Riding into Tammy World

I could hear it coming down the street and the noise seemed to get deeper and louder as it slowed down right outside my window.  The roar of that vehicle was like nothing I had heard approaching my house before, and then it actually stopped.  After a journey of more than 1300 miles the shiny, black and blue motorcycle pulled into my driveway and beneath the dark helmet I faintly recognized my sister Pam.   She was here in Tammy World and it was a happy day!

Mileage on Pam's motorcycle odometer from her home in Oklahoma to my house.

Pam in Tammy World

Pam had a 2 week vacation last month and decided to get on her Yamaha bike and ride halfway across the country to see her son, who lives a couple hours from me, and to visit me here in Tammy World.  She was already a day late because of rain that started when she crossed the North Carolina mountains and unfortunately that rain would be a harbinger of things to come.  

I have written about Pam West in this blog before with this entry about friends being one instance as well as this one, Off to the Beach, about meeting her in person for the first time in Carolina Beach this spring, among others.  We started chatting on the internet in late 2011, right about the time I entered therapy, and she had already started gender therapy.  We bonded pretty quickly online and over the next year and a half our transitions have mirrored each other in many ways, with Pam seemingly a step ahead of me in most instances.  When we started talking I had been going out presenting female for a couple of years and was more experienced and comfortable in public than she was, but she finished therapy, started hormones and went full time before me.

When Pam first told me she had a bike I wondered if it was a 10 speed.  I hadn't known anyone with a real motorcycle since I was kid and rode a friend's minibike a couple of times.  More recently I have met several trans Facebook friends that own and ride motorcycles so I am used to hearing about "bikes" now, but I guess Tammy World was pretty limited at that time and I was a little naïve, to not even know what a real bike was.  After seeing Pam's bike and following the excitement of her trip east, then getting to take a spin on the back of it in my neighborhood, I have a sense of appreciation for the whole 2 wheels with a motor experience.  In fact, next month for my birthday, I am getting a bike of my own!  Mine will have pedals though and I don't think I will ever want a motorcycle but I do plan to get a helmet before Pam comes down on the bike again so that I can take a proper and legal ride.

Out and about with my sister during her stay in Tammy World.

Pam arrived on a Tuesday afternoon and I decided to give her a proper southern welcome by frying some chicken for supper.  It had been awhile since she had deep fried chicken and we both ate way too much of it, then talked the rest of the night and watched some television.  Wednesday was a fun day here in Rocky Mount and we started out with breakfast at my parents' house.  Mama and Daddy had yet to meet any of my friends and Pam made a good impression because she is so nice, makes a good presentation, has a good job to talk about has been through a lot of the same things that I have.  About mid day we headed over to the mall to get our brows threaded, do some shopping and get manicures/pedicures at Exotic Nails.   It was a fun afternoon of girl time at the mall then we ate subs at a pizza place before coming home for the evening.

Thursday I had a doctor's appointment in Cary for an annual physical and Pam rode up in my van with me.  She had to sit in the waiting room for an hour and a half while I waited, then had my blood tests, exam and doctor visit.  After all that we were both ready to relax and do something fun while in the city, so we went to my favorite place in the Raleigh area, Crabtree Valley Mall.  I had been fasting since midnight so the first thing we did was have some Japanese from the food court for lunch.  After that we did a lot of walking and window shopping and even bought a thing or two.  When we left the mall I rode downtown to let Pam see a little more of Raleigh before stopping by Whole Foods for dinner.   The dogs were really happy to see us and hungry for their supper when we got home a little after dark then we spent the rest of the evening relaxing at home.

Pam and I in Crabtree Mall.

Taking a break from walking and shopping to get some ice cream and water at Highway 55 Diner.  Pam is wearing the new outfit she got at Cato in Rocky Mount, doesn't it look cute on her?

Mitchell came down to see me Friday afternoon and the three of us went to my parents' house for a little while then went to Wal Mart and the mall.  I cooked supper for us, steaks for them and the dogs and some Mahi Mahi for me, and we hung out here at my house that night.  Pam was waiting to hear from her son as to when she could go up to see him, so she didn't ride down to Charlotte with Mitchell and I on Saturday to attend our friends' birthday party.  She stayed here Saturday night and ended up riding up to Virginia early Sunday morning to spend the day with her son. 

After a long ride, some of it in heavy stop and go traffic, Mitchell and I checked into a nice hotel suite in Charlotte Saturday night and went to the party at a local pub.  I got to hear him sing karaoke for the first time and I have to admit he mesmerized me even more singing in that public venue than he does when he sings for me here at home.  Hearing my man sing everything from George Jones to Poison made that whole long trip worthwhile, but it was also fun seeing a new place, hanging out with friends and meeting some new people.

