Identification

This post is a synopsis of the process I went through to legally change my name and gender on government documents.  I've gotten quite a few questions about it, so I thought I would compile everything into one blog entry. 

In 2010, the US State Department began allowing transgender people to change their gender on passports without surgery and in June 2013 the Social Security Administration adapted a similar policy.  These federal policies apply to anyone in the USA but driver's licenses and birth certificates vary from state to state.

The first step you should take is changing your name.  This procedure is different in every state and in North Carolina, where I live, this policy can vary from county to county.  While there me be slight differences between counties, the process should be very similar everywhere.  First, I will share with you how I came up with my name.

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When I first got on the internet (~20 years ago) I chose a female name for myself based on my given first name, even though I rarely went by my first name.  Today I consider it an honor to my father, as he was often called Tommy while growing up.  My original middle name was Michelle and I chose that simply because I love that name and as a kid often fancied it as a name for myself.  I used the last name Valentine because I'd met a girl named Tammy Valentine and thought that was a really cool name.

So I started out as Tammy Michelle Valentine but when I began my transition I dropped that last name and began using my given name, Matthews.  I also dropped the middle name as I had the idea that I would ask my mother to give me a middle name when I came out.  I was being hopeful that things would go well.  As it turns out, the day after I came out to her Mama gave me the middle name Ann.  She said that she had prayed on it and came up with this name when she woke up that morning.  I thought that it was perfect!
 
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The first step is to contact the county Clerk of Court's office and ask them to send you a packet detailing what you will need to do to change your name in that county.  I had no idea that this process would take as long as it did or be as difficult as it was, but in November 2013 I finally received the paperwork for my legal name change to Tammy Ann Matthews.  I'd gone full time on the Winter Solstice of 2012 but didn't apply for my name change until the May 2013.

The following is the link to my blog post detailing that process here in Nash County, NC.....


http://tammyworld2012.blogspot.com/2013/12/legal-changes.html

In North Carolina, we have to have both FBI and SBI criminal background checks as part of the name change application.  Webpages for both agencies describe the necessary steps that must be taken in order to receive these background checks and here are the links for the FBI and (for those in North Carolina) the SBI sites..

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/identity-history-summary-checks/submitting-an-identity-history-summary-request-to-the-fbi

http://www.ncdoj.gov/getdoc/d89eb538-15a7-4f65-aa96-8219428e64bd/Background-Checks.aspx

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My next step was to change my name and gender marker with the Social Security Administration (SSA).   It's a good idea to do this before making changes on your driver's license because most states do check your SSA information when you apply for a change.  Also, just about everyone today relies on SSA information as the definitive source for your identity.  For the name change, I had to have an original copy (from the County Clerk's office) of the court order changing my name.  For the gender change you need a letter from your physician.  The details on that letter and how to go about this important step of changing gender marker on SSA records can be found in the following document.....


http://www.transequality.org/Resources/SSAResource_June2013.pdf


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The nest step was my driver's license.  I can tell you it was awkward living full time for almost a year and not having a name/gender matching identification card (license).  Before I transitioned I went and updated my picture with longer hair and an androgynous look, so the picture was not that far off from my presentation but having my old name and gender marker was problematic.  The people at my bank adjusted quickly and in most instances where I was asked for my license Is imply told them I didn't have it with me.  That kept me from having an alcoholic drink at a few restaurants but otherwise didn't cramp my style too much.

Some states won't let you change your gender marker without a letter from a surgeon stating that you have gone through gender changing surgery.  For MTFs this would be either GRS or an orchiectomy.  I have many friends in this situation and it can be a little awkward but it shouldn't hold you back from doing anything, even getting a job.  You won't be able to be stealth, however, and anyone closely examining your license will know that you are trans.

It will be easy to change your name on your license, but the ease of changing the gender marker will depend on where you live, among other factors.  Here in North Carolina I still get varying reports on whether or not friends have been able to make this change and as far as I can tell there is no clear policy at the DMV. 

Since the SSA change in 2013 I was under the impression that we could change gender markers as I know several friends who have done so.  One friend had tried repeatedly in the past but when I told her of my success and the probable new policy, she tried again and was successful.  Recently I've heard from another friend who is having trouble with it and DMV employees are telling her she needs a specific letter stating she's had surgery, so I can't say for certain what the North Carolina ruling is.  It used to vary from office to office and with different  personnel as well. 

At the NC DMV you will need the same letter outlined above for the SSA change.  I was advised to have the doctor make one change to that letter, essentially saying that you have completed gender transition.  This advice was given to me by people who successfully changed their gender markers before the 2013 federal policy change and I will say that everyone I know (but one person) that has been to DMV after me has been able to change their gender marker using the same letter they used with the SSA.
 
It should be noted that for all of these agencies, the letter must come from a physician and not a therapist.  Some doctors may have problems with the wording of "completed gender change", but from most reports this is no longer necessary in NC.  My thinking was, why take a chance.  I just made my best presentation, walked into the DMV office confidently and handed them the paperwork, telling them I was there to change my name and gender on my driver's license.  While very similar to the SSA's required letter, here is the form for the letter my doctor wrote me for the DMV..... 


Letter of gender change for NC DMV:

I, (physician’s full name), (physician’s medical license or certificate
number), (issuing U.S. State/Foreign
Country of medical license/certificate), (DEA Registration number or
comparable foreign designation),
am the physician of (name of patient), with whom I have a doctor/patient
relationship and whom I have
treated (or with whom I have a doctor/patient relationship and whose
medical history I have reviewed and
evaluated).

(Name of patient) has completed gender transition to the new gender
(specify
new gender male or female).

I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the United States
that the forgoing is true and correct.

Signature
Typed Name
Date 

Note: it might be a good idea for those living states without a clear policy of gender change before surgery to get their passport first, then go to DMV to change the gender marker on their license. 


