Update: GRS, Therapy, Divorce...

7/24/2014

 
Two months from today I'll be having GRS in Montreal with Dr. Pierre Brassard.  I'm cautiously excited, having been through this countdown one time before.  Last time I would always preface my countdown with the disclaimer "if all goes well" as I knew something might happen to prevent me from wanting to leave the country.  My dad's health wasn't good for the last few months and I thought that something might happen to keep me home, but I honestly didn't foresee losing him this soon. 

We are still grieving but things are much better and somewhat back to normal, well as normal as can be expected right now.  I guess I still have to use my cautionary preface, because anything could happen, but I really feel like this is The Time for me.  In the upper right side of this blog I've set up a counter ticking down the days, minutes and seconds to my surgery.  Actually, we know the date but don't know the actual time of surgery yet.  Dr. Brassard starts his daily surgeries at 7 am and it will depend on what order he takes me, but I will at least be prepped and ready to go when the ticker strikes 0.  Yes, he does about 3 of these surgeries a day, sometimes as many as 5.


I want to give a brief explanation of my cover picture at the top of this page, what it means to me.  I took this photo last winter, as a morning's snow was melting in the afternoon sunshine.  Some of the Camellia bushes were blooming because of a recent warm spell and I held the camera low and took the picture looking up through the flowers to tops of the pine trees.  To me, this symbolizes spring coming out of winter and a beautiful time of change.  This shot represents my transition and rebirth, looking up toward the light.  The flowers are slightly blurred but the focus upwards towards the light is crystal clear.  This is where I am going.  Won't you follow me on my journey? 

*****

This week I saw my therapist for the first time since my father's death.  I knew I was going to cry during this appointment so I was extra careful and light with my eye makeup.  We actually had a good visit, I did cry but didn't mess up my makeup.  I'm going to see her one more time before I go to Montreal and maybe I will take my mom to meet her next time.  Mitchell went with me to my last appointment, when my dad was in the hospital.  I'm really glad he got a chance to meet Kimball and we had a good session. 

Some people ask me why I still go to therapy.  We never talk about gender issues now because it's not really an issue anymore.  They were only issues when I was living my life in the wrong gender.  Outside the first few appointments we never spent a great deal of time on gender stuff anyway, I had so much else going on in my life.  I'm sure we've spent much more time talking about my marriage, relationship to Mitchell and my parents than anything else.  That first year we really focused on my anxiety about coming out to my parents.

My therapist told me this week that I was extremely well adjusted and made good decisions.  I don't doubt that now but I really didn't see that coming just two and a half years ago when I first entered therapy.  I told her she should have seen the decisions I was making 10 years ago and she agreed that I wasn't making good decisions then.  I was not well adjusted then either but I did make one Big decision approximately 10 years ago. 

I was facing my 40th birthday, depressed, on drugs, and saw no way out.  I decided to finally allow myself to start letting what was on the inside of me out.  I stopped fighting the urge to dress and started working on a look that would let me get out of my box.  In some ways that meant getting out of the confines of home as a female, as myself, but in some ways it was much more.  I wanted to get out of my old body and life.  I needed that as I felt like I was dying and it was becoming a very unhappy, slow death.  I'd waited long enough.

Life has gradually come into me over this last decade and I feel the next decade will by far be the best ever for me.  My therapist says that there is a saying that women in their 50's are the wise women.  I don't know if I will be wise, but at least I will get to experience that decade as a woman, as myself.

The therapy, which includes transition, has been very effective for me.  I guess at some point I may stop seeing my therapist or at least only go occasionally.  We meet about every 4 to 6 weeks now and I suppose we will keep that interval for at least awhile after my surgery as I am sure there will be many new things to adjust to, both physically and mentally.  I am very happy now overall, often ecstatic, and most of all I have a positive outlook on life.  That is something I did not always have.

Among my trans friends, I think those that are the most unhappy and struggling are those who resist transition, resist their therapy.  Of course everyone is different but in my case the idea was to bring the body, mind and life together.  To live full time, or to be authentic as some call it, is the best therapy there is.  People just have to remove those barriers and roadblocks to get there, or there is suffering.  It's never an easy road, harder for some than others, but I do believe it is well worth it.  For me, it has made all the difference.

"We all have good days and bad days, but I try to be the most positive person I can be because that best reflects the way I feel inside."    Tammy Matthews

*****

After my therapy appointment on Tuesday, I met Joan in Raleigh to take care of some important business.  We still had a joint checking and joint savings account, although I have since opened separate accounts in my name only.  Our business of the day was to go to the bank and take my ownership off the two joint accounts.  Joan would now have accounts of her very own.

She also deposited the check she got from her divorce lawyer (minus his expenses) into her savings account and got her own debit card.  We were in the bank about 45 minutes overall.  I am not sure what the banker thought, but she misgendered me once (calling me he) and told him one time that we were "splitting up."  Other than that she got all the pronouns right and didn't neglect to call me Tammy.  She tries.

