Update: GRS, Therapy, Divorce...

7/24/2014

 
Two months from today I'll be having GRS in Montreal with Dr. Pierre Brassard.  I'm cautiously excited, having been through this countdown one time before.  Last time I would always preface my countdown with the disclaimer "if all goes well" as I knew something might happen to prevent me from wanting to leave the country.  My dad's health wasn't good for the last few months and I thought that something might happen to keep me home, but I honestly didn't foresee losing him this soon. 

We are still grieving but things are much better and somewhat back to normal, well as normal as can be expected right now.  I guess I still have to use my cautionary preface, because anything could happen, but I really feel like this is The Time for me.  In the upper right side of this blog I've set up a counter ticking down the days, minutes and seconds to my surgery.  Actually, we know the date but don't know the actual time of surgery yet.  Dr. Brassard starts his daily surgeries at 7 am and it will depend on what order he takes me, but I will at least be prepped and ready to go when the ticker strikes 0.  Yes, he does about 3 of these surgeries a day, sometimes as many as 5.


I want to give a brief explanation of my cover picture at the top of this page, what it means to me.  I took this photo last winter, as a morning's snow was melting in the afternoon sunshine.  Some of the Camellia bushes were blooming because of a recent warm spell and I held the camera low and took the picture looking up through the flowers to tops of the pine trees.  To me, this symbolizes spring coming out of winter and a beautiful time of change.  This shot represents my transition and rebirth, looking up toward the light.  The flowers are slightly blurred but the focus upwards towards the light is crystal clear.  This is where I am going.  Won't you follow me on my journey? 

*****

This week I saw my therapist for the first time since my father's death.  I knew I was going to cry during this appointment so I was extra careful and light with my eye makeup.  We actually had a good visit, I did cry but didn't mess up my makeup.  I'm going to see her one more time before I go to Montreal and maybe I will take my mom to meet her next time.  Mitchell went with me to my last appointment, when my dad was in the hospital.  I'm really glad he got a chance to meet Kimball and we had a good session. 

Some people ask me why I still go to therapy.  We never talk about gender issues now because it's not really an issue anymore.  They were only issues when I was living my life in the wrong gender.  Outside the first few appointments we never spent a great deal of time on gender stuff anyway, I had so much else going on in my life.  I'm sure we've spent much more time talking about my marriage, relationship to Mitchell and my parents than anything else.  That first year we really focused on my anxiety about coming out to my parents.

My therapist told me this week that I was extremely well adjusted and made good decisions.  I don't doubt that now but I really didn't see that coming just two and a half years ago when I first entered therapy.  I told her she should have seen the decisions I was making 10 years ago and she agreed that I wasn't making good decisions then.  I was not well adjusted then either but I did make one Big decision approximately 10 years ago. 

I was facing my 40th birthday, depressed, on drugs, and saw no way out.  I decided to finally allow myself to start letting what was on the inside of me out.  I stopped fighting the urge to dress and started working on a look that would let me get out of my box.  In some ways that meant getting out of the confines of home as a female, as myself, but in some ways it was much more.  I wanted to get out of my old body and life.  I needed that as I felt like I was dying and it was becoming a very unhappy, slow death.  I'd waited long enough.

Life has gradually come into me over this last decade and I feel the next decade will by far be the best ever for me.  My therapist says that there is a saying that women in their 50's are the wise women.  I don't know if I will be wise, but at least I will get to experience that decade as a woman, as myself.

The therapy, which includes transition, has been very effective for me.  I guess at some point I may stop seeing my therapist or at least only go occasionally.  We meet about every 4 to 6 weeks now and I suppose we will keep that interval for at least awhile after my surgery as I am sure there will be many new things to adjust to, both physically and mentally.  I am very happy now overall, often ecstatic, and most of all I have a positive outlook on life.  That is something I did not always have.

Among my trans friends, I think those that are the most unhappy and struggling are those who resist transition, resist their therapy.  Of course everyone is different but in my case the idea was to bring the body, mind and life together.  To live full time, or to be authentic as some call it, is the best therapy there is.  People just have to remove those barriers and roadblocks to get there, or there is suffering.  It's never an easy road, harder for some than others, but I do believe it is well worth it.  For me, it has made all the difference.

"We all have good days and bad days, but I try to be the most positive person I can be because that best reflects the way I feel inside."    Tammy Matthews

*****

After my therapy appointment on Tuesday, I met Joan in Raleigh to take care of some important business.  We still had a joint checking and joint savings account, although I have since opened separate accounts in my name only.  Our business of the day was to go to the bank and take my ownership off the two joint accounts.  Joan would now have accounts of her very own.

