Thursday, January 23, 2014

I Have A Dream

Suddenly lifted off my feet and surrounded by light, rising at what seems to be the speed of light.....Up, up into the light....For that split second I can feel myself flying, straight up, into the brightest of the light....



Floating down the hall I approach the swinging doors and as they open I notice that I am in what looks to be a restaurant kitchen.  There is a table in the center of the room and people are gathered around it; men, women and children.  Something is happening on the table and I want to have a look, but it is so crowded I cannot get close.  I realize that some of the people are working on something on the table and I have the feeling that someone is lying there, possibly being operated on.  Finally I am able to get close enough to almost see what is going on and immediately I am flushed with bright, white light and feel myself rapidly ascending through the ceiling and beyond .  It is a feeling of being pulled up into a vortex as everything is blanked out by the light.   And then I woke up.


This was a dream I had a couple of years ago, one of those dreams I will never forget.  It was surreal and seemed to be in slow motion until I got near the table and then, Wham, I started flying up.  The feeling I had when I awakened was one of having been jerked away from a scene, or jerked out of my dream, and being transported somewhere.  Did I get there, I wonder?

I even remember little details about this dream.  Like the people at the table that turned and looked at me as I approached.  Was there something there that I was not supposed to see?  

I vividly remember the feeling of floating down a hall when the dream began although the place I associated with that part of the dream was a restaurant or one of those little beach bars on the boardwalk.  And I was heading into the back through western saloon style swinging doors.


The people seemed to move away from the table as I drew near as if they were creating a place for me to join them in viewing whatever was going on.  The looks on their faces were expressionless and they seemed to float above the ground as they moved, the way that I was doing.  I can only assume it was me they were making way for.  I never saw myself but everything was in a first person viewpoint. 

The dream moved quickly and ended abruptly.  The only feeling I remember that morning when I woke up was a fascination with this dream and living it over and over again in my head.  For awhile, as I laid in bed, I could still feel the sensation of being pulled into the air and into the brilliant, white light.  It was a good feeling, though strange.

It is not unusual for me to wake up and relive a remarkable dream, tracing back through it in my mind.  It is unusual to remember one as vividly as this one for so long, and there are only a couple more that have stuck with me like this.

It's typical for me to try to interpret dreams in the morning.  Sometimes they perplex me and other times I sort of make the meaning fit into what I want it to be.  But I never had any doubts about the meaning of this particular dream.  At the time I interpreted this dream to be symbolic of me having SRS and to this day I feel that is what it symbolized. 

During this period I had just started therapy and was considering the fact that transition might just be a real possibility for me.  I still had to climb Mount Everest but more and more this did not seem like an impossibility.  Maybe my life's dreams could really come true and maybe that is what happened in this dream.

So, there is a still a lot of mystery surrounding this dream.  I remember having the feeling that a child was on the table being operated on, but maybe that was something I wrote into it when I was rethinking the dream over and over the following morning.  Maybe the child is symbolic of me and when I took off into the sky and into the light, it was symbolic of my (re) birth.  Then I have thought it could be symbolic of my death, but that is not the feeling I took away from it.

*******

Symbolism and interpretation aside, my real dreams are coming true today.  After the seemingly insurmountable feat of climbing Mount Everest, anything seems possible.  So, after coming down from what seemed to be a rapid ascension of the mountain and spending some time resting in the valley, I have caught my breath and have big news to deliver.

Last month, December 2013, I completed all of the requirements of the WPATH Standards of Care to qualify for gender affirming surgery (SRS, GRS, GCS...).  My primary therapist wrote me a "surgery letter"and I went back for another session from my secondary (PHD) therapist and got a similar letter from her.  My doctor wrote me a letter describing my treatment as well as the fact that I am in good general health.  In fact, he wrote me that letter on the same day he wrote my letters for my NC driver's licence and Social Security.

Having all three of these letters I have scheduled GRS with Dr. Brassard in Montral, Canada for June 16, 2014.  I need to get a passport and if all goes as planned, Mitchell is going to go with me.  He's working on getting a passport too.  Of course I am very excited, extremely happy and a little nervous so please stay tuned to Tammy World to see what comes next....




I have a dream.  And it is coming true..:)