We decided to celebrate another level of separation by going out to a nice dinner in downtown Raleigh.  The Pit is an upscale restaurant that serves old fashioned North Carolina barbecue and other southern style food.  Well, it is upscale for a barbeque restaurant anyway, and is a very nice place.  I wanted to try some of the new restaurants downtown but Joan is a lot pickier than I am so The Pit is what we agreed to.
 

The meal was nice but a little bit heavy, as Southern food usually is.  At least we didn't get anything fried.  Joan got barbeque chicken and I think my choice of spare ribs was influenced by knowing my dogs were sitting home wanting the rib bones, but I had been wanting to try that specialty there.  I even had a sangria with my meal.  Rare is the NC barbeque restaurant that serves alcohol but having a nice drink with my meal is something I've come to enjoy.
 

There is one little aspect of our divorce that remains unfinished, the actual divorce.  As I mentioned in my recent post, Separation, we thought we were going to sign divorce papers recently but they were actually just papers finalizing the separation and agreeing to a financial settlement.  I now have, in my eager little hands, the actual divorce papers that just need to be filled out and returned to the lawyer.  Of course waiting for it to get through the court system will take a little while but this the Last Step that will end the marriage.  I know my readers have been exposed to all of my angst over this divorce, but it will be Oh Happy Day when it's all over.

One part of life ends, and another begins.  It is what I signed up for isn't it? 

Leaving Joan alone and ending this marriage is my only regret in transition, but then again that freedom was something I've really wanted for a long time.  I don't like hurting someone, breaking a promise or leaving her alone but when a marriage is not working it's time to end it.  That would be the case for us, transition or not.  I'm just really happy that we remain such good friends and are involved in each others lives. 

It's been a pretty fast transition so far and I am considered a success story at this point, at least from a transition as therapy or transition as life saving process standpoint.  I'm just so ready to get on with the next phase of transition, life and relationships.  Mitchell and I meeting when we we did may just have been perfect timing.  At the time I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't be until maybe after I was divorced and through with or much farther along in transition.  I have to admit that all of this, especially my separation and divorce, has been a whole lot easier because I have him to love and lean on.  Besides, if I didn't have him maybe Joan would have hung on in a "friendship" marriage.  We had that long enough.

Right now, I am ready for bigger and better things....a New beginning.
   
Life is a beach and the future is so bright I gotta wear shades!

Support Group

I've never been active in support groups.  It was not required by my therapist and there are no TG support groups that are very local to me, although it is common for people to drive many miles to attend those meetings.  I guess I could have and maybe should have been in support groups for many different things over the years but the idea of a "group therapy" setting never appealed to me, although I do realize support groups can offer much more than just therapy.

My first therapist used to run a support group and I did attend once although it was more of a get together than an actual group meeting.  She stopped having her group not too long after that.  Donna and I drove up to Greensboro once to attend a meeting there and I did enjoy it.  This was right before I came out to my parents and I really needed all the support I could get.  She left the group over personal disagreements and I didn't want to drive over 2 hours alone for a group meeting so I never went back.  It seems the disagreements are a part of group dynamics, though my personal feeling is that almost any disagreement can be dealt with by talking things out.  Talking things out would seem perfect for a support group, don't you think?

There is another group over in Durham, a little over an hour away, that I have wanted to attend but just never have.  One of my main problems with attending these meeting is that they always occur on weekends and only meet once a month, at least the ones around here have those schedules.  Of course the weekends are the one time I usually have a social life and dates with Mitchell, so my opportunities to attend most of these meetings has been limited.

Mitchell and I will not be seeing each other this weekend as we were just together from Saturday night through Tuesday morning, so I think I will finally check out the meeting up in Durham this Saturday.  My friend Beverly has been going to this group and am planning to ride up there with another friend who lives close by, Christy.  It's been 2 years since I've seen Christy, although recently we have reconnected on Facebook.  Having a friend here in the same county is really nice so I hope we can rekindle our friendship and going to this meeting will be good for both of us.

Speaking of Facebook, that site has functioned as a support group for me the four years I've been on there, as it does for countless others.  I've made a Lot of friends through Facebook, some of which I've been lucky enough to meet in person. The group I started, Trans Beauty Network, is sort of a support group in itself although our main focus is helping trans women fit into society and not be marginalized.  Approaching 2000 members now, that group gives me hope that I've been able to give back some to the community that has helped me so much.  Writing this blog is also a way for me to give back, as well as being therapeutic for me, and hearing that it has touched so many people also gives me hope that I've been able to give back at least a little bit.


When Support Goes Wrong

Facebook is a mixed blessing when I really take a step back and look at it.  Yes, it consumes way too much of my time and energy and may even be bad for my physical health.  Mitchell pointed out yesterday, yet again, that being on Facebook costs me sleep and when I am trying to do so many other things for my health losing sleep is counterproductive.  It's also very unhealthy, potentially, to check the site on my phone while I am driving.  That is a problem, I know, and I have to stop doing that.  Sometimes too much readily available technology is not good for us although self control can and should be the answer on it.  I'm working on that, really I am.