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It is also a good idea to get a passport, especially if you are not able to change the gender marker on your driver's license.  You can get a passport card that looks similar to a license and is a good form of photo ID.   In my case, I am traveling to Canada so I needed a passport. 

For the name change, you do need a birth certificate and an official copy of the court order changing your name.  My birth certificate shows me as male but you also have to present a driver's license and the physician's letter, so they will know you are trans anyway.  The following link outlines the specifics of what you need to do to change gender on a passport.....


http://transequality.org/Resources/passports_2012.pdf


When I applied for my passport, I got a response back from the State Department stating that I needed a new physician's letter.  It seems that my doctor left out one of the important elements of the letter, in our case the DEA registration number.  There are 8 bullet points in the example letter provided in the preceding document (found in the link).  So this goes to show that those letters have to be precise and the doctor needs to provide them on paper bearing their official letterhead.  For clarification, here are the 8 bullet points for the passport change, and they differ slightly from the SSA requirements.....


*Physician's full name

*Medical license or certification number

*Issuing state of medical license/certificate

*Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) registration number assigned to the physician

*Address and telephone number of the physician

*Language stating that he/she has treated you or has reviewed and evaluated your medical history and that he/she has a doctor patient relationship with you.

*Language stating that you have had appropriate clinical treatment for the transition to the new gender (the new gender, male or female, must be stated.

*The statement must clearly state the following: "I declare under penalty or perjury under the laws of the United States that the following is true and correct." 


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The last official document I will need to change is my birth certificate.  In North Carolina this is only possible with a letter from a surgeon stating that you have undergone irreversible gender changing surgery.  I did try to get mine changed when I changed the name on it (using the letter from my doctor to DMV) but it didn't work.  You never know until you try and it doesn't hurt to try.  Oh well, with my GRS scheduled for September 24th, it won't be long until my birth certificate is changed.

Some states allow gender marker changes on birth certificates without surgery and some will never allow the birth certificate to be changed.  Still others will only issue you an amended certificate that shows the old record.  Since moving won't affect this as you are issued this document at the time and place of your birth, some are stuck with not being able to change their birth certificates. 

Times are changing and states are following the lead of the federal government in relaxing policies on gender changes to official documents.  If you live in an area that restricts your ability to change the gender marker on your driver's license or birth certificate, there is hope that you will be able to do it one day.

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I've outlined my experience so far with my name and gender change.  Any other input on current policies where you live or your experiences with this process would be appreciated.  Please post that information here in the comments section, as I am providing this blog as an information source for those going through this process.  I will say that life is much easier when you have the correct name and gender on all of your documents.  As the saying goes, it does get better.....

Hatteras

"Isn't it great that we can do this?" my friend Lisa asked.  Why yes Lisa, it is.  It's great that we can go anywhere we want to now.  It's great that we can just throw on some shorts, flip flops and a tee shirt (whatever) and head out the door like any other woman.  It's great we can go to all these places and no one gives us funny looks, says anything odd or calls us anything other than ma'am.  It's just awesome.

Lisa made this remark to me last week when we cruising down Cape Hatteras on NC 12 late in the afternoon.  The day started out at 10 AM when I hit the road for the coast and lunch at the beach with my BFF.  She had just celebrated her birthday a couple of days prior so I thought I would take her out to a cool restaurant in Nags Head that she had never visited before.

waiting for our table at Sam and Omie's

After an easy 2.5 hour drive through the flat farmland and forests of northeastern North Carolina, I arrived at Sam and Omie's right on time, at 12:30.  As unusual as it is for me to be on the dot on time, Lisa thought I was getting there at noon.  Oh well, we were in her neck of the woods so she found something to do while waiting for me. 

We had a great chat and a nice seafood lunch, then we needed to find something to do for a few hours.  The plan was to go pier fishing late in the afternoon when the Spanish Mackerel might be biting, as I'm still trying to find a good day to fish with Lisa on the Outer banks.  I didn't feel like burning up in the sun all day at the beach, as the summer weather has already set in down here, so we wracked our brains for something to do and finally came up with a surprising idea.  We would go shopping for awhile.

Mirror shot while shopping in Dress Barn at Tanger Outlets in Nags Head, NC

So we went to the outlet mall at Nags Head for awhile.  Because it's early beach season it was fairly crowded but not too bad to make shopping a pain.   There were a lot of people there though and a lot of kids running around.  No one seemed to give us a second glance or a second thought.  This is just typical for us and we don't think about it (anymore at least) but I mention this for those of you who are not yet comfortable going out or fear people's reaction in such open places.  Lisa and I are pretty passable, if that is a good word to describe looking and acting like any other women.  Well we are just any other women, but when I go out with those who don't consider themselves as passable we don't have any problems either.

Driving down NC 12 on Hatteras Island.

We got tired of shopping after awhile (yes, I just said that) and as it was still the heat of the day we decided to do something neither of us had done in awhile, drive all the way to Buxton and the Cape Hatteras lighthouse.  In fact we decided to go all the way to the end of the island at Hatteras.   We visited the lighthouse, the boat docks at Hatteras and walked out on the 2 ocean fishing pier's on the island. 

I have to admit to having an emotional moment as we passed by the KOA campground at Rodanthe.  My dad and I spent several days there a few years ago and I'm still at the stage where almost anything that brings a memory of my times with him will bring tears.  After that "moment" we walked out over the ocean at Rodanthe Pier and then I fixed my eye makeup in the ladies room before we got back in the car.

Having fun on Rodanthe Pier

The famous Cape Hatteras Lighthouse in the background...

The wind just wasn't blowing in the right direction for fish to be biting that day, so we decided not to fish that afternoon.  We just did the abbreviated tourist thing on the island which brought back different memories for each of us as we've both spent time there during our lives.  It was a beautiful day, though hot and humid, so riding in the car between the stops was a good way to stay cool and have some great conversation. 