She also deposited the check she got from her divorce lawyer (minus his expenses) into her savings account and got her own debit card.  We were in the bank about 45 minutes overall.  I am not sure what the banker thought, but she misgendered me once (calling me he) and told him one time that we were "splitting up."  Other than that she got all the pronouns right and didn't neglect to call me Tammy.  She tries.

We decided to celebrate another level of separation by going out to a nice dinner in downtown Raleigh.  The Pit is an upscale restaurant that serves old fashioned North Carolina barbecue and other southern style food.  Well, it is upscale for a barbeque restaurant anyway, and is a very nice place.  I wanted to try some of the new restaurants downtown but Joan is a lot pickier than I am so The Pit is what we agreed to.
 

The meal was nice but a little bit heavy, as Southern food usually is.  At least we didn't get anything fried.  Joan got barbeque chicken and I think my choice of spare ribs was influenced by knowing my dogs were sitting home wanting the rib bones, but I had been wanting to try that specialty there.  I even had a sangria with my meal.  Rare is the NC barbeque restaurant that serves alcohol but having a nice drink with my meal is something I've come to enjoy.
 

There is one little aspect of our divorce that remains unfinished, the actual divorce.  As I mentioned in my recent post, Separation, we thought we were going to sign divorce papers recently but they were actually just papers finalizing the separation and agreeing to a financial settlement.  I now have, in my eager little hands, the actual divorce papers that just need to be filled out and returned to the lawyer.  Of course waiting for it to get through the court system will take a little while but this the Last Step that will end the marriage.  I know my readers have been exposed to all of my angst over this divorce, but it will be Oh Happy Day when it's all over.

One part of life ends, and another begins.  It is what I signed up for isn't it? 

Leaving Joan alone and ending this marriage is my only regret in transition, but then again that freedom was something I've really wanted for a long time.  I don't like hurting someone, breaking a promise or leaving her alone but when a marriage is not working it's time to end it.  That would be the case for us, transition or not.  I'm just really happy that we remain such good friends and are involved in each others lives. 

It's been a pretty fast transition so far and I am considered a success story at this point, at least from a transition as therapy or transition as life saving process standpoint.  I'm just so ready to get on with the next phase of transition, life and relationships.  Mitchell and I meeting when we we did may just have been perfect timing.  At the time I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't be until maybe after I was divorced and through with or much farther along in transition.  I have to admit that all of this, especially my separation and divorce, has been a whole lot easier because I have him to love and lean on.  Besides, if I didn't have him maybe Joan would have hung on in a "friendship" marriage.  We had that long enough.

Right now, I am ready for bigger and better things....a New beginning.
   
Life is a beach and the future is so bright I gotta wear shades!

Real Estate Dsyphoria

My life has changed dramatically in the last few years.  When I took my real estate class last month I reflected back on just how far I've come in only 2 years.  Each year, as a part of maintaining my real estate license, I have to take 8 hours of classes.  Even though I let my active participation as a Realtor fizzle out during 2012, I have kept my license in an active status.
 
I started out in real estate in 2009.  I'd gotten my license the previous year primarily because my father and I were considering getting into the rental/property management business but I also toyed with the idea of perhaps practicing real estate as myself (Tammy) one day, even though I wasn't close to the point of actual transition. 

When my career job in fisheries ended (for economic reasons) with the closing of the fish farm I was managing, I began to look for some other type of work.  I wanted to do something using my real estate license but it was hard for me to imagine going to work for some company and having to relate to people in an office all day.  This feeling was primarily due to my overall discomfort with myself even though I had not yet gained the courage to make any actual changes to myself.

At the fish farm, I had to be my old self (male) but pretty much had the run of the place.  The last farm I managed had one other (Hispanic) employee that quietly went about his daily duties.  I did have to deal with the owner and customers but those interactions were sporadic.  The last 6 months I worked there I was cut to part time and during this period that I devoted myself to losing weight and stepping up my ability to make a good female presentation.  I could see change written on the wall.  This was the year (2008) that I made my debut on the internet with actual photos of myself and made my fist couple of timid ventures outside the comfort of my home.

At the end of 2008 my job ended and a position as a Realtor landed in my lap.  There was an out of town company that needed someone to list some property in my town.  They had lower operating fees than the local, established companies and I could work out of my home.  Having a home office and pretty much being my own boss sounded attractive and as I had nothing else to do I signed on with that firm.  It was a very small company, based an hour and a half away, and after a few days training with owner I was let loose on my own.  I started in January 2009.

For about 3 months I attempted to limit my time spent as Tammy and focus on building up this business.  I was not out to my spouse so everything I did had to be behind her back anyway.  When she would go out of town (about every other weekend) or go to her classes, these were My times.  For those 3 months I think I only fully dressed a handful of times but I believe that limitation of myself was ultimately counterproductive because when spring arrived I made a real push to move forward. 

