No more hiding and no tears this year!   It was a very good day to say the least and we actually celebrated the occasion over 6 days.  On Thursday I left for Virginia to spend 4 nights with my boyfriend Mitchell, then I returned home on Monday to celebrate with my parents by going out to eat and having cake at their home.  The day after my birthday I drove to Raleigh to spend time and go to dinner with my estranged spouse Joan, who gave me a very special birthday card addressed to Tammy. 

Enjoying a special dinner at a nice restaurant in Lynchburg, Virginia.

With all I went through trying to get Joan to understand and accept me for over 2 years, getting that card was a real victory.  Of course, my parents accepted me almost immediately but getting a card addressed to their daughter really, really warms my heart.  Mitchell met me as Tammy and although he saw both sides of me when the other side still existed, he has always been my biggest supporter and confidant, much more than I could have asked for in any relationship.  He has brought me a love, friendship and happiness that I never could have imagined.  I am so thankful to have all of these people in my life and especially thankful to have all of their acceptance and support.

I have conquered my "Mount Everest", now the mountains are much more manageable.  Here I am in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia.

Happy to be accepted and loved.  Enjoying time at my parent's home after a birthday meal at Red Lobster.

So, while this is turning out to be a beautiful year and I feel much better than ever, I still feel trapped in a way.  I am finally comfortable with myself and happy, but I am ready to complete my transition and move on with the rest of my life.  My goal now is to complete my transition by the time my next birthday gets here.  This has actually been my goal from the beginning but now that things have fallen into place, it looks like it has a good chance of happening.  Next year will be a big birthday for me numerically, one of the "milestone" birthdays that people usually dread.  They now say that 50 is the new 40 and I actually feel more like I am 30.  Some say that life begins at 50 and I believe that's going to be the case for me.  Hopefully, I will get to celebrate 2 birthdays next year.  I do hope you will follow me for the rest of my journey and beyond here on Tammy World and I appreciate each and every one of you!

High on the mountain, the peaceful valley awaits me on the other side. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7XnlhIDz1U

2010: Snapshot from a Pivotal Year

January 2, 2010

This was from way back at the beginning of 2010.  I was obviously happy to be dressed that day but I've changed quite a bit since then....

2010 was a pivotal year for me. 
The previous year I had made the decision to come out to my spouse and had been trying to do that for at least 6 months when this photo was taken. I had no idea how or if I could ever come out to my parents, what I considered my Mt. Everest, and my greatest fear in telling my spouse is that she would tell them about me. I also had been wanting to see a therapist for quite some time and was trying to gain the courage to actually do it.  I hoped that the therapist would be able to help me come up with a way to come out to my spouse but in October, 10 months after this photo was taken, I came out to her on my own and told her I wanted to go into therapy.  At first she agreed but it became obvious that she wanted me to see a therapist who would somehow "make me stop" and I wanted to see one that could help me with my gender issues, which had become so consuming by this time that it was seriously affecting my work.  14 months after I came out to her, in December 2011, I finally entered therapy and 12 months after that, on December 21, 2012, I was full time.  My Mt. Everest was behind me and I was much happier than I ever remembered being.

Up For Electrolysis

A couple of weeks ago, I drove up to Pennsylvania for more electrolysis, a two day session that would include my second full facial clearing by James Walker of Executive Clearance.   I talked about my first clearing in this post about my experience in June.  328 miles is a long drive but I am very motivated to get the most effective hair removal in as short an amount of time as possible, especially on my face.  The main office is located in Buffalo, NY which is 610 miles from my home in Rocky Mount, NC.  I will actually be driving up to Buffalo in mid October for my next clearing and, because it is new territory for me, I know the trip itself will be an adventure.

Big Ben style clock on a church right next to I-95 in Richmond, Virginia.  I pass it while going through downtown on every trip north. 

Traffic is almost always a nightmare around Washington, DC, but on this trip I got lucky with it.  I passed the capital area between 4 and 4:30 pm and was able to maintain the speed limit on I-95 almost all the way through the area.  I hit Baltimore during rush hour and experienced a couple of slow downs but nothing like the stop and go (mostly stop) traffic I ran into in the DC area on my last trip up, in June.  I made it to my hotel in York, Pa in 6.5 hours, which included rest stops, one fuel stop and a picnic supper at the Maryland-Pennsylvania border.

I was actually able to cover up the 4 days of hair growth fairly well with concealer, so the trip north was not as awkward as my first one in June when I didn't even make an attempt to cover it.  It had been about 10 weeks since my first full clearing, and only in the last 3 or 4 weeks had any significant facial hair returned.  Even then there had been a tremendous reduction and a couple of weeks before this trip I was worried that there would not even be enough growth to warrant driving so far for a clearing right now.  There had been a return in the last few weeks of the need to shave daily, but I could tell a big difference after the first clearing.