Mitchell singing to me in the karaoke section of the bar.  I really hate that Pam missed this party, but she got to see her son and Mitchell and I had a good little trip out of town.

It rained all the way back from Charlotte Sunday and when we got back I heard from Pam that she was heading back to Tammy World and would arrive late that evening.  Unfortunately it rained on her all day and apparently riding in the rain on a motorcycle is not ideal.  On the bike, you don't have the comfort of a roof, air conditioner, radio and windshield wipers. But she did pull into my carport wearing full rain gear so at least she didn't get soaking wet.  I appreciate her feeding and watching my dogs Saturday night and was happy to have another full day to spend with her before she had to get on the westbound highway for Oklahoma.

Monday was another cloudy day with rain off and on.  Mitchell left early that morning to go back to work in Virginia and Pam and I did a little shopping and took a long country ride in the flat farmlands east of Rocky Mount.  When we got back into town it was still raining so we decided to have an early supper at a local favorite barbecue and fried chicken buffet restaurant.  I need to stay away from buffets and I need to stay away from fried chicken, but even though we ate too much (me in particular) we did enjoy a good last meal together in Rocky Mount.  After supper the rain let up a little bit so we went to the park with big rock formations on the Tar River, where Rocky Mount got its name.  These are tiny rocks compared to what we have in the mountains several hours west, but it is a nice spot.  We got a few pictures, then came back to the house to enjoy a couple of beers and some good conversation.  Pam is the type sister that I feel I have known all my life even though we have been talking less than 2 years and just met a couple of times this year.  We were comfortable with each other from the moment we met.  I hated that she had to leave the next morning but the good news is that we will get to see each other one more time this year, when she comes to Virginia Beach this fall for work.
 

Pam and I on he "rocky mound" where Rocky Mount got its name.

Falls of the Tar River at the old mill dam in Rocky Mount.

Sisters on the Mount.  Even though I live a long way from the mountains, the area around the falls of the Tar River in Rocky Mount where the Coastal Plain meets the Piedmont has some mountain like vegetation and rock formations.

Tuesday morning rolled around and the sun finally came out.  I was hoping for a break in the rainy weather system for Pam's long trek home that included a detour through the Smoky Mountains, including a ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway.  After breakfast she packed up and gave me my first ride on the mighty Yamaha Star 1300 motorcycle.  Since I don't have a helmet, we just took a short ride around my neighborhood, but I could feel the power of the bike and the pull of wanting to travel on 2 wheels.  She took off about 10:00 am heading west on the interstate and I followed her trip on Facebook.  Unfortunately I saw that by the time she got out of town good it started raining even though we had a fairly dry but cloudy day here.

No, I didn't actually drive it, lol.

Sisters on the Star 1300!

Pam made in to the North Carolina mountains by the end of the day and stayed in Ashville, at a hotel right off the Blue Ridge Parkway.  Apparently, the Parkway is a mecca for bikers from all over and I can understand why.  It is a winding, wide 2 lane highway with no commercial traffic, a leisurely speed limit of 45 mph, magnificent scenic overlooks and it can be a challenging ride with dramatic elevation shifts.  The next day, Pam rode on the southern leg of the Parkway on what many consider the best section of the Blue Ridge Parkway and then took a similar road through the Great Smoky Mountains National Park into Tennessee.  I was disappointed for her to hear that she experienced rain all day and really couldn't enjoy the scenery.  It was a tedious ride going over the Eastern Continental Divide under those conditions but she did make it all the way to Nashville, Tennessee by Wednesday evening when the weather finally broke.  She made it home the next night after a 12 day journey that encompassed over 3100 miles on the road.  I am just glad that Pam got to spend a week here in Tammy World and I can't wait to see her again this fall!

Pam on the Blue Ridge parkway.

End of the road, final mileage from Pam's June vacation odyssey.

 

Independence Day

Every Day is Independence Day here in Tammy World.  It can be for you too!

Yesterday was July 4th, Independence Day here in the USA.  It's a big holiday with lots of food, fireworks and a celebration of American freedom and patriotism.  In North Carolina, July 4th is also the Free Fishing Day, which is the only day all year that anyone can fish without a license.  Since I am currently between fishing licenses I decided to exercise that freedom by taking Buddy fishing.  We haven't been in over a year and missed out on the spring fishing because I don't want to renew my fishing license until I get my new driver's license with my new name on it, which will be soon I hope. 

I have always loved fishing and it's one of the few things I decided to carry over from my old life to my new one, its just something I had not experienced as myself yet.  I have owned a couple of boats in the past and I sold my last one last year but I enjoy fishing from the shore or piers better anyway.  To me, fishing is relaxation and boats are not all that relaxing.  They usually create headaches or, at the very least, add more work and a lot more cost to the experience.  I still own a canoe that I plan to fix up and use again but it does not require a motor, doesn't make noise and is small and light enough that I can handle it myself.  Still, you just can't beat standing on that bank or pier and throwing a line into the water to see what might bite it.  