By this time I had acquired several more listings and was working with a few buyers so I was in business.  The real estate crash was going on in full force here so most of these listings were lower end properties and most of the buyers were looking for cheap homes and foreclosures.  Because my company offered lower commissions than the other local firms I was able to pick up a few higher end listings but they got little interest from buyers and did not sell.  I would say I was working steadily but not quite putting in full time hours during my first year in real estate.

Starting in spring 2009 I began to use all of my free time to try to develop a look that I could feel comfortable with going out into the outside world.  I'd gotten a little help with my presentation from some friends, learning makeup and so forth, but I felt it was more of a drag type look and not something I wanted for going to the mall etc.  The fact that my friend used to be a drag queen might have something to do with that.  Because my time alone was limited, progress was slow. 

The Big decision I made that spring was that I was going to come out to my spouse, Joan.  I didn't know how I was going to accomplish this but somehow, someway I was going to come out.  My greatest fear in doing so was that she would tell my parents.  To me that seemed like the equivalent of being dropped onto the slopes of Mt. Everest in winter, with no oxygen.  The other big decision I made was to see a therapist and pursue a long, grueling road to transition.  I was hoping the therapist would help me devise a plan to come out to Joan but still didn't see any possibility of revealing myself to my mother and father. 

During 2010 I continued to work the real estate business as well as work on myself.  In October I was finally able to come out to Joan and that went better than expected.  She didn't leave right away and didn't run off and tell my parents.  I had not gotten up the courage to see a therapist but told her I wanted to.  One thing that was different in how I came out to her and how many of my friends had advised me to go about it is, I pretty much told her this is what I am going to do.  We had the "little house" in the backyard and I was going to be myself there whenever I wanted to as well as go out whenever I wanted to. 

My only concessions to Joan were that I would wait until after the holidays to begin freely expressing myself in the guest house and outside world, and that I would not stay out overnight when she was in town.  She agreed that I should see a therapist but she wanted me to see one that would help me stop and I wanted to see a gender counselor.  Nothing happened with that for another year.

2011 arrived and I was making money in my real estate business, even though the market was weak here in my town.  I won't say I was making a living because after the business expenses, advertising and so forth, there was not enough income left for us to live on so we had to subsidize our existence with our investments etc.  Basically, even though I was making a profit we had to spend some of our retirement fund in order to get by. 
 

In 2011 I worked with a buyer who was a friend and knew about me.  Even though I was over a year away from going full time and not out to my real estate firm, I was able to show him a few properties while presenting as myself.  He never bought anything but this gave me a taste or what it would be like to work as myself and it really felt nice.

My dsyphoria had affected my business to a degree from the very beginning and I will have to admit that was as much a factor in my bottom line as the poorly performing market.  As 2011 rolled on I began to experience for the first time the freedom to come and go as myself when not working and was free to be myself at home.  Less than 6 months after going to a mall for the first time I was going almost anywhere.  My only real limitation was going to stores and the mall in my own town, but soon I conquered that fear.  The world was my oyster it seemed and it was becoming very difficult to go back into that empty shell, practice real estate, be called sir etc.  I made my last sale in June 2011.

After that I continued on with some listings and a few scattered buyers but my heart was not into building the business much less operating it.  I'd come to that point where the dsyphoria was really affecting all areas of my life including my livelihood.  What was I going to do?

Since Joan started spending time with me as myself, getting to know Tammy as it were, she encouraged me to come out to my parents.  This started in spring 2011 and during this time something was really coming over me.  She knew I was hurting and just wanted to help me, I believe.  During that time she also began encouraging me to go full time with the caveat that she would leave me when I did.  These were prophetic conversations we had. 

Life as myself began to be something I actually envisioned doing sooner than later and no longer just a dream.  As far as coming out to my parents, I was almost hoping she would do it for me because it still seemed to me like a greater feat than ascending Mt. Everest in winter with no oxygen, no rations and a broken leg.

When 2012 arrived I'd finally entered therapy.  Soon after my second therapy appointment in early January I got my ears pierced and my mother knew something was up.  As far as the real estate business, I planned to keep it active (although it was on life support) until the end of the year.  By that time I would come out to my parents and possibly go full time.  My deadline for transition had become August 2013 but my goal was New Year's Eve 2012.


Real Estate Class

The deadline for annual continuing education classes for North Carolina real estate agents is June 10th.  I was not alone in being an agent that waits until late May/early June to take these classes as that is the period when most of the classes are given and the time most agents take them.  What is striking to me is the contrast of the last three years of my taking this course.

