Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Countdown (2 Months)


Two months from today, if everything goes as planned, I will be in Montreal, Quebec, Canada having GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery).  Today I sent in my initial deposit, about 25% of the total payment due.  So if I pass the pre-surgery physical and nothing happens here at home to delay my trip, my dreams will come true on June 16, 2014.

The plans have been made and stay tuned for further details as things get finalized (hopefully) in the coming weeks.  I guess I still have some anxiety over the physical because I still believe deep down maybe something is wrong with my heart of something else.  I had this same fear about going to the doctor to start hormones but everything checked out ok, so I have to believe it will this time too.  If someone gets sick or there is some tragedy at home, it will only delay my surgery not put and end to my plans.

My plan is to blog about the whole experience from now through the potentially long recovery process.  One of my good friends had her GRS in February, also with Dr. Brassard, and she complained to me today that too many others gloss over the painful details of recovery in their conversations, videos or blogs.  She asked me to be brutally honest in writing about my experience.  That is what I intend to do but I also want to thank her for being honest with me throughout her surgical journey.  it's not always easy but she's been very active almost since the day she got home, so I will take that as a good sign.

Some people I talk to say they had little pain in their recovery, some only taking Advil when they get home and only complaining about having to be inactive for awhile.  Some have a very hard time for awhile or end up with painful complications.  A lot of it is based on individual experience, so honestly I do not know at this point what to expect.  This is one of those things where you have to plan for the worst and hope for the best.  That's the attitude I am going to take going in, but I will tell you this.  I'm going in with a positive attitude and a knowledge that, in the end, I am going to be ok.  I feel confident that I chose the right surgeon. 

Am I scared of surgery, considering I've never had any type of surgery before?  Yes, but I know this is something I need to do to be whole, be complete, to be me.  And therefore I am not going to let fear or anything else hold me back.



Mitchell and I went over the extensive package of information the other day and made our tentative plans for the trip to Montreal.  I am so fortunate to have him in my life, have his unconditional support and especially lucky to have his undying love.  When we went out to dinner that night I just had this feeling come over me.  It was both joy and excitement, but mainly joy.  I told him I was feeling so good at that moment, like everything was finally coming together for me.  These are feelings I've never really had before and even though all through my transition I have had these joyous feelings, this one is somehow a little different.  Things do keep getting better.

When I first started therapy and began to see a clear path to fully transitioning, I would get a grin on my face every time I would think about GRS.  That hasn't changed.  Believe me, the grin was not about lying on an operating table getting surgery.  It was able my life after, the part that I've always dreamed of.  The actual surgery part is the part that sort of wipes the grin off my face because it is a scary thought, I'll be honest with you.  Knowing I will be asleep and it will be over in a couple of hours doesn't completely erase the anxiety.  The recovery will be hard even if it's a best case scenario.  I know that, but still there will be the other side once I get there.  No pain no gain, as they say.  I am just hoping for as little pain as possible and I know I will be ok.

So the journey begins here on my blog.  The road to GRS in Tammy World 2014 begins today I will proclaim, because I sent in my fist payment today.  As someone said, it's now getting real.  Two months from today it will be real.  Stay tuned is all I can say.  I know I use the words "stay tuned" a lot but for this one we are all going to have to stay tuned.  To quote Bette Davis, "Put your seat belt on, it's going to be a wild ride."