When it comes to methods, fishing with artificial lures is what I enjoy most.  There is something about fooling a fish into biting a piece of metal, plastic or feathers that is much more satisfying than putting a worm or minnow on a hook to get a bite.  Lures add an element of skill not found in bait fishing and they are a lot less messy.  Also, I think its more ladylike to fish with artificial bait than it is to get dirt under your fingernails from using worms or handle smelly bait.




Buddy

So I loaded my long time fishing partner, Buddy Matthews, into the van and drove out to the country.  We have experienced a lot of heavy rain lately and all the places I wanted to fish on the Tar River in and around Rocky Mount were kind of flooded out with very high, muddy water.  My thinking was that we could go north, closer to the headwaters of one of the creeks, and find some clearer water with better conditions.  We were quite a ways outside of town when we crossed one of the bridges over Swift Creek and it looked like a cup of coffee with lots of cream.  Our plan was to head even further north and fish that creek but it didn't look like it would be fishable anywhere on this day.  After a week or so of rain we finally a pretty day with blue skies and we were enjoying the country ride so I decided to keep going north into Franklin County, Buddy's original home turf.

We made a big loop on quiet country blacktops, hardly seeing any other cars, then crossed Swift Creek again where the water was almost as muddy as it was downstream and too high to get down to the bank and fish.  We came very close to the tiny community of Wood, North Carolina and then hit NC 58 South going back towards Nash County.  The idea crossed my mind to go to Bodie's Mill Pond, which was just off the highway on the way home, and toss a spinning lure into the water.  I didn't think we would catch anything there but at least there was a small area with free bank fishing access that shouldn't be flooded out.  

Nash County is growing green with agriculture



Nash County tobacco field

Driving south on 58 into Nash County, we hit the small town of Castalia and there were people everywhere in this usually deserted little town.  I had forgotten that Castalia bills itself as "The Place to Be on the 4th of July" and so there I was, on July 4th.  Traffic was not bad, after all this is a tiny town, but it was nice to see all the flags, vendors and people setting up chairs along the roadway in anticipation of the coming 4th of July parade.  The smell of food lured me in, so I pulled over and bought a $2 hot dog, forsaking the healthy lunch that I had packed.  There is nothing more American than eating a hot dog on the 4th of July so I am glad I got a chance to eat one, and in the perfect setting too.  Buddy didn't seem hungry and I hated to feed him anything with the word dog in it, so I only bought one.

All American lunch



Castalia is The Place to be on July 4th.

After eating my hot dog and riding through  the carnival like atmosphere of Castalia on their big celebration day, we took a little detour on a dirt country road then headed to the pond.  There were a few cars in the small parking lot at  Bodie's Mill Pond when we got there, with a couple of little boats in the water and several people fishing on the grassy bank.  This is the site of an old grist mill dating at least as far back as the 1800's and there is a small dam on the creek that creates a lake of maybe a couple hundred acres.  I have been on this pond in a canoe before and it does go back a mile or more to the swampy headwaters.  The area around the little boat ramp where you can actually fish on the bank is quite small but Buddy and I walked over to the edge of the wooded area and found a spot to cast for a little while. The water was muddy with a lot of current and I didn't get a bite but it was good to finally wet a line and have a chance to fish as myself for the first time.  




Nash  County country road



Buddy walking along the pond's bank.

Dam and old grist mill at Bodie's Mill Pond

We didn't stay too long at the old mill pond and, having broken the ice by making my first casts as myself, I had one more place I wanted to try before heading home.  We stopped by the Historic Tree Park when we got back into town, as there is a little pond there I have never tried out.  The other spot we could have gone is the much larger City Lake, but it is usually crowded with a lot of people and a walking trail going around the entire lake so there is no way I could let Buddy off the leash there.  We have walked the dogs at almost all the parks in town and I had seen people fishing at this small park but never seen them catch anything, so I didn't have high expectations.  Still, this one more spot we could cast for awhile on this Free Fishing Day.

It was the heat of the day and extremely humid when we got out to fish at the little pond.  I was glad no one else was there so I wouldn't have any problem with Buddy following me around without a leash.  When I first starting taking him shore fishing, maybe 10 years ago, he would ramble around and sometimes wander off.  In the last few years he has settled down as he's gotten older and become the perfect fishing dog that doesn't stray far from my side.  We walked almost all the way around the pond making casts and though we had a couple of strikes we hadn't caught anything.  When we were almost back to the van I had one more little tap on my line and managed to reel in a small Bluegill.

Bluegill and the small spinner I caught it on.