We talked about our pasts' (other lives) but also about the paths we had taken to get to where we are now.  Lisa had actually been to Hatteras many years ago, dressed as herself, and walked into a grocery store to buy a few things.  She described how differently it feels now, as then she just nervously made her way in and out of the store and now she is comfortable going anywhere.  Times have changed but the biggest changes occur when we finally accept ourselves fully and begin our journey down the path of living our lives as ourselves all of the time.

Come see the Avon Pier..

After our afternoon at Hatteras we made our way back up north to Nags Head for dinner at one of my favorite little dives on the OBX, Tortugas' Lie.  We had an excellent seafood meal, a couple of margaritas and more good conversation.  An interesting thing happened there that became the subject of conversation on TBN Support, my Facebook support group.

Tortugas' is a little restaurant/bar but it gets very crowded and they have recently expanded by adding another dining room.  One thing they haven't expanded yet is the restrooms and there is only one, single stall bathroom for men and one for women.  As I was walking to the ladies room another women went in before me and locked the door.  I stood outside waiting and after a few moments a woman walked out of the mens' room.  I think she was one of the waitresses.  Right after that another woman walked up, looked at me and said, "I'm going to do what she did."  So she walked in the men's room and locked the door. 

I stood there for a minute or two, thinking about this situation, and I decided that I would go in whichever rest room opened up first.  It turns out that the woman in the men's room came out first and since no one else was there in the hall, I went in there, locked the door and did my business.  When I walked out there were two men standing by the door and I said "excuse me" as I walked past them.  When I got back to out our seats at the bar, I described to Lisa how that was not as weird as I thought it would be.

What I had done, in my opinion, was what any other woman would have done in that situation.  In fact, two women had done the same thing right before me.  A couple of people in our group stated that under no circumstances would they ever go into a men's room again and one even made the remark that this kind of thing could potentially set be a setback transgender bathroom right's.  I say that's rubbish and while I would prefer to never go into a men's room and hope not to anytime soon, if I do so it is because I'm doing the typical thing for a woman in this situation.  Yes, it happens all the time in places where the women's room is crowded and the men's room is not, particularly where there are individual restrooms.  I am pretty sure I will never go into a men's room in which the door doesn't lock, no matter what the other ladies are doing.

Lisa and I at Tortuga's Lie before going in for dinner

The point of this post alludes to my whole message in general and one of the main reasons I write this blog.  The fact that we can be ourselves (whatever that is for each of us) is something that can be an liberating experience.  Too often we let our fears govern our actions and keep us from doing what it is that we want to do, often what it is that we need to do.  This doesn't have to be the case and I am living proof of that. 

Lisa has a longer history of going out in public as herself than I do.  She made forays into "the real world" long ago but her fears kept her from really pursuing it although she did have a couple of very negative experiences that exacerbated those fears.  My fears held me back completely until about 10 years ago when I first began to unlock them and take the first solid steps toward coming out.

When our paths first crossed a couple of years ago, Lisa was amazed at how brave I was for going anywhere I wanted to but she knew she was getting a point that she needed that too.  Now she inspires others with her life and her amazing smile. 

Just like she told me earlier that afternoon, it Is Great that we can do this!

100 Days

My GRS, originally scheduled for June 16th has been delayed for 100 days.  Those of you who read my last post, The Premonition, will understand why, but due to my father's passing last week I decided to postpone it.  The new date is September 24, 2014.  If things had gone according to plan, Mitchell and I would be in Montreal right now and I would be checking into the hospital in 2 days for surgery Monday morning.
     

When my father was in the hospital, besides dealing with the anguish of seeing him that bed and the uncertainty of his recovery, I also struggled with the decision of whether to go to Montreal this month or not.  Honestly, when he first fell and was admitted to the hospital we assumed he would be home in a few days.  As his stay drug on closer to a week, I felt like I had to make a decision. 

Some were telling me that if I delayed surgery I would face a huge penalty.  Indeed there is a 50% cancellation fee, but I always felt like they would work with me if I needed to reschedule due to a family emergency.  This wasn't about money anyway, it was about being home when my parents needed me.  It was only the day before he died that I decided I couldn't go this month.  Before that it looked as if he would be stable enough for me to go away for a couple of weeks.

Since coming out to my parents in December 2012, my father supported my transition in every way, including having a desire to see me through GRS.  During my first year full time, when his mind was generally clearer, he would sometimes ask me when I would fully become a woman.  That is the way he looked at it.  He did address and treat me as a woman, although occasionally and understandably slipping into using my old name, but he knew there was something else I needed to complete.  


So my decision had been made the day before he passed away.  It had become obvious that no matter what happened I couldn't leave him right now.  Then on Tuesday June 3rd, my world came crashing down when he left it.  These last days have been hard on my mother and me, and Mitchell too because he is a part of the family now.  It's getting a little bit better for us day by day but we need time to heal and time to grieve.

There was just no way I was going to leave Mama alone right now or check into the hospital for this surgery on Father's Day.  Honestly, after this experience I don't even want to see a hospital right now much less enter one.  I am very disappointed that I'm having this delay but I feel that 100 days is the right amount of time to heal emotionally from the loss of my dad, enough to go through with the surgery.

Now that it's just a couple of days away from my original surgery date, I feel a little bad about it.  It's sort of like I am limbo until the beginning of fall, although any sadness about it is tempered by the loss I'm still dealing with.  I do want to thank Suzanne in Dr. Brassard's office for working with me to get the first possible surgery date after the doctor's long summer vacation.

Some things that were almost perfect about the original date were that it was just a few days before the summer solstice and the day I stopped taking hormones for surgery prep was just a little over my two year HRT mark.  Also, had things worked out I would hopefully be over the worst part of recovery by my birthday.  This is one of those "big" birthdays and now I will be "older" when the big event finally happens.

There are silver linings to this 100 day delay.  I will have all summer to get myself into the type of shape I wanted to be in for surgery.  I lost a few pounds over the last couple of months (half of what I wanted to lose) but did not reach my weight or fitness goals.  Everything would have been acceptable, but now I have another chance to truly get in the shape I want.  There is plenty of time.  I am just hoping for plenty of motivation to make it happen.