Another problem with my use of Facebook is that sometimes, usually when trying to help others, I will say the wrong thing and offend someone or hurt someone's feelings.  This might be the case even if my support actually helps or comforts the intended party.  There can be peripheral damage to someone else.  This eats me up because if someone chooses not to discuss a problem, blocks you or ignores you, there is seemingly no way to resolve the conflict.  And I cannot stand conflict. 

This may be another issue for me to deal with, but having conflict with someone (anyone) is one thing that I avoid at almost all costs.  I've never been in a physical fight, at least not a real or serious one, and very rarely argue with anyone.  It can be said that I have a very passive personalty.  That did not serve me well in business or in trying to live as a male, but then again nothing worked for me when trying to live the wrong life. 

Having a passive personally may not serve me well now, I don't know, but I am not 100% passive.  Actually I think I stand up for myself now and am more assertive than ever now that I can be myself all of the time.  Still this is a part of my personality and it will not go away and I do not want to change that.  Being an aggressive person is not something that I want to be or could be.  Soft spoken, quiet, often shy; these all describe me but I am not always those things and not only those things.  The self confidence I lacked throughout most of life seems to be coming to me now and I know that is what I really need.  I feel good about myself so I now feel good about living and going on with my life in a positive manner.  But yet, I hurt people.

All of my life, my lies have hurt people.  I've destroyed at least one life besides my own.  Now that I am putting my own life back together and am honest with myself and others, it's apparent that I still hurt people to some degree on occasion.  It was  pointed out to me that it is not always my fault and often the other person or persons is in the wrong too, but still I always feel responsible for my part in any disagreement.  Maybe it is impossible to interact with people, especially groups of people, and not hurt someone from time to time.  Maybe that's why I avoided most human interaction most of my life.  Maybe I just need to keep my mouth, and keyboard, shut and just go about my business as quietly as possible.

My entire ethic in life is to:  (1)  Never hurt anyone, and (2)  Help people wherever I can.  I came up with this years ago and believe in this ethic from the bottom of my tiny, bleeding heart.  My bruised, damaged, lonely, desperate, diseased, good intentioned heart (that is healing now that I found love) only wants to help people.  And yet I hurt people.  My words hurt them anyway, sometimes and unintentionally.  I do not think I could ever hurt someone physically unless it was in self defense, and even then I am not sure how it would go.

All I can ask of anyone is to communicate with me, give me a chance and accept my apologies.  I've forgiven everyone that has ever hurt me, and that has been a lot, over the years.  I am only here to help, not hurt.  If what I say bothers, offends or rubs someone the wrong way I am sorry.  Please don't shut me out.  I have a message that I think is worth hearing, at least for someone, or I wouldn't be pouring my heart out day after day and night after night.  If a tree falls in the wilderness no one hears it?  If it falls in a crowded place, people get hurt.  Let me help you up, please?


Support Groups

Earlier this week, a conversation with my estranged spouse Joan got me thinking about support groups.  She told me she wants to find a support group for people going through divorce.  Hearing her utter those words cut me to the bone.  We were driving and when I heard those words I rolled down my widow, jumped out of the car and ran into oncoming traffic.  I disappeared behind a truck and no one ever saw or heard from me again.  Fortunately, those events only occurred within a split second in my mind.  In reality I kept my composure and drove us safely to our destination.  What those words, that reality, did was remind me how much this divorce has hurt the person I made a life long commitment to.

Hearing that she needs a support group to deal with the pain of our divorce drove home the fact that she is hurting and I cannot undo it.  I didn't have to do what I did.  Yes, I had to transition in order to survive but I did not have to find love.  We could have carried on in the same cold, loveless unhappy marriage lacking any sort of physical affection.  Writing these words provides the therapy I need to realize that no, we shouldn't have done that.  I needed love and I found it.  I can only hope that she finds whatever it is that she needs but what I am truly sorry about is that this separation, soon divorce, causes her so much pain.  My experience with it has not been painless either. 

The guilt over making a life long commitment, a vow before God and State, and then breaking it, sometimes breaks my spirit.  Still I know it was the right thing to do.  Even if by some measure it was not the right thing to do, it was the only thing to do.  I'm going out on a limb and saying that I needed love to survive.  No, I know I could have gone on without love, as long as I could be myself, but I wouldn't be truly happy from the heart the way I am now.  My shriveled heart would have no chance to heal without love.  Yes, I needed it.  I need it.  I hope she finds it too.

So I am going to a support group to see if I can support someone, help them out.  Maybe I am the one that needs the support, needs the help.  Either way, that's what the support groups are for.  I am not going to stop doing what I am doing.  It's all I know how to do now.  I only hope that if there is conflict or if I hurt someone they will let me talk to them about it.  Maybe we can work it out.  After all, I'm still learning here.

I just want to thank everyone for their tremendous support, it's greatly appreciated.  Inside, I am healing as a person and maturing, finally.   Mistakes I have made, but I am here to support you.  I will not go quietly into the night.