The species Lepomis macrochirus, or Bluegill, is commonly referred to as Bream in these parts.  My mom has a picture of me on a childhood beach trip with my first fish ever.  I was a little kid about 4 years old standing on the beach holding up a small Spot (Leiostomus xanthurus), which is kind of the salt water equivalent of the Bream.  So, my first fish of the year and of my new life as myself was a tiny Bream.  It is fitting to start small and work my way up but I was just happy to catch a fish, any fish, on this day, partly so I could have a picture for this blog.

The best thing about fishing is just being out by the water, enjoying the scenery, relaxing and having fun.  Buddy and I had done all of that on this day and we look forward to going again soon.  After coming home and cleaning up all three of us (Buddy, Nightingale and myself) went over to enjoy the rest of the holiday with my parents.  Having their love and acceptance makes every day seem like a holiday now, but we enjoyed watermelon, ribs and hamburgers to celebrate this Independence Day.

 


 


Independence Day is all about freedom.  Aside from all the celebrations, festivals and time with family its also a time to reflect on what freedom, or independence, means to us individually.  This year I celebrated my independence from a life lived trying to meet other people's perceived expectations of what I was supposed to be.  This year I celebrated the freedom I have earned to be myself and finally live my life for me.  I had no idea that in doing so I would actually better serve the people I had hid myself from and tried for so long to please by being something I am not, but that is how it has worked out.  I can do anything I want to do now, even go fishing, and because I do it all as myself it feels so right.  



If you feel like you are trapped in the prison of living a lie just to please other people, whatever that case may be, just know that it doesn't have to be that way.  You can live your life for you and those that truly love you will accept you, even if it takes time.  Your job will be accepting of you as you really are or its likely not the right job for you or you are not right person for it.  Only when you are happy and comfortable within yourself can you be the best person you can be.  Life can and will be better for you, your loved ones and everyone in your life if you are true to yourself.  You can be free.  Then every day will be Independence Day. 

Time for Change: Fall 2011

My 3 part coming out series, Hello World, concluded with the end of summer in September 2011. Hello World Part 1 ended with my coming out to my spouse in October 2010 and telling her I wanted to enter therapy to help me deal with my gender issues.  I could not continue to keep myself bottled up or hold myself back any longer, so I had to do what I had previously thought I could never do, come out to her. Part 2 dealt with the aftermath of coming out, going through a period where I was taking it slow with her, making compromises and ended with her finally spending some time with me as Tammy. Hello World Part 3 documents my continuing progress in my female gender role both in the outside world and at home. Getting to know the real me was an eye opener for my spouse, Joan, and while she did not yet fully accept me or want to be seen in public with me as Tammy, she did the incredible thing of encouraging me to come out to my parents. It would take me more time to accept that I could come out to them so that I could fully live my life freely as myself, but she helped to realize it was a possibility and even a necessity.  2012 was approaching and it was time for change.

September 24, 2011

Autumn 2011

When my last entry in this series, Hello World Part 3, ended I had just experienced my first date with my eventual boyfriend, Mitchell. He came to my house and we spent several hours together before I asked him to leave. He was prepared to spend the night but I was not nearly ready for that yet but we did enjoy a very romantic evening. Even though it was our first date, I felt very close to him and knew we shared a lot of interests and goals. We had talked on the phone often for several weeks, exchanged messages online and met in person (though briefly) at a couple of parties, so I felt like I knew him very well right from the beginning.

The following Saturday I had plans to visit some friends near Wilson, which is about 20 miles from where I live, then pick up something to eat and go shopping. I was always considerate of my spouse here at home, who has a lot of insecurities, and tried not to leave her home alone for too long. Mitchell was determined to see me one way or another although I sort of went out my way not to make a date with him. Whatever was happening, I wanted to take things slow with us and I was afraid I had given him the wrong impression inviting him over on our first date. I didn't feel I was in a good position (being married) to actually have a boyfriend nor did I want it to be that easy. He was persistent and wanted to meet me in Wilson for dinner only if that's all I would agree to, and it was. He made the 1.5 hour drive and showed up bearing flowers again. We had a nice dinner and talked for a bit then he drove back home to spend time with his kids and I went home and watched television with Joan. 


We had a similar date the following weekend and the weekend after that I had the house to myself again and invited him over. I still didn't let him stay overnight but as he was leaving (about 4 am) I sort of let the words "I love you" slip out. That may have caught both us by surprise but this was a feeling that had developed in me rather quickly over the past few weeks. I did not want to be in love with anyone and if I was I did not want him to know. It seems like I had found someone very special but it just wasn't the right time in our lives for a loving relationship as both of us were married, although he was in the process of separating. I just played it down and tried to control my feelings, telling him from the beginning that we both had to take it slow.

Spending as much time as possible out in public getting comfortable in a variety of different situations: here on October 1 doing my favorite activity, shopping.