Now for the BIG NEWS.  I have already announced this surgery delay on Facebook but I have only informed a few friends of this new development......

My mother is going to go to Canada with Mitchell and I this September! 

When I first asked her she was like, No Way, she was not going to go.  By the next day, she'd had time to think about it and said Yes.  Now she is as excited as we are that she will be joining us for this great adventure.  I even took her to apply for her passport this week.

My mother, father and I visited Montreal when I was a young teenager and my main memory of that visit is the people speaking French.  Otherwise it seemed much like many of the other northern cities we visited during the summer vacations of my youth. 

This time will be Much different in a lot of ways.  We will get there a couple of days early so there will be a little time to sight see before I check into the hospital.  You know me by now, I don't want to go to a new place and not take some time to explore, no matter what I am there for.  Mitchell will have someone to talk to during the long hours that we have to be apart and Mama will have another chance to travel and something to look forward to between now and then.

So this big moment of transition is postponed just a little bit.  I am still going to have a great summer.  Actually, I will probably have more fun this summer than I would have because I won't be recovering but I am still so ready to finish this stage of transition and move on that I don't want to think about the delay.  BUT, I still have something to look forward to and it's not that far away. 

100 days.......

The Shell

While walking along a quiet beach, I came across a seashell lying on the hard sand there at the water's edge.  Unlike the other shells I'd come across that day, this shell was intact and its origin was of a different species than any of the other shells I had seen on my walk.  It caught my eye so I picked it up and admired it.  It was not a big shell, nor was it perfect, but it was beautiful.  The shell wanted to go home with me so I put it in my pocket and walked on down the beach.

But for one small imperfection it would have been a perfect shell.  Still, to me the shell carried meaning.  The uncrowded beach had provided a place for contemplation and meditation as I spent the day looking back on my life and thinking ahead to the great changes that are on the horizon.  So this one shell appeared at this one moment in time and I picked it up.  We share an imperfection and now we share a destiny.  A new talisman had fallen into my hands.



Fishing

I have spoken of my desire to drive to the Atlantic Ocean and go fishing on one of the many piers on the North Carolina Coast.  Recently, an opportunity presented itself for me to meet with a friend I'd met online at the Oceanna Pier and spend an afternoon fishing, so I got in my car and drove to Atlantic Beach to meet my new friend Laycie Lynn.

Laycie was at the beach with her mother and brother.  Although she's come out to much of her family, they don't yet know that she is transgender and in transition.  So it would be her "other side" that went fishing with me that afternoon, which was ok with me.  I was just happy to have the opportunity to go pier fishing, which I've enjoyed most of my life but been hesitant to indulge in since I've transitioned.  You might say that going fishing on a public pier was one of my last frontiers as a woman.

The fish had been biting in the days prior to my arrival so I was really excited to get to the ocean and see what I could catch.  My favorite fish to catch off the pier are Spanish Mackerel and Bluefish and my favorite way to catch them is by casting artificial plugs, which mimic the baitfish they feed on.  Laycie had been at the beach for a couple of days and told me of a school of Spanish that showed up at 6 PM the evening before my visit.  I was hopeful that would show again the day I was there and if conditions stayed the same it was a pretty safe bet.

I left late Thursday morning even though I'd risen with the sun.  Visiting my parents, walking my dogs then putting them in the kennel and packing the car took most of the morning.  An arrival time of mid afternoon was perfect anyway as I intended to fish until dark.  These fish tend to bite better in the first and last couple of hours of the day.

With rain in the forecast for Friday and possible storms that afternoon, I hurried to make good time once I finally got on the road.  About 1:30 PM I arrived in Morehead City, right across the bridge from Atlantic Beach, and pulled in to El's Drive In restaurant.  At El's you pull into the parking lot and waitresses come out, take your order then bring your food to you.  It is one of the few old fashioned drive in eateries that remain and I ordered a shrimp burger and fries.  The fried shrimp and french fries are not the best food for me, but they are comfort food and would fill me up as I anticipated having a late dinner.

After finishing lunch in the car I drove the last few miles to the Oceanna Motel, which is connected to the pier as part of the Ocenanna Resort.  I didn't spend too much time in the room after I checked in and made it on the pier around 3 PM.  Pier tickets are included in the price of the room here plus it's nice having everything right together.

In my room, getting ready to walk to the pier

Walking out over the ocean on the worn, wooded planks of the pier, I felt a little bit of pride and relief for having finally conquered this goal.  You see, I think I believed that by going fishing people would gender me as male or wonder why a woman would be coming to a pier by herself and going fishing.  At the very least they might be staring at me.  My friend wasn't there yet so here I was walking out to go fishing alone.  No one gave me any looks or said anything out of the way and I even saw several other fisherwomen among the sparse crowd trying their luck that day.  One women, fishing across the pier and down a ways from me, may have even been fishing alone or either her party was elsewhere on the pier.

I started casting the red and white lure with gold hooks and reeling it back to the pier.  Others were casting these plugs off the end of the pier but I positioned myself close to the end but not right with the crowd.  This way people wouldn't crowd around me and if I saw the others catching fish and I wasn't, I could always move.  No one seemed to be catching anything on the lures but the bait fishermen were pulling in a few small ones.  The water had a cloudy tint and even though it wasn't too rough, I was becoming concerned that it was too turbid for the type of fish I was after to bite lures.

After awhile Laycie showed up and joined me at my little spot near the pier's end.  We talked and fished for a couple of hours but it soon became apparent that this was not a great day for fishing.  "You should have been here yesterday" is an old slogan for pier fishing and it was proven true once again on this cloudy day. 

People around us reeled in a few very small fish and I hooked a small Bluefish that fell off on the way up from the water to the pier railing.  Laycie caught a small Blue on her bait rig and also a Hogfish that was big enough to keep, but I didn't feel like cleaning it to take home to eat.  I did want to catch enough Blues or Spanish to freeze for summer but something would have to change in order for that to happen. 