Late spring 2012, I went to Raleigh for a day in the classroom taking the real estate update classes.  Technically I was still with the firm I had been practicing with but my activity in the market was down to almost zero.  I simply could not stand to put on that mask, as I saw it, and go about doing business as Mr. Matthews.  Honestly, I was holding on at this point mostly as a front for my parents before I came out to them.  I'd just started hormones and had been growing out my hair for a few months so my appearance was starting to change.  Still, that year I donned my usual (male) real estate attire, went to class and answered to Mr. Matthews.  It was horrible.

May 2013, I was now full time and no longer actively practicing real estate but I did want to keep my license updated so I again went to Raleigh to take the courses.  My parents were fully supportive of me and there were No more lies or illusions in my life.  That felt fantastic.  One thing that was missing was that my name and identification had not been changed.  My appearance had changed dramatically, as I was living as myself every day and didn't need the help of a wig or makeup in order to be called ma'am.  Because of my identification and name, I had to go to the real estate class in androgynous clothes, my hair in a ponytail and no makeup.  It was a very awkward day to say the least.  When I had to go to the ladies room I tried to seek one out that would not be crowded but the couple of times I ran other women there no one said anything.  I didn't talk to anyone in the crowded class but having to answer to my old name in the roll call made the day especially painful.

June 2014, this was a fun day of class.  Finally everything in my life was straight.  In late 2013 I'd gotten my new driver's license, complete with female gender marker, and this spring I'd gotten my real estate license updated with my new name.  For class I chose an outfit for class that was simple yet professional, something I would wear to work now as a female broker.  For the first time ever, I walked into class confident and happy.  I am not currently practicing real estate so the material was barely relevant, but I enjoyed the day nonetheless.  During breaks I talked to the older lady sitting beside me and I do not believe she sensed anything different about me.

Maybe one day I will practice real estate again.  I doubt it because it's not really my cup of tea, but with my license I can get commissions just for referrals among other things.  There are many advantages to keeping it active but I'm really much more of an artistic, creative person than a salesperson.  My previous career as a fisheries biologist was not really right for me either, although I enjoyed that career and it served its purpose.  The one thing that I am certain about is that I'm not going backwards again into pretending to be something that I am not.  I can't begin to express how much easier it is to relate to people now and how much more comfortable I feel inside.  I am still a mostly shy, reserved person but I can do anything I want to, although I have to follow my heart. 

Now I am once again looking for something to do with my life.  What will my next career consist of?  We will all have to stay tuned to find out.......

Hatteras

"Isn't it great that we can do this?" my friend Lisa asked.  Why yes Lisa, it is.  It's great that we can go anywhere we want to now.  It's great that we can just throw on some shorts, flip flops and a tee shirt (whatever) and head out the door like any other woman.  It's great we can go to all these places and no one gives us funny looks, says anything odd or calls us anything other than ma'am.  It's just awesome.

Lisa made this remark to me last week when we cruising down Cape Hatteras on NC 12 late in the afternoon.  The day started out at 10 AM when I hit the road for the coast and lunch at the beach with my BFF.  She had just celebrated her birthday a couple of days prior so I thought I would take her out to a cool restaurant in Nags Head that she had never visited before.

waiting for our table at Sam and Omie's

After an easy 2.5 hour drive through the flat farmland and forests of northeastern North Carolina, I arrived at Sam and Omie's right on time, at 12:30.  As unusual as it is for me to be on the dot on time, Lisa thought I was getting there at noon.  Oh well, we were in her neck of the woods so she found something to do while waiting for me. 

We had a great chat and a nice seafood lunch, then we needed to find something to do for a few hours.  The plan was to go pier fishing late in the afternoon when the Spanish Mackerel might be biting, as I'm still trying to find a good day to fish with Lisa on the Outer banks.  I didn't feel like burning up in the sun all day at the beach, as the summer weather has already set in down here, so we wracked our brains for something to do and finally came up with a surprising idea.  We would go shopping for awhile.

Mirror shot while shopping in Dress Barn at Tanger Outlets in Nags Head, NC

So we went to the outlet mall at Nags Head for awhile.  Because it's early beach season it was fairly crowded but not too bad to make shopping a pain.   There were a lot of people there though and a lot of kids running around.  No one seemed to give us a second glance or a second thought.  This is just typical for us and we don't think about it (anymore at least) but I mention this for those of you who are not yet comfortable going out or fear people's reaction in such open places.  Lisa and I are pretty passable, if that is a good word to describe looking and acting like any other women.  Well we are just any other women, but when I go out with those who don't consider themselves as passable we don't have any problems either.

Driving down NC 12 on Hatteras Island.

We got tired of shopping after awhile (yes, I just said that) and as it was still the heat of the day we decided to do something neither of us had done in awhile, drive all the way to Buxton and the Cape Hatteras lighthouse.  In fact we decided to go all the way to the end of the island at Hatteras.   We visited the lighthouse, the boat docks at Hatteras and walked out on the 2 ocean fishing pier's on the island. 