There was a party coming up for our Yahoo group on the 7th and 8th of October. Mitchell already had a date to this party with another girl, new to our group, that he had dated some in the months prior to meeting me. They obviously didn't have an exclusive relationship and he had not seen her since our first date. Anyway, he did have this date set for her at the two night party although he actually told me he would cancel it and go with me if I wanted him to. This really put me on the spot, because I did want to go with him but I did not want to be reason he cancelled the date with this new girl to the area and our Yahoo group.  That is just not my style and I did not want to be known as that type of person. I told him to go with her even though I knew they would be staying in the hotel together for 2 nights. He urged me to come to the party anyway and I planned on possibly driving up Saturday night for a few hours and then making the one hour drive back home.

Every morning since our first date Mitchell would send me a text saying something like "Good morning beautiful, smooches."  He almost always gets up earlier than me so I had come to expect those texts to be on my phone when I woke up.  That Saturday morning I checked my phone and there was nothing.  All I could think about was him  at the hotel with that other girl and I began to cry.  I was not on hormones yet but still the tears really flowed.  I was blue for a couple of hours and finally, about noon, he called me.  We spoke for a few minutes, which made me feel better, but still I could not get over the fact that Mitchell was going to spend the day and evening with someone else.  Was he playing me?  I am the one that told him to keep his date he made before we met and go with her so I only had myself to blame, right?  Still, something seemed very wrong.

I got dressed for the party Saturday night but I ended up staying home and hanging out with Joan.  I had my usual buzz with beer and pot and I tried not to think about what was going on at that party.  Sunday morning I woke up and there was no text message from Mitchell and I started crying again.  This time it was even worse and I stayed in the bathroom for a long time, hiding my emotional state from Joan.  Soon it was checkout time at the hotel and Mitch called me when he hit the road.  I think I was still in the bathroom when I took his call and when I told him I had been crying over the disastrous weekend, he began to cry too.  We cried together on the phone and I could tell he had the same feeling of wrongness that I had been experiencing.  That afternoon, on the telephone, we decided to date exclusively from that day on.  I was still sort of numb from the emotional weekend and I didn't feel any real victory that Mitchell had decided to date only me, it just felt right.  That day was was October 10, 2011.

NC State Fair 2011

The North Carolina State Fair in Raleigh started the following week and we had been talking about going together so we made a date to meet in Raleigh and drive together to the fair.  By now I had been all over the place as Tammy; with Mitchell, with friends and mostly by myself. Still, this would be a big test for me because even though we chose to go on a Tuesday when it would not be jam packed with weekend crowds, there would still be thousands and thousands of people there. The weather was sunny and hot which made for an even more crowded day at the huge fair.  Mitchell had bought me two pair of tennis shoes and that day was the first time I wore female tennis shoes.  I wore a comfortable grey and pink pair to the fair and the other pair was white and could barely be distinguished from my "other" tennis shoes.  After the fair date I started wearing the white pair when in "male mode" and I would never wear male tennis shoes again.
 

In the State Fair parking lot with the flowers Mitchell brought me.

We had a blast at the State Fair and if it was a test I passed with flying colors.  I only had one little nervous "moment" when we were in a crowded exhibit building and people were walking around and into us from all directions, and even then Mitchell quickly calmed me down.  He was becoming an anchor for me in more ways than one and at the end of the long day we sat in the parking lot and had a long and fairly deep conversation. If I was having a dream I did not want to wake up.  I was feeling so blessed to have someone to share all these experiences with as well as sharing more and more of my heart.
 

My boyfriend and I at the NC State Fair 2011

Mitchell and I exchanged texts every morning, talked on the phone at least once a day (we still do these things) and went out most weekends.  When Joan went out of town I would have him over but still not to spend the night.  One Saturday night in October he came all the way to Wilson, just 20 minutes from my house, got a hotel room and we went out to dinner then hung out in the room until around midnight.  He stayed in the room all night but I drove home and Joan was already in bed when I got here.  I sat up for awhile in the bar in my little house and I remember feeling like a teenage girl who came home to meet her curfew.  Joan did not like to be left alone at the house all night.  I had made progress over the last year even staying out until midnight or so without her with me but I always came home unless she was out of town.  This limitation was really starting to bother me but I tried not to push her too far too fast because of how far I had come in gaining more freedom and getting her to at least be tolerant of the changes I had made so far. She also knew that I was taking a variety of "herbal" hormones and that I was intending to follow through with medical hormones and transition at some point in the not too distant future.

I had to remember back to what she told me when I first came out to her over a year ago, that she would leave if I ever became a woman full time.  I also had to remember what she told me earlier in 2011 that I should in fact follow my heart and transition but that ultimately she would leave me.  It was really a testimony to how much I cared about Joan that I did not want to push her far enough that she would leave, not yet anyway.  I didn't know what would become of her without me and I wasn't yet ready to imagine my own life without her here.  Part of it was also my desire to keep the dogs together as a family because I knew she would take Jumper with her when she left.  