At one point Laycie asked me what time it was so I looked at my phone and told her it was 5 o'clock.  We'd been fishing together a little over an hour but hadn't had a really good conversation.  We stood next to each other for awhile as I cast my plug and she held her line with a baited rig held to the bottom by a lead weight.  After awhile she asked me again what time it was and it was now 5:45. 

We had a good talk during those 45 minutes and got to know each other a lot better.  Her struggle is similar what I am many other trans women have gone through.  Her next big hurdle is coming out to her mother and that is something I can really relate to.  Hopefully I was able to pass on some decent advice that afternoon.

We were getting ready to call it quits for the day when I finally had a solid strike.  It felt like a nice sized fish struck my lure and was now putting up quite a fight on the light rod.  I was using one of my new Ladies Light rods and reels I'd ordered online this spring.  Earlier, when I first got on the pier, a guy walked over to me and asked me where I got the ladies rods.  Maybe he wants to get one for his girlfriend or wife? 

The fish put up a good fight but I finally pulled it out of the Atlantic and onto the planks of the Oceanna Pier.  I'd finally landed a saltwater fish (as myself)!  It was not huge, barely big enough to eat, but it was an accomplishment and also the largest fish I saw caught on the pier that day.  Catching that Bluefish gave us hope so we stayed another half hour or so with no more bites.  Then we finally decided to head in. 

Over the last few hours I not only had a lot of fun bringing back one of my favorite old hobbies but had also gotten to know a new friend.  Sure, I didn't have any fish to take home to cook for Mitchell or my parents, but I'd had a good time.  I did break the ice and I did catch a fish, so overall the day was a success.  Overcoming one of the final fears of my transition (that I know of so far) would give me the confidence to do this anytime I want to and also make me question why I lacked confidence to fish around other people in the first place.  In yet another way in this amazing transition, I had come out of my shell.


A Dinner Surpise

Laycie was going to go to dinner with me but first she had to take her family into town to get them some supper.  So I had a couple of hours in the room to relax and catch up on the phone with everyone at home.  When Laycie finally showed up I got a surprise.  She'd brought some makeup and clothes with her and wanted to change in my room and go to dinner as Laycie.  That was cool, I thought, but then she told me this would be her first time going out as herself.  I thought that was way cool and I was happy to help her with eye makeup and the confidence to walk out the door for the first time.

It was just a few short years ago that I was in the same boat and I remember what a big deal it was to go out in public for the first time.  She wasn't going to start slowly either, but go to a restaurant on a busy Thursday night.  At least she would have me there to figuratively hold her hand as she made her debut. 

Laycie tole me that night that she didn't know she would have the confidence to go through with it, but she brought her things just in case.  With a little help from me she got ready, looked at herself in the mirror and decided she could do it.  Well, maybe I gave her a little nudge, but helping others take those first steps out is something I really enjoy doing.  It took me a long time to find people to help me and go places with me, so much so that I ended up making a lot of those initial strides alone.  Now I can really appreciate the value of having a big sister.

So that night I took Laycie on as a little sister and we headed out the door.  She was nervous and even told me she was shaking a little bit at the dinner table.  It didn't show and I think she presented well.  She even has a naturally feminine voice.  No one seemed to stare at us, the waitress treated us quite normally and she was even called ma'am when she ordered.  That always helps with the confidence.

Laycie feeling confident after ordering her first dinner as herself.  She said she was very nervous but it did not show.

At Amos Mosquitos on Laycie's first night out.

When we were walking to dinner, I told Laycie to stick with me, I do this all the time and it's second nature to me.  It is the first time out that is the most intimidating.  Going out as myself came naturally to me.  After the first time or two all I wanted to do was go out more and more.  Before too long it became very uncomfortable to Not be myself in public.  That's when I knew I had to transition, it wasn't just a desire anymore. 

We had a great time at dinner and hung out in the room listening to music for awhile after taking a stroll on the beach when we left the restaurant.  When it was time for her to go, Laycie had to take off the makeup and "put her mask back on" as she put it.  That is actually a very accurate description of how many of us feel.  I just know that she will keep making progress, go out more and more and probably come out to her mother before too long.

As she said in her blog, Pandora's box has been opened and it is going to be hard for Laycie to keep herself boxed in from now on.  I am just so happy to have her as a sister and to have been there when she came out of her shell for the first time.

Laycie and I in the wind outside Amos Mosquitos restaurant after dinner.

Alone

Sunday morning I awoke to the sound of wind and rain.  I looked outside and sure enough, the storm we had anticipated the day before had finally reached the coast.  Fishing was quickly ruled out, but I decided to put on my rain coat, shorts and flip flops and take a walk on the pier. 

There were a few men gathered around the door in the pier house, seemingly reluctant to set foot on the old wooden structure.  One of them advised me to be careful as I walked by them and onto the deserted pier.  They might have thought I was crazy, or just unusually brave but I really thought nothing of it.  It wasn't raining hard, the temperature was moderate and even though the pier was swaying with the wave action of the heavy surf, the turbulence of the storm was strangely comforting to me.

Having grown up visiting these old piers, I was used to being on the planks when storms moved them from side to side.  We never fished when it was this rough, but I always felt more of a connection to the earth and sea when the big waves rolled it.  The raw energy is refreshing to me.  Most of my life I've had occasional nightmares about being on a pier in an extremely violent storm, sometimes with approaching tidal waves.  I think it has been several years since I've had such a dream.  Maybe I found peace inside, but in real life I never feared the ocean.

Walking to the end of the pier, the wind fought me, trying to knock me off course.  I stayed upright and made it to the covered observation deck several hundred feet out into the white capped Atlantic. There I stood for a long while, until the rain stopped and the wind began to subside.  Then a few brave souls began to venture outside, having waited on shore until they deemed it safe enough or comfortable enough to walk out.  A pier employee walked along picking up the trash cans that had blown over and cleaning up the assorted debris the storm's action left behind.