I have to admit to having an emotional moment as we passed by the KOA campground at Rodanthe.  My dad and I spent several days there a few years ago and I'm still at the stage where almost anything that brings a memory of my times with him will bring tears.  After that "moment" we walked out over the ocean at Rodanthe Pier and then I fixed my eye makeup in the ladies room before we got back in the car.

Having fun on Rodanthe Pier

The famous Cape Hatteras Lighthouse in the background...

The wind just wasn't blowing in the right direction for fish to be biting that day, so we decided not to fish that afternoon.  We just did the abbreviated tourist thing on the island which brought back different memories for each of us as we've both spent time there during our lives.  It was a beautiful day, though hot and humid, so riding in the car between the stops was a good way to stay cool and have some great conversation. 

We talked about our pasts' (other lives) but also about the paths we had taken to get to where we are now.  Lisa had actually been to Hatteras many years ago, dressed as herself, and walked into a grocery store to buy a few things.  She described how differently it feels now, as then she just nervously made her way in and out of the store and now she is comfortable going anywhere.  Times have changed but the biggest changes occur when we finally accept ourselves fully and begin our journey down the path of living our lives as ourselves all of the time.

Come see the Avon Pier..

After our afternoon at Hatteras we made our way back up north to Nags Head for dinner at one of my favorite little dives on the OBX, Tortugas' Lie.  We had an excellent seafood meal, a couple of margaritas and more good conversation.  An interesting thing happened there that became the subject of conversation on TBN Support, my Facebook support group.

Tortugas' is a little restaurant/bar but it gets very crowded and they have recently expanded by adding another dining room.  One thing they haven't expanded yet is the restrooms and there is only one, single stall bathroom for men and one for women.  As I was walking to the ladies room another women went in before me and locked the door.  I stood outside waiting and after a few moments a woman walked out of the mens' room.  I think she was one of the waitresses.  Right after that another woman walked up, looked at me and said, "I'm going to do what she did."  So she walked in the men's room and locked the door. 

I stood there for a minute or two, thinking about this situation, and I decided that I would go in whichever rest room opened up first.  It turns out that the woman in the men's room came out first and since no one else was there in the hall, I went in there, locked the door and did my business.  When I walked out there were two men standing by the door and I said "excuse me" as I walked past them.  When I got back to out our seats at the bar, I described to Lisa how that was not as weird as I thought it would be.

What I had done, in my opinion, was what any other woman would have done in that situation.  In fact, two women had done the same thing right before me.  A couple of people in our group stated that under no circumstances would they ever go into a men's room again and one even made the remark that this kind of thing could potentially set be a setback transgender bathroom right's.  I say that's rubbish and while I would prefer to never go into a men's room and hope not to anytime soon, if I do so it is because I'm doing the typical thing for a woman in this situation.  Yes, it happens all the time in places where the women's room is crowded and the men's room is not, particularly where there are individual restrooms.  I am pretty sure I will never go into a men's room in which the door doesn't lock, no matter what the other ladies are doing.

Lisa and I at Tortuga's Lie before going in for dinner

The point of this post alludes to my whole message in general and one of the main reasons I write this blog.  The fact that we can be ourselves (whatever that is for each of us) is something that can be an liberating experience.  Too often we let our fears govern our actions and keep us from doing what it is that we want to do, often what it is that we need to do.  This doesn't have to be the case and I am living proof of that. 

Lisa has a longer history of going out in public as herself than I do.  She made forays into "the real world" long ago but her fears kept her from really pursuing it although she did have a couple of very negative experiences that exacerbated those fears.  My fears held me back completely until about 10 years ago when I first began to unlock them and take the first solid steps toward coming out.

When our paths first crossed a couple of years ago, Lisa was amazed at how brave I was for going anywhere I wanted to but she knew she was getting a point that she needed that too.  Now she inspires others with her life and her amazing smile. 

Just like she told me earlier that afternoon, it Is Great that we can do this!

The Shell

While walking along a quiet beach, I came across a seashell lying on the hard sand there at the water's edge.  Unlike the other shells I'd come across that day, this shell was intact and its origin was of a different species than any of the other shells I had seen on my walk.  It caught my eye so I picked it up and admired it.  It was not a big shell, nor was it perfect, but it was beautiful.  The shell wanted to go home with me so I put it in my pocket and walked on down the beach.

But for one small imperfection it would have been a perfect shell.  Still, to me the shell carried meaning.  The uncrowded beach had provided a place for contemplation and meditation as I spent the day looking back on my life and thinking ahead to the great changes that are on the horizon.  So this one shell appeared at this one moment in time and I picked it up.  We share an imperfection and now we share a destiny.  A new talisman had fallen into my hands.