After feeling so foolish about coming home that night and leaving Mitchell in the hotel room all alone, and all the other nights I was coming home when I wanted to stay out all night, I began to tell Joan that after the first of the year I would be staying out overnight sometimes even when she was home.  Luckily she was going away to stay with her sister in Raleigh a couple of weekends a month but I was starting to want/need even more freedom.  I just wasn't ready to shake up my little family quite yet.

3 parties
 

Flowers from Michell for the Halloween party

At the end of October there was a Halloween party for the Carolina Meeting Place Yahoo group.  This was the group that held the parties where Mitchell and I met and this was to be our first party attending together as a couple.  I felt a little uneasy about going because Mitch had gone to the party earlier in the month with another date and she was to be at this Halloween function too.  I told him I felt some trepidation about that but once we actually got to the party I was relaxed and everything was fine.  It turns out this girl did not even show up, but it wasn't because of us. 

Cougar and Tamer

My costume was a cougar theme and Mitchell was an animal tamer.  There is some irony here in that I am older than him so in some ways I am the "cougar" and he is the first man to "tame" me in the sense of getting me into a steady relationship.  I was very happy in our budding relationship though and we had a great time at the party.  That night in the hotel was the first night we ever stayed overnight together and I began to discover how nice it is to have someone to cuddle with all night during sleep.  I had never really experienced this even in all my years of marriage and I would quickly grow to love it.

November party at Christy's

Mitchell, me and hostess Christy Michaels

In November my friend Christy had a party at her house which is only like 15 minutes from where I live.  It wasn't a big party like the ones we have in Raleigh but there were about 6 or 7 girls that came down from the Raleigh area so we had a good party in her nice home here.  This was to be the first night that Mitchell and I actually slept together overnight at my house, after getting home from the party.  Because I didn't want to have him over into the main house yet we slept here in my little guest house on the couch and later on a sleeping bag on the hard, cold tile floor because the couch was so small.  After that night I decided to get a futon for the little house and that ended up being my Christmas present from my parents that year.  Little did they know what it was to be primarily used for..:)

Sitting with my signature Bud Light and straw, at Christy's.

The third party of the season was on December 8th, an early Christmas party for the CMP group.  This time I didn't have any trepidation about going and I did get to meet the new girl in the group that Mitchell had gone out with.  We actually got along pretty good and sort of made friends but after that she flaked out and didn't go to any more parties and then dropped out of the whole scene.  After 2 months of going steady Mitchell and I were very comfortable together but we were still taking it slow overall while getting to know each other better.  We say that we took it slow, and we did in our relationship progression, but our hearts did not take anything slow.  We were very much in love by now and that just continued to grow and grow.

Mitchell and I at the 2011 Christmas party.

Carolina Meeting Place founding members Sabrina and Danielle on my right, group leader Candi on my far left in the Christmas dress and another friend, Julie, directly to my left.

Of course I was doing much more that fall than just going to parties.  I continued to get out more and more as myself, going any and everywhere.  I had lost any fear I had about being seen out in my hometown and the fact is I hardly knew anybody here or ever ran into the few people I did know anyway.  As well as developing my female life I was also deconstructing what male life I had left, outside of family, and this was a concerted effort.  I was down to one friend that would come visit once or twice a week and I began to cancel those visits more and more.  The more I was allowing myself to be myself the harder it was to attempt to present any other way.  I really had done nothing in my real estate business since Spring except some BPO's (Broker Price Opinions) for banks and foreclosure companies where I would just ride by a property, take some pictures and do some internet research.  This did not require interacting with anyone in person so I could easily do it as Tammy and usually did. 
 
At home, Joan was totally comfortable with me as myself but I had to present male when we went out and, of course, around my parents.  Things were tense when my friend came over and I was not comfortable with myself but I did not bother to come out to him because he projected himself as a very intolerant person.  He did, however, see many things on my computer like my Facebook page so I know he knew at least something about the real me.  He never brought it up and we never talked about it but then again we never really talked about anything serious or personal.  We just smoked, drank beer and watched movies or listened to rock music.

The partying was growing old very fast with me too.  I wasn't enjoying it much anymore and I think a big part of the reason is that I was finally feeling much more comfortable within myself (most of the time) and didn't need to blot the pain out by getting stoned.  Plus, I had real hope for the future and I knew the parts of my old life that I was holding onto would soon be discarded and I would finally get to have the life I always wanted but until fairly recently never thought I could have.  At least I was hopeful that this is what would happen.  The new year was almost here and I had great hope that 2012 would be my year for change.  I don't think there was anything magical about that year in history, even with all the folklore surrounding it, but in my own life I was dedicated to making big changes and that is all that mattered.