*****

We got a late start on the electrolysis Thursday, which worked out well for me because I had forgotten my Lidocaine cream that is used on the sensitive areas around the lips and, for me, the neck.  I had to make quite a few calls back home to my doctor's office, Wal Mart Pharmacy back home and the local Wal Mart in York.  Finally, at 4 pm, James had made it to town and set up the equipment and I had my prescription in hand and headed over to the house he works out of when in the York area.  Even with the late start, we got a couple of hours in that first day.

By mid afternoon Friday my face had been completely cleared of hair.  A total of almost 9,000 hairs removed in 6 hours of electrolysis.  That is almost 1500 hairs per hour and I understand the industry average is 300-400 hairs removed per hour.  The fact that he is much faster than anyone else I have found, as well as the fact that I find the quality of the work is second to none and he does full clearings in one extended session, is why I chose James Walker and Executive Clearance to do the rest of my electrolysis.

I already had about 32 hours of electrolysis before my first clearing in June.  In June I bought some prepaid time from a friend at a reduced rate because she could not afford to travel right now.  So, this time I bought 100 hours of prepaid electrolysis for myself.  You get a significant discount for buying a block of that much time and I feel like that will not only finish all my facial electrolysis but also be enough to clear some areas of my body as well.

15 months of hormones have caused my body hair to become much lighter, thinner and be much slower growing.  I had fairly light body hair anyway and what few hairs on my back have disappeared completely from HRT.  My arm hair is very light now and I rarely shave it; I am not sure I need to anymore. I have reached a point where the hair on my legs is very light and grows slower than my ex spouse's.  My sparse chest hair could barely be seen even if not shaved.  Still, I want my chest hair gone, because that is one place that women do not have hair.

Friday afternoon I also got my chest area cleared and we started on my underarms.  Some have asked me why I want my underarms cleared because women do have hair there.  I just feel my hair is a little thicker there than anywhere else and it is sort of a pain in the butt keeping it shaved with no stubble.  I know women that have had laser or electrolysis on the underarms and one genetic female friend who had her underarms cleared with laser told me it is starting to come back.  This is one example of why I feel laser hair removal is not nearly as effective as electrolysis, the hair tends to come back over time.  Laser can be a decent way to clear a large area in a quick time, such as when someone has heavy beard shadow and is going full time right away.  But they need to realize that eventually most of those same hairs will return and need to be removed with electrolysis. 

Luckily, I never had heavy beard shadow and now I don't have shadow at all, but I do have to shave.  I cannot wait to see how much reduction I got on this clearing though and will be right back at it with another clearing in October, then another in January. 

It turns out that underarm hair is tricky to remove with electrolysis.  James had no problem clearing all of it, it was just slower going than the face and this is apparently because of the skin in that area and the fact that hairs can grow in different directions under the arms.  I found it to be a sensitive area, almost as sensitive as my neck but not quite.  I think everyone agrees that the upper lip is the most sensitive place to have the electrolysis needle inserted and it is the one area I Have to have lidocaine to make it through.  James' technique is Much less painful than anyone else I have tried and the upper lip is the only area that I really need lidocaine on, but I also use it on my neck and now, underarms. Some say they need to have Lidocaine injections to make it through electrolysis and others complain about how painful it is, but with the right technician using the right equipment I find it to be quite tolerable.  I have experienced electrolysis that was very painful and I stopped going to that person because of that and because I was getting some scarring on my chin.

Overall, I had a total of 10 hours of electrolysis on this trip, 6 on my face and the other 4 completely cleared my upper body except for the arms.  I thought all that would take quite a bit longer so I am very pleased with the results.  I did get a couple of bruises on my neck where my skin is unusually extremely sensitive but they have faded away now.  This is the same area I had big trouble when I got the one laser treatment so I am happy to escape with a couple of temporary bruises.  Considering how sensitive my skin is, electrolysis is not as hard on my skin as I thought it would be or as tough on it as it was in the beginning.  Finding the right operator made all the difference and that's why I am willing to travel so far.  I know I am going to Buffalo next time but my real question is where do I go next, on me, for electrolysis? 


********

I have to say that in my two visits, I have found the people of York, Pennsylvania to be extremely friendly and it seems to be a really nice place.  It's about the same size as my hometown of Rocky Mount, NC; maybe not quite as big but the area seems to have about the same population.  I find a lot of similarities between the two cities but the architecture is different, especially the older, historic houses and buildings which remind of the styles seen in historic Philadelphia or Baltimore.  I wonder what Buffalo will be like?  I will find out in October and I do know they get a LOT more snow than we get in Eastern North Carolina.  Rocky Mount averages 2.37 inches of snowfall annually while the Buffalo, NY average is 67.81 inches.  Yes, that's quite a big difference so I believe traveling up there this winter is going to be quite a "white' adventure.  Luckily, I love cold weather and snow.  Next time I will really be going UP for electrolysis.

Views of Downtown York from the Waterway Grill.

Pretty, rolling farmland in York County, Pennsylvania.