Fishing

I have spoken of my desire to drive to the Atlantic Ocean and go fishing on one of the many piers on the North Carolina Coast.  Recently, an opportunity presented itself for me to meet with a friend I'd met online at the Oceanna Pier and spend an afternoon fishing, so I got in my car and drove to Atlantic Beach to meet my new friend Laycie Lynn.

Laycie was at the beach with her mother and brother.  Although she's come out to much of her family, they don't yet know that she is transgender and in transition.  So it would be her "other side" that went fishing with me that afternoon, which was ok with me.  I was just happy to have the opportunity to go pier fishing, which I've enjoyed most of my life but been hesitant to indulge in since I've transitioned.  You might say that going fishing on a public pier was one of my last frontiers as a woman.

The fish had been biting in the days prior to my arrival so I was really excited to get to the ocean and see what I could catch.  My favorite fish to catch off the pier are Spanish Mackerel and Bluefish and my favorite way to catch them is by casting artificial plugs, which mimic the baitfish they feed on.  Laycie had been at the beach for a couple of days and told me of a school of Spanish that showed up at 6 PM the evening before my visit.  I was hopeful that would show again the day I was there and if conditions stayed the same it was a pretty safe bet.

I left late Thursday morning even though I'd risen with the sun.  Visiting my parents, walking my dogs then putting them in the kennel and packing the car took most of the morning.  An arrival time of mid afternoon was perfect anyway as I intended to fish until dark.  These fish tend to bite better in the first and last couple of hours of the day.

With rain in the forecast for Friday and possible storms that afternoon, I hurried to make good time once I finally got on the road.  About 1:30 PM I arrived in Morehead City, right across the bridge from Atlantic Beach, and pulled in to El's Drive In restaurant.  At El's you pull into the parking lot and waitresses come out, take your order then bring your food to you.  It is one of the few old fashioned drive in eateries that remain and I ordered a shrimp burger and fries.  The fried shrimp and french fries are not the best food for me, but they are comfort food and would fill me up as I anticipated having a late dinner.

After finishing lunch in the car I drove the last few miles to the Oceanna Motel, which is connected to the pier as part of the Ocenanna Resort.  I didn't spend too much time in the room after I checked in and made it on the pier around 3 PM.  Pier tickets are included in the price of the room here plus it's nice having everything right together.

In my room, getting ready to walk to the pier

Walking out over the ocean on the worn, wooded planks of the pier, I felt a little bit of pride and relief for having finally conquered this goal.  You see, I think I believed that by going fishing people would gender me as male or wonder why a woman would be coming to a pier by herself and going fishing.  At the very least they might be staring at me.  My friend wasn't there yet so here I was walking out to go fishing alone.  No one gave me any looks or said anything out of the way and I even saw several other fisherwomen among the sparse crowd trying their luck that day.  One women, fishing across the pier and down a ways from me, may have even been fishing alone or either her party was elsewhere on the pier.

I started casting the red and white lure with gold hooks and reeling it back to the pier.  Others were casting these plugs off the end of the pier but I positioned myself close to the end but not right with the crowd.  This way people wouldn't crowd around me and if I saw the others catching fish and I wasn't, I could always move.  No one seemed to be catching anything on the lures but the bait fishermen were pulling in a few small ones.  The water had a cloudy tint and even though it wasn't too rough, I was becoming concerned that it was too turbid for the type of fish I was after to bite lures.

After awhile Laycie showed up and joined me at my little spot near the pier's end.  We talked and fished for a couple of hours but it soon became apparent that this was not a great day for fishing.  "You should have been here yesterday" is an old slogan for pier fishing and it was proven true once again on this cloudy day. 

People around us reeled in a few very small fish and I hooked a small Bluefish that fell off on the way up from the water to the pier railing.  Laycie caught a small Blue on her bait rig and also a Hogfish that was big enough to keep, but I didn't feel like cleaning it to take home to eat.  I did want to catch enough Blues or Spanish to freeze for summer but something would have to change in order for that to happen. 

At one point Laycie asked me what time it was so I looked at my phone and told her it was 5 o'clock.  We'd been fishing together a little over an hour but hadn't had a really good conversation.  We stood next to each other for awhile as I cast my plug and she held her line with a baited rig held to the bottom by a lead weight.  After awhile she asked me again what time it was and it was now 5:45. 

We had a good talk during those 45 minutes and got to know each other a lot better.  Her struggle is similar what I am many other trans women have gone through.  Her next big hurdle is coming out to her mother and that is something I can really relate to.  Hopefully I was able to pass on some decent advice that afternoon.