Therapy

On December 14, 2011 I timidly walked into a therapist's office in Raleigh, North Carolina.  Except for a brief, bad experience with psychologists when I was in junior high school, I had never been to any type of therapist and I was terrified to do it.  When I got there I was given some basic forms to fill out and also a sheet that listed all types of situations such as depression, drug and alcohol use, thoughts of suicide,  problems with school or work etc. etc.  I remember circling everything on the sheet except for a handful of things and after a brief interview when I gave it to the therapist she told me I was probably in the right place.  

In that first meeting I was honest with her and we went back into my childhood briefly, what I had been doing more recently, why I felt I was there etc.  I did tell her that I had always felt that upon getting evaluated by a psychologist I would be committed to a mental institution and also that I felt I was dying and had never felt I would live much longer.  I had these feeling all the way back to when I was in school, its one reason I never took really good care of myself.  When I was 20 I thought I would die before age 30.  When I was 30 I knew I wouldn't live to see 40.  When I turned 40 I had a big emotional and physical crash and something changed within me.  I still thought I was going to die soon but I no longer fought as hard to suppress what I felt inside.  

So, at age 40 after almost 35 years or fighting the desire to be female and only putting on other people's clothes, I started allowing myself to buy my own clothes and wig and began to cross dress whenever I could while trying to develop a look and presentation that I could eventually take out into the real world.  I had already been looking for help with that online for a few years but had no luck except finding people with ulterior motives so I waited and began to experiment on my own.  I came out of my shell, slowly at first, and my journey had finally led me to this therapist's office.  I had nothing left inside but Tammy and I was so ready to change the outside also.  Not the temporary transformations I had been doing, first on the weekends I could be alone, then eventually most of the time.  I wanted real change and permanent change.  Much of the the pain I had carried since my teenage years had subsided but not all of it and I really could not hold myself back anymore.

Still, I didn't ask the therapist for anything like hormones and I didn't try to tell her what I felt was wrong with me.  I was just honest with her from Day 1 and I let her evaluate me and diagnose me over time.  That's why I was not presenting as Tammy when I went to the appointment.  I went in just like I got out of bed in the morning but on each future appointment I did something else to overtly feminize my appearance.  For my first appointment I wore girls jeans and tennis shoes but had on a male sweater.  That was the last time I wore any male clothing to an appointment and I have never worn a wig to her office.  I walked out after that initial meeting feeling confident that I was not going to be committed to a mental institution, not immediately anyway.  That was enough for me to make a second appointment after Christmas and we were on our way. 

Christmas shopping at Crabtree Mall in Raleigh.

On Flickr I called this one Inside Out
Inside Out: This is a pretty good representation of me looking on the outside how I feel on the inside.  Nothing glamorous, just me.

The best part about Christmas 2011 was the shopping because I did all of it as myself.  We always had a big Christmas tree at my house and a big celebration with what little family I have, at my parent's house.  I always enjoy that time with family, even though I couldn't yet be myself with them, but I had a certain spark inside because I knew that day was coming.  Maybe it wasn't coming very soon but I did feel like it was coming and that gave me some peace.  

New Year's Eve was the first night I spent away from home while leaving Joan at the house alone.  I was in a hotel in Raleigh with Mitchell and we had a great night even though we were both experiencing some anxiety about our marriages and home situations.  Kissing him at midnight and cuddling with my man all night made all that anxiety go away for the moment and 2012 came in with great anticipation and promise.  I was determined to make 2012 a great year, the best year ever for me, and I knew it would be because it was My time for change.

December 30, 2011. Trying on my New Year's Eve outfit at home and exited about the arrival of 2012. 
Time for Change



Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I was lucky enough to spent about 8 hours of it with my parents.  The big difference in this year and years past is that this year I got to be myself all day, like I am every day.  A year ago I was really worried about coming out to them and had no idea what would happen when I did.  For several years, since I realized I needed to come out to my parents, I had looked at that event as my own "Climbing Mount Everest".  In the past I never thought I could have the strength or courage to "climb Mt. Everest" so I was just going to keep myself bottled up my whole life.

Of course, Mt. Everest proved to be an easy mountain to climb.  The only mountain that had existed was in my own mind.  My parents accepted me immediately and unconditionally.   It didn't seem to be a complete surprise, especially to my mother, and they were just happy to know what was wrong with me and to finally know the real me.  Things have gone Much better than I ever expected since coming out last December so we are blessed with some happy times now and a great day yesterday.

My Dad and I on Father' Day 2013

My Mom and Dad picked me up about 10 am and we went to IHOP for a pancake brunch.  Afterwards we took a long country ride with me driving my mom's van and my dad taking his nap during part of the trip.  On the way back into town we rode through the cemetery and went by all the old family graves.  We stopped by my grandparents burial sites and they got a chance to remember their own fathers.