My mind had been clear when the wind was howling.  The turbulence outside me brought a focus to the peace inside, as I contemplated where my life had been and where it was it was going.  The previous day had been my two year anniversary of beginning Hormone Replacement Therapy.  Actually I had forgotten that fact until a friend texted me to say Happy Anniversary. 

That day, a birthday of sorts, was spent relaxing, fishing and getting to know my new friend.  Today would be spent alone, reflecting on this fantastic journey.  As yesterday had been an anniversary, today was a milestone also.  Here at the ocean on May16th, I was one month away from a major turning point in my journey, Gender Reassignment Surgery.

In a month would come the culmination of my gender transition.  I was on the verge of a great ending but an even greater beginning.  It was a somber but relaxing morning in the storm.  When the clouds broke and the wind laid down I looked up and thanked God for bringing me to this point.  I felt, and I feel, ready to step forward.

This day would bring more times of peaceful reflection by the water's edge.  After leaving the pier as the others began to come out, I went back to my room and got ready to check out of the hotel.  Laycie came by for a brief visit and to say goodbye.  She and her family were heading back to far away Ohio.  They make several trips to the North Carolina coast each year, this one being their first of the season.  I told her I would try to come down and go fishing with her again this year, when I recover enough from my surgery.

After checking out of the resort I drove over to Beaufort for a pleasant lunch at a waterfront cafe and and a nice walk along the quaint town's main street, lined with shops and eateries.  This quiet coastal town was a good place for my soul to be on this reflective day.  Sometimes dining and walking alone can be a little awkward but it is just one of the things I've had to get used to in my new life.  Actually being out alone on this day, reviewing my journey and looking ahead, I came out of my shell a little more.

Dining alone for lunch at the Dock House restaurant in beautiful Beaufort, NC.

After lunch I drove back to the beach and visited Fort Macon State Park.  This historic site, located at Beaufort inlet, was the site of a Civil War fort.  On this day I walked the quiet beach where the sound meets the sea and continued my introspection.  The calm waters of Bogue Sound provided quite a contrast to the violent Atlantic surf I'd witnessed that morning.  My stroll took me all the way to the jetty at the junction of the sound and the ocean.  There I found the little shell that I picked up and sits by my bed today. 

The Shell

Bouge Inlet at Fort Macon State Park

The afternoon sun was bearing down on me so I walked back to my car and drove back to the pier.  The atmosphere was much different than what I'd experienced that morning.  People were fishing, though not catching anything significant, and surfers were out riding the waves.  I again walked to the observation deck and stood watching the water, the fishers and the surfers. 

Two surfers were out beyond the pier, trying to catch the larger waves that now only occasionally came rolling in.  One of the two surfers was female and as I watched her gracefully negotiate the tide, the thought came into my mind...If only I had had the chance to be a young woman how different my life would have been.  Would I have surfed the ocean waves? 

I was being given a second chance at life.  I can't question the past.  I can only be thankful for the new beginning.  The last few years, my transition, have been leading up to the coming moments.  Far from being over, this time of change will continue into the future.  Like the ocean, stretching as far as the eyes can see.

*******

 I drove the length of the island to come home a different way.  Late in the afternoon I stopped by Bogue Inlet Pier in Emerald Isle and spent some time on their observation deck.  I had a hard time breaking away from the ocean that day. 

The ocean had calmed down considerably that afternoon and it seemed more like the perfect beach day.  Many people were fishing on that pier but no one was catching anything.  On one side of the pier quite a few surfers were vying for the meager waves but on the other side a lone surfer used a paddle to ride the waves all the way from the end of the pier to the beach.  

After spending some more reflective time on the observation deck I took a long walk on the beach.  Before hitting the road for home I waded out as far as I could without getting my shorts wet, touched the ocean to my lips and told it goodbye.  I also said that I would be back.  

.

Halfway home, I stopped by this bucolic mill pond and admired the cypress swamp with Spanish Moss, taking one more opportunity to tune in with nature and focus on the journey ahead...

The sea is waiting for me to return, when my journey is complete...

Philadelphia

This spring is sprouting some fascinating adventures in Tammy World, big and small.  Life continues to be amazing!  With the flowers of May in full bloom, my journey again took me north to the Keystone State.  This time I would make even more of a mini vacation out of it and see even more friends.  As icing on the cake (or perhaps cheese on the cheesesteak), on this trip I would get to visit Philadelphia.

The adventure got off to a rocky start, almost delaying my departure by a day.  Mitchell had arrived on Sunday night and was to leave for Virginia early Tuesday morning to go to work.  I would get up with him then leave for Pa. later that morning.  Those plans were foiled Monday when we both got oil changes for our cars and he decided to get another engine service that the shop was offering on special.  When we went back Monday afternoon to pick his car up several men were standing around his car.  The hood was up and they looked perplexed.  He knew right away the news was not going to be good.  Something happened to his engine during that procedure that essentially blew it up. :(

Tuesday morning was spent making phone calls and trying to figure out what the shop was going to do to repair his car.  It quickly became apparent that whatever they were going to do was going to take time and he would need to rent a car.  Deciding who was going to pay for the rental also took awhile.  Finally, Mitchell found out he would have to pay out of his own pocket for the rental but the shop's insurance company would compensate him later.  They really make your life miserable when they make a mistake and blow up your car.

Apparently cars are not as easy to rent in these smaller cities as they are at major airports.  We called and drove all over town looking for a decent car at a reasonable rate and finally he found a place that promised a suitable vehicle would be ready before 5 in the afternoon.  It was already pushing 3 o'clock so we decided I should leave and my mother would drive him to the rental agency.  I finally hit the highway for the long drive north but Mitchell's interesting, hair pulling day was not over yet.  They ended up having to drive to a nearby city to get the car and made it there just minutes before the business closed. 