We were getting ready to call it quits for the day when I finally had a solid strike.  It felt like a nice sized fish struck my lure and was now putting up quite a fight on the light rod.  I was using one of my new Ladies Light rods and reels I'd ordered online this spring.  Earlier, when I first got on the pier, a guy walked over to me and asked me where I got the ladies rods.  Maybe he wants to get one for his girlfriend or wife? 

The fish put up a good fight but I finally pulled it out of the Atlantic and onto the planks of the Oceanna Pier.  I'd finally landed a saltwater fish (as myself)!  It was not huge, barely big enough to eat, but it was an accomplishment and also the largest fish I saw caught on the pier that day.  Catching that Bluefish gave us hope so we stayed another half hour or so with no more bites.  Then we finally decided to head in. 

Over the last few hours I not only had a lot of fun bringing back one of my favorite old hobbies but had also gotten to know a new friend.  Sure, I didn't have any fish to take home to cook for Mitchell or my parents, but I'd had a good time.  I did break the ice and I did catch a fish, so overall the day was a success.  Overcoming one of the final fears of my transition (that I know of so far) would give me the confidence to do this anytime I want to and also make me question why I lacked confidence to fish around other people in the first place.  In yet another way in this amazing transition, I had come out of my shell.


A Dinner Surpise

Laycie was going to go to dinner with me but first she had to take her family into town to get them some supper.  So I had a couple of hours in the room to relax and catch up on the phone with everyone at home.  When Laycie finally showed up I got a surprise.  She'd brought some makeup and clothes with her and wanted to change in my room and go to dinner as Laycie.  That was cool, I thought, but then she told me this would be her first time going out as herself.  I thought that was way cool and I was happy to help her with eye makeup and the confidence to walk out the door for the first time.

It was just a few short years ago that I was in the same boat and I remember what a big deal it was to go out in public for the first time.  She wasn't going to start slowly either, but go to a restaurant on a busy Thursday night.  At least she would have me there to figuratively hold her hand as she made her debut. 

Laycie tole me that night that she didn't know she would have the confidence to go through with it, but she brought her things just in case.  With a little help from me she got ready, looked at herself in the mirror and decided she could do it.  Well, maybe I gave her a little nudge, but helping others take those first steps out is something I really enjoy doing.  It took me a long time to find people to help me and go places with me, so much so that I ended up making a lot of those initial strides alone.  Now I can really appreciate the value of having a big sister.

So that night I took Laycie on as a little sister and we headed out the door.  She was nervous and even told me she was shaking a little bit at the dinner table.  It didn't show and I think she presented well.  She even has a naturally feminine voice.  No one seemed to stare at us, the waitress treated us quite normally and she was even called ma'am when she ordered.  That always helps with the confidence.

Laycie feeling confident after ordering her first dinner as herself.  She said she was very nervous but it did not show.

At Amos Mosquitos on Laycie's first night out.

When we were walking to dinner, I told Laycie to stick with me, I do this all the time and it's second nature to me.  It is the first time out that is the most intimidating.  Going out as myself came naturally to me.  After the first time or two all I wanted to do was go out more and more.  Before too long it became very uncomfortable to Not be myself in public.  That's when I knew I had to transition, it wasn't just a desire anymore. 

We had a great time at dinner and hung out in the room listening to music for awhile after taking a stroll on the beach when we left the restaurant.  When it was time for her to go, Laycie had to take off the makeup and "put her mask back on" as she put it.  That is actually a very accurate description of how many of us feel.  I just know that she will keep making progress, go out more and more and probably come out to her mother before too long.

As she said in her blog, Pandora's box has been opened and it is going to be hard for Laycie to keep herself boxed in from now on.  I am just so happy to have her as a sister and to have been there when she came out of her shell for the first time.

Laycie and I in the wind outside Amos Mosquitos restaurant after dinner.

Alone

Sunday morning I awoke to the sound of wind and rain.  I looked outside and sure enough, the storm we had anticipated the day before had finally reached the coast.  Fishing was quickly ruled out, but I decided to put on my rain coat, shorts and flip flops and take a walk on the pier. 

There were a few men gathered around the door in the pier house, seemingly reluctant to set foot on the old wooden structure.  One of them advised me to be careful as I walked by them and onto the deserted pier.  They might have thought I was crazy, or just unusually brave but I really thought nothing of it.  It wasn't raining hard, the temperature was moderate and even though the pier was swaying with the wave action of the heavy surf, the turbulence of the storm was strangely comforting to me.

