Monday, March 31, 2014

Smoking with Brassard

I had the oddest little dream last night.  I was right on the brink of my surgery, (GRS), which in reality is not that far off now.  In my dream I was here in my hometown and my surgery was like a day or two away.  I was in a doctor's office that reminded me of where I went as a child to see a pediatrician.   My doctor in this dream was an oriental woman.  She was doing things to get me ready for surgery, running tests etc.  In part of the dream I was laying on a hospital bed in what appeared to be my parents' bedroom in the house where I spent the first 12 years of my life.

The doctor made the suggestion that she could do the surgery herself, right in that hospital.  A feeling of nervous terror came over me.  I started to ask her questions, wanted to see pictures/examples of her work etc.  She was talking about doing the surgery the next day and in this dream I was about to leave for Montreal, Canada for surgery with Dr. Brassard.  After some anxious contemplation, some of it on that little bed and some outside where I used to play, I decided that no way I was going to let this doctor operate on me and that I was indeed going to Canada for my surgery.

Well, now she wanted to perform an orchiectomy on me before sending me on to Brassard.  I contemplated this also but even in my strange dream, this did not make sense.  The next thing I knew I was in Montreal in the parking lot of Dr. Brassard's office/hospital and the feeling of nervousness and dread had disappeared.

I was now walking away from the hospital on the city streets of Montreal and was aware of people stopping their cars, looking over at the hospital and making comments among themselves over what happens there.  It was an odd, sort of out of body experience as I moved along the street.  Maybe a block away, there was an expansive asphalt parking lot with a few cars scattered about it.  I walked up to a car and a man got out and lit a cigarette.  That man was Dr. Pierre Brassard.

I have never met Dr. Brassard and probably won't until I am in Montreal and ready for surgery.  In my dream he seemed like a really personable fellow, smiling and carefree.  He even offered me a cigarette which I accepted and began to smoke while casually chatting with him.  I will note that in my life I was never a smoker.  I never smoked cigarettes habitually but I have smoked them before, occasionally and casually.  It is also interesting that in the dream that I was thinking this was the last cigarette I would ever smoke as a guy and that is what I told the doctor.

In this part of the dream I had more of an androgynous presentation, sort of like I was looking back at myself in the past.  I don't present as a guy now but that is just the thought that came into my head.  I was getting my last smoke before womanhood, weird when cigarettes never meant anything to me.

In the parking lot it was very windy and we stood by ourselves, as the nearest car was quite a distance away.  No one else was in sight.  The doctor handed me another cigarette to light, presumably for him, but I had the notion that I would smoke it myself.  I took the cigarette and lit it with the one I was smoking.  The wind was blowing the cigarettes down very quickly and I stood there thoughts came into my mind like, was the doctor going to wash his hands before operating on me?  Would he smell like smoke in the operating room?  How clean of a person or how good of a doctor is he if he is smoking?  And then I woke up.

 *****

So, as usual, when I have a dream like this I wake up reliving the dream in my head and contemplate what it might mean.  Why cigarettes?  For some reason, last week while having a drink with friends, I thought about smoking a cigarette and mentioned this to them.  None of them smoke and of course I didn't do it, I just thought of it.  I used to be around a lot of people that smoked but, like I said, I never did it much.  Not tobacco cigarettes anyway, and that was the type I thought of last week and what was in this dream. 

The part about nervous anticipation before surgery is easy to explain as I am feeling that more and more here in the waking world.  It is not a problem, it's just on my mind a lot.  The female oriental doctor might be explained by the fact that I was just chatting online last night with two friends who just had their GRS last week, in Thailand.   The doctor there is male but he is well known, oriental (Thai) and a top notch surgeon. 

One part of this dream I find particularity interesting is that I was in a hospital bed in my parents' bedroom of my childhood home.  That location, that room, is where I first began to have self realizations of feeling female and began to explore my mom's things etc.  It was also in a bed there or crib that I first remember having a dream that I can best describe as an out of body experience.  Sometimes I think I was a baby then in a crib but because I have memory of it, maybe I was a small child.  In that dream, I was trying to wake myself up while asleep, and I was able to look down at myself sleeping. 

The final part of this dream, having a pleasant experience meeting Dr. Brassard, leaves me with a good, positive feeling.  I don't think I have anything to worry about with him smoking or smelling like cigarettes in the operating room, lol.  What do the cigarettes mean?  I don't know.   Maybe it signifies me putting behind all the nasty habits I used to have, and truth be told I cannot even stand the stand of cigarettes anymore.  Maybe it references a final cigarette, like something you see in the movies, before a part of me dies.

The positive that I am going to take away from this dream is that in the beginning of the dream I was experiencing a lot of anxiety very the pending surgery, and at the end I was totally at peace with it.  That is sort of an evolution I have experienced in the last years and months leading up to this point.  I will tell you that, in real life, I don't really fear surgery now.  What I fear is being put to sleep.......