I'd never left so late for such a long drive but I felt rested so I knew it would be okay.  When my baby is here I always get a good night's sleep.  I was hopeful that the late start would allow me to miss the rush hour traffic I usually hit around Washington DC or Baltimore, and luckily that was the case.  Except for a minor delay around Richmond at 5 PM, traffic wasn't a problem.  It was after 11 when I finally arrived at my hotel in King of Prussia, too late to see my friends Sophie Lynne and Linda Lewis.  When I found out that Rachael Kruse had been up to visit from Baltimore that night , I really hated having been so late.  At least I'd made it to my destination, against formidable odds, and there was always tomorrow.

King of Prussia, Pa. 
It turns out that my hotel was across the street from the largest mall in the country.  I never made it inside the mall on this trip, further proof that I am not a shopaholic.

Into the City

Wednesday was the day to spend with Sophie and Linda.  My electrolysis appointment was Friday but Sophie had to work the rest of the week and I needed to be home Saturday night so I wouldn't miss Mother's Day.  Of course that meant that Tuesday was my last day shaving that week, but that wouldn't slow me down on this trip.  My treatments so far have really helped so with a little makeup I was ready to go.

Considering that I was staying next to the huge King of Prussia Mall, Sophie asked me if I wanted to go into the city first or go to the mall.  This may surprise some of you but that was really a no brainer.  I've been wanting to go to Philadelphia for years, having only visited that city once as a child.  So off to the big city it was, just in time for lunch at one of Philly's most famous cheesesteak shops, Jim's Steaks.

We decided to use my car for the day's tour but I let Sophie drive because she knows the area like the back of her hand and I figured she would be the better city driver.  It would be enough of a handicap for her driving around Philly with North Carolina tags, but she's a savvy enough driver to pull it off.  Besides, traffic really wasn't too bad in the middle of the day. 

As I found out on my last trip to the Philadelphia area, Sophie is an excellent tour guide.  She pointed out all kinds of sights on the ride into the city.  That area is so rich with history and culture that we could spend a week touring and barely touch the highlights, but Sophie had a plan to show us a few very special places.  Linda had only been living there a few months, having moved down from Michigan, and with Pennsylvania just thawing out from a long, hard winter this would also be her first time getting a real taste of Philly.
 
Our first stop in Philly was at Jim's on South Street and nothing tastes more like Philly than an authentic cheesesteak.  We arrived around noon and luckily the line was not bad.  These places can get very crowded at lunchtime and according to Sophie you have to know how to order there, so we let her order for us.  I was kind of expecting a "Soup Nazi" environment but I found the people working at Jim's to be super friendly.  Maybe it was because they weren't too crowded or maybe they heard my southern accent and took pity on me, but one of the older guys making the sandwiches went out of his way to remind us we were at the best steak shop around and to tell us to come back.

Making the cheesesteaks and serving them up..
Jim's Steaks South Street

We all had our cheesesteaks provolone wit' (with provolone) instead of the classic Cheese Whiz I've always heard about.  One day I might try a sandwich with it but that processed Cheese Whiz is pretty nasty, as I recall from childhood, so I think we made the right choice.  We took our sandwiches up to the second floor to eat and got a window table with a view of South Street.  Sometime I need to go back to South Street at night.  There's block after block of really cool shops and bars, many with live music nightly.  Apparently there used to be a big Punk scene down there but it's still a rock and roll destination for sure. 

Happy to finally get a real Philly cheesesteak

Linda wit' her cheesesteak

Sophie displaying her cheesesteak.

The Star:  Provolone Wit' Cheesesteak from Jim's Steaks...

South Street, Philadelphia

After devouring the juicy, delicious cheesesteaks we walked down South Street for a few blocks then went inside a little corner bar.  Sophie had a couple of surprises for Linda and I before we left the city.  It turns out that this place, Jon's Bar and Grille, was once a home and is the birthplace of Larry Fine of Three Stooges fame.  So the three of us sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.  At this early hour, yes it was going to be that kind of day!

The Three Stooges?

"Weird" Larry Fine picture on the wall at Jon's Bar and Grille.

After having the one draft beer, the three of us left Larry's old home and headed up the street for another drink, I mean piece of history.  Our next stop used to be the Dickens Inn and was at one time owned by the great grandson of Charles Dickens.  Now Cavanough's Headhouse, the bar maintains the look and feel of an authentic British pub.  Here we had a locally brewed cider that really hit the spot.  I'm finding that my tastes are changing and I am enjoying more of a variety of food and drinks now, and am especially becoming fond of sweeter drinks. 

Linda, me and Sophie by the old Dickens Inn sign at Cavanaugh's.

Finishing our ciders, it was time to stroll back up South Street then leave Philly before the afternoon traffic got bad.  I took in the sights, sounds and smells of the city as we walked along the lively street.  There is so much to see and do in the big city and there is never a dull moment, but Sophie kept us moving like a good tour guide should.  This taste of Philadelphia was just what I needed but was also just enough to make me want to come back and spend some more time in this vibrant, historic city.

Philadelphia is shrouded in history.

Sophie and Linda on South Street, by Jim's Steaks.  On the street behind them is one of the amphibious "Ducks" (former military vehicles) that serve as tour buses.  We opted for a walking tour and Sophie showing us how to "Philadelphia drive" in my car...

 

In front of the Sexploratorium, one of the unique shops on South Street (no we did not go in).

Larry Fine playing the violin on the outside of Jon's Bar and Grille

The Comcast Center (the tallest building in Philadelphia at 57 stories)

Valley Forge

We rode around a little bit on our way out of Philadelphia, driving by several more landmarks including Independence Hall and the steps made famous in the Rocky movies.  With Sophie's (Philadelphia) driving, I missed my split second opportunity to snap a picture of the Rocky statue.  Oh well, it had been a fun venture into the city and with Mission Accomplished, we headed back for an afternoon in the more relaxed atmosphere of the suburbs.

