Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Losing My Smile

There was once a time, just a few years ago, when I was facing the real possibility that I would transition,  The fate of this life changing event was moving from possibility to probability, from dream to reality.  Every time I would think about living full time as myself or having the surgery (GRS), a big smile would cross my face.  If I could only follow through with what I knew I needed to do.

One question kept popping into my head.  Would I still transition if something bad happened to me?  If I was in a wreck, ended up in a wheelchair, badly burned, contracted some life threatening disease or worse, would I still do it?  

When I realized I had no choice, a sense of peace came over me.  There was no decision to make after all.  I had to be me no matter what.  Whether I could pass, whether I would be pretty, whether everyone in my life shut me out and I was left on the street.  Whatever life threw at me, I would face as a female and it would be imminently better for me than the alternative. 

When you realize you Have to be yourself and you cannot take it anymore, you move forward regardless.  When the repression has been stripped away, the coping mechanisms are gone and you just can't take it anymore, you move forward.  No matter what, I was finally going to be myself and face whatever life threw at me from an authentic perspective.

So far my transition has gone extremely well, exceeding my expectations in terms of acceptance from my (small) family and society in general.  I was even lucky enough to find love, true love the way I was meant to experience it, for the first time in my life.  I know I've been very fortunate in all this as well as being blessed with a pleasant appearance and being able to pass fairly easily.  Up until now, nothing bad has happened to mess that up.

Beauty is fleeting. In one second we can lose it. Inner beauty can last forever.

This week, I am getting my first taste of what life will be like if and when (it is inevitable isn't it?) something comes along to take my health or beauty away.  After a strange headache set upon me last weekend, along with neck and earaches, I noticed some odd changes in my facial expression Sunday evening.  By the time I woke up Monday it looked like half my face was paralyzed, as if I'd had a stroke.

Fortunately, Mitchell had spent the weekend with me and he decided to take Monday off work and drive me to the doctor.  I already had an appointment that afternoon with a new general practitioner, primarily for hormones, but now the appointment would take on a different focus.

My diagnosis is Bell's Palsey.  The doctor said there's a 95% chance I have Bell's Palsy and gave me some medicine. It should clear up in a few weeks to a few months and there's a 94% none of the effects will be permanent. It' still sucks though as it seems like half my face is paralyzed.

Losing my smile.
So, for now I have lost my smile.  At least I have lost my ability to smile on the outside, but you better believe I have not lost my smile on the inside.  I'm going to keep a positive attitude and I know I'm going to beat this thing.  The fact that it is temporary in a vast majority of cases is encouraging.  The fact that my boyfriend still thinks I'm beautiful is amazing. 

True love is much deeper than skin deep.  I am so lucky to have found both the love of a good man and the love of myself.  I never had either before, and they are making all the difference.

I am going to ride on, and I will Not give up.  Not Ever!

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