I remember my grandfather on my father's side very well even though he died when I was about 12.  One time I was wearing my grandmother's clothes, wig and all, and he came in the house and scolded me.  I was probably about 8 years old and that was the one time in childhood that members of my family (grandmother and a couple of great aunts) had seen me dressed and they seemed to have fun with it for a few minutes before my grandad walked in.  I don't remember what he said but it was serious and he wasn't happy so I will never forget that day. 

I never showed off to anyone after that and went into complete hiding.  My grandfather was very good to me as far as taking me fishing and doing some other fun things, including going to a professional baseball game with my parents and I once in Atlanta.  When he would watch sports on television he would sometimes remark about what a shame it was for the players to have to run a play over when they showed instant replay, but I think he was at least halfway joking.  He was born in the country close to my hometown and in his his lifetime he had been a butcher for a major grocery chain and even owned his own grocery store in Rocky Mount at one time.

Daddy explaining how barbecue pork was cooked at the site of an old restaurant that his great uncle owned.

Daddy pointing out where he grew up in an area that is now a park in the flood zone of the Tar River.

I never knew my grandad on my mother's side as he died before I was born but I am told he was a great man.  My parents still live in the big house he built on 3 lots, right up the street from where I live now.  He owned a large farm in another part of the state, some tobacco warehouses here in town and was even a Baptist minister in his spare time.  He and my grandmother grew up in Kentucky and moved to North Carolina when they got married because of the tobacco business.  He had my parent's current house built when Mom was in high school and we moved into it when I was 12 years old, after my grandmother died.  It is funny because where we lived before that was only a couple of blocks away and I live a block away now, so I have actually lived most of life in a very small area of the world.

Dad reading the first ever Father's Day card I gave him that says "From your daughter..."

He is happy with his box of candy!

My Dad's family did not have as much money as my Mom's did from raising and selling tobacco, but they did ok.  He always told me that when he was a kid during the depression they ate well because my grandfather had a grocery store.  Daddy played football and was a star player in High School.  He ended up with a full scholarship to Duke University, who had a very good football team at the time and has always been a great school.  He hurt his knee playing football there and then he went into the Army and hurt his knee again playing baseball.  So when he got out of the Army he went to law school at UNC on the GI bill and became an attorney then later a local judge.

Because Daddy was in local politics and a well known figure about town I always kept a low profile with everything I did.  He always wanted me to do this and that, great things, and although I was smart enough I was very unhappy with myself so I just couldn't do it.  Staying alive and keeping myself out of trouble was about all I could manage to do and it is amazing I got in as little legal trouble as I did, considering all the things I used to do.  Everything I did was a struggle and life was a miserable existence.  Still, I kept a good relationship with my parents and we were always close, as close as I was with anyone although I was very quiet, shy and secretive.  I never let anyone too close for fear they might "see through me" and figure me out.

Daddy retired about the time I graduated from high school so he wasn't a sitting judge when I was arrested for possession of marijuana on a dirt road in the county during my freshman year of college.  I tried to keep it from my parents but they found out about it anyway, I should have known they would.  That was just one of many, many instances where I disappointed and probably embarrassed them but even then they were only exposed to the tip of the iceberg, thank Goodness.

After that I managed to stay out of trouble, in the local area at least, and never got in any serious trouble.  I always got the feeling that he was disappointed in me but I know my parents loved me enough that it didn't really matter.  After going to college on and off between working various jobs, I finally graduated and eventually got a job in my chosen field and ended up working in it for 13 years.  I got married of course, when I was 34, which is actually about the age my Dad was when he married my Mom.  They did not marry young like most people did back then and soon afterwards they adapted me as a baby.  I could have ended up anywhere but I am really glad I ended up where I did!

Daddy wearing one of the gifts I gave him, this sweater vest.

So today, I am much closer to my parents than I ever have been, except maybe when I was a small child.  I am finally honest and open with them about everything and that allows for a much better relationship with no tension.  I have quit all the drugs and mess and am at last able to be an authentic person, to be who I really am.  I know Daddy is proud of me for having the strength to survive and the courage to be myself and I am proud of him for accepting me.


My Father's Day gifts to him were a couple of sweater vests, some candy and a card.  I also gave him some of my nicer old clothes that I have not gotten rid of yet, like a couple of sport coats and suits.  I thought they would be worth something so I was going to take them to a consignment store instead of The Salvation Army, but he has lost weight and I don't need them anymore so I was very glad he could use them.  My Dad enjoyed all the gifts he got this year and we both enjoyed the gift of this day together, but I am the one that is really receiving the gift this year.  That gift is not only the love I have always gotten from him, but now also unconditional acceptance and total support.  Priceless!

Father and daughter: happy and finally proud of me.