Having grown up visiting these old piers, I was used to being on the planks when storms moved them from side to side.  We never fished when it was this rough, but I always felt more of a connection to the earth and sea when the big waves rolled it.  The raw energy is refreshing to me.  Most of my life I've had occasional nightmares about being on a pier in an extremely violent storm, sometimes with approaching tidal waves.  I think it has been several years since I've had such a dream.  Maybe I found peace inside, but in real life I never feared the ocean.

Walking to the end of the pier, the wind fought me, trying to knock me off course.  I stayed upright and made it to the covered observation deck several hundred feet out into the white capped Atlantic. There I stood for a long while, until the rain stopped and the wind began to subside.  Then a few brave souls began to venture outside, having waited on shore until they deemed it safe enough or comfortable enough to walk out.  A pier employee walked along picking up the trash cans that had blown over and cleaning up the assorted debris the storm's action left behind.

My mind had been clear when the wind was howling.  The turbulence outside me brought a focus to the peace inside, as I contemplated where my life had been and where it was it was going.  The previous day had been my two year anniversary of beginning Hormone Replacement Therapy.  Actually I had forgotten that fact until a friend texted me to say Happy Anniversary. 

That day, a birthday of sorts, was spent relaxing, fishing and getting to know my new friend.  Today would be spent alone, reflecting on this fantastic journey.  As yesterday had been an anniversary, today was a milestone also.  Here at the ocean on May16th, I was one month away from a major turning point in my journey, Gender Reassignment Surgery.

In a month would come the culmination of my gender transition.  I was on the verge of a great ending but an even greater beginning.  It was a somber but relaxing morning in the storm.  When the clouds broke and the wind laid down I looked up and thanked God for bringing me to this point.  I felt, and I feel, ready to step forward.

This day would bring more times of peaceful reflection by the water's edge.  After leaving the pier as the others began to come out, I went back to my room and got ready to check out of the hotel.  Laycie came by for a brief visit and to say goodbye.  She and her family were heading back to far away Ohio.  They make several trips to the North Carolina coast each year, this one being their first of the season.  I told her I would try to come down and go fishing with her again this year, when I recover enough from my surgery.

After checking out of the resort I drove over to Beaufort for a pleasant lunch at a waterfront cafe and and a nice walk along the quaint town's main street, lined with shops and eateries.  This quiet coastal town was a good place for my soul to be on this reflective day.  Sometimes dining and walking alone can be a little awkward but it is just one of the things I've had to get used to in my new life.  Actually being out alone on this day, reviewing my journey and looking ahead, I came out of my shell a little more.

Dining alone for lunch at the Dock House restaurant in beautiful Beaufort, NC.

After lunch I drove back to the beach and visited Fort Macon State Park.  This historic site, located at Beaufort inlet, was the site of a Civil War fort.  On this day I walked the quiet beach where the sound meets the sea and continued my introspection.  The calm waters of Bogue Sound provided quite a contrast to the violent Atlantic surf I'd witnessed that morning.  My stroll took me all the way to the jetty at the junction of the sound and the ocean.  There I found the little shell that I picked up and sits by my bed today. 

The Shell

Bouge Inlet at Fort Macon State Park

The afternoon sun was bearing down on me so I walked back to my car and drove back to the pier.  The atmosphere was much different than what I'd experienced that morning.  People were fishing, though not catching anything significant, and surfers were out riding the waves.  I again walked to the observation deck and stood watching the water, the fishers and the surfers. 

Two surfers were out beyond the pier, trying to catch the larger waves that now only occasionally came rolling in.  One of the two surfers was female and as I watched her gracefully negotiate the tide, the thought came into my mind...If only I had had the chance to be a young woman how different my life would have been.  Would I have surfed the ocean waves? 

I was being given a second chance at life.  I can't question the past.  I can only be thankful for the new beginning.  The last few years, my transition, have been leading up to the coming moments.  Far from being over, this time of change will continue into the future.  Like the ocean, stretching as far as the eyes can see.

*******

 I drove the length of the island to come home a different way.  Late in the afternoon I stopped by Bogue Inlet Pier in Emerald Isle and spent some time on their observation deck.  I had a hard time breaking away from the ocean that day. 

The ocean had calmed down considerably that afternoon and it seemed more like the perfect beach day.  Many people were fishing on that pier but no one was catching anything.  On one side of the pier quite a few surfers were vying for the meager waves but on the other side a lone surfer used a paddle to ride the waves all the way from the end of the pier to the beach.  

After spending some more reflective time on the observation deck I took a long walk on the beach.  Before hitting the road for home I waded out as far as I could without getting my shorts wet, touched the ocean to my lips and told it goodbye.  I also said that I would be back.  

.

Halfway home, I stopped by this bucolic mill pond and admired the cypress swamp with Spanish Moss, taking one more opportunity to tune in with nature and focus on the journey ahead...

The sea is waiting for me to return, when my journey is complete...