After a brief stop at the home where Linda and Sophie are staying, we made our way over to Valley Forge.  Though I'd been to Philadelphia many years before, I believe this was my first time visiting this National Historical Park.  They live just a few miles away but had not been there since winter.  Again, Sophie was the perfect tour guide as we made the driving tour through the vast, mostly open spaces of the famous winter encampment of George Washington's Continental Army. 

The Grand Parade grounds at Valley Forge

I quickly found out that Sophie holds a deep, personal connection to Valley Forge Park.  She has spent a lot of time there over many years and she's also a walking textbook of the events that occurred on those hallowed grounds during the winter of 1777-78.  Linda and I took the crash course as we wound our way through the fields and forests that hold so much history.  Despite learning this in school many years ago I don't think I'd ever gleaned a full appreciation for the importance of this regrouping of our Revolutionary War Army. 

Inside one of the cabins at Valley Forge

We made a stop at the statue of Inspector General Baron von Steuben.  On this day I found out that this Prussian general had been enlisted by Congress to assist the Continental Army and General George Washington at Valley Forge.  Inspector General Baron von Steuben is credited with drilling the fledgling American army into a precision military unit.  It seems that precision marching was the key to victory during those times and Stueben provided the expertise to train our young country's forces to act as one on the battlefield, instead of an army made up of individual units displaying different styles. 

That training had paid off by May 1778 and from that point on the Continental Army was able to hold its own against the formidable British Army, eventually allowing us to win the war and gain our independence.  Such pieces of history lie at the very heart of why the Philadelphia area is so key to what we know as American freedom.  Besides, you cannot drive a half mile in those parts without coming across at least one place where George Washington slept.  Washington was a very accomplished general and later president, but he must have really slept a lot.      

The Three of us with Inspector General Baron von Steuben

Sophie poses with the General.

Linda and I looking casual, not exactly in precision drilling formation.

King of Prussia

I also learned that the connection between the Prussian Inspector General Baron von Steuben and Valley Forge is where the neighboring city of King of Prussia got its name.  Speaking of King of Prussia, our next stop was for refreshments at Rock Bottom brewery in the huge mall there.  This was my second visit to Rock Bottom and going back makes me wish I'd signed up for their preferred customer card on my first visit.  In a way it was fateful that I didn't as that card became a card for Sophie, who has since gone full time, and as a regular there she really needs it.  I do get the feeling that I will be back though.  Next time I'm going to make sure to take time for the full tour of the vast King of Prussia Mall, although Not going into the mall on this trip is further prof that I am Not a shopaholic.  :)

Sophie and Linda at Rock Bottom

Early start at Rock Bottom....a large craft beer can be a formidable challenge.

Dinnertime was closing in so we decided to leave the mall vicinity and head to another local establishment I visited on my last trip, McKenzie's.  As fate would have it, this would be our last stop of the evening.  One the way to the restaurant we made a brief stop by the bookstore where Sophie works.  It was really cool to meet a few of her coworkers and I even bought a book about Valley Forge.  I didn't think of it at the time, but with Mother's Day approaching I ended up giving the book to Mom.  This means that we Both get to read it and she will eventually give it back to me anyway. 

McKenzie's is known for great drinks and great food and we arrived on a mission to partake of both delicacies.  Sophie had to work the next day and we'd already been out about 8 hours so I knew it wasn't going to be a long night.  So, when we sat down we went ahead and ordered dinner and I decided to switch from beers to my new favorite drink, Martinis.

The Three of us at McKenzie's

Ordering with my reading glasses, and the awesome Striped bass dinner ,with pink martini.

The dinner was really awesome and the company was even better.  I had a great time that day with these two ladies, who also happen to be Vanity Club sisters of mine.  We had some good conversation and quite a few drinks as darkness fell on the Philadelphia suburbs and the place began to get crowded.  I think we intended to leave a couple of times but decided to stay a little longer.  Eventually the dinner crowd thinned out and the night crowd arrived in time for music trivia.  At least it wasn't karaoke, although I've heard Sophie is quite well known for her karaoke skills.

Sophie posted before, during and after pictures of me on Facebook.  Ordering with my reading glasses was the before, this was the during, and since it's my blog I don't have to post the after, lol.   I Was wide awake when pictured here with our fab waitress...

We were definitely on our last drinks, having proclaimed that on the last round, or the one before.  Sophie was driving so she was keeping it cool and I do believe Linda was getting a little buzz, but me being the out of state visitor blinded by the big city lights, I wasn't leaving anything on the table.  As fate would have it, the three of us won the first round of music trivia as Team Vanity Club.  The prize was a jumbo pitcher of draft beer. Oh boy!    

The pitcher of beer got three boob approval.

Sophie photobomb with some empty glasses.

Sophie says No More!!!

As Sophie put it in her blog, they poured me back into my room a little after 11 pm and I was worn out so I washed up and went right to bed.  I woke up after about 4 hours and couldn't go back to sleep.  It must have been the alcohol or just decompression from a long, exciting day, but I did get some rest and later another hotel breakfast.  My plan for Thursday was to go by their house and get a makeup lesson from Linda, who is an accomplished makeup artist, while Sophie was at work. 

The house is being put on the market and there were some people there cleaning so I missed the opportunity for my makeup lesson with Linda.  Saturday, if there was time, I would go back over for my lesson on my way home to North Carolina but Thursday was going to be another big day followed by the all day fun of electrolysis on Friday. 

The first half of this May adventure in Pa. had been awesome and this blog entry has gotten so big that the rest of the trip will be continued in Part 2.  I want to thank Sophie for being such a great Philadelphia tour guide and thank her and Linda for an awesome day.  Both of them are super people and being able to spend time with good friends like this makes these road trips I've been fortunate to take lately really special.  I can't wait to go back to the Philly area later this year but you'll need to stay tuned for the rest of the story about this fabulous trip.

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