Monday, December 1, 2014

Blowback

A friend told me awhile back that after "the surgery" some people would react to me differently, perhaps drift away from my life.  That didn't make sense to me.  I was already "out" and had transitioned a good while ago.  Everyone who mattered already knew about me so why would having GRS affect any relationships any further?  Nothing changed that anyone could see or in a way that would affect them.

It's been over two months now and I haven't seen Joan since I got back from Montreal.  We talk, but not nearly as often as we did before I left for surgery.  We keep making little plans to get together to walk the dogs but somehow those plans keep falling through.  Could our relationship be suffering blowback (unintended consequences) from my GRS?

The dogs are the ones suffering, I guess, not seeing someone who helped raised them and was so important in their lives.  Being apart from Joan hasn't really bothered me so much.  I've stopped reaching out to her by calling so often and I don't miss her calls the way I might have in the past.

What did she expect, that we would somehow get back together as husband and wife?  Unless she is delusional, she knew better.  I really do not think that is what she expected.  Perhaps she is just afraid to see me now, I don't know.  It's weird.

Tomorrow is the day that we have scheduled to meet halfway between our homes and take the dogs for a walk in the park.  Usually we have lunch and maybe do a bit of shopping if it's not too hot to leave the dogs in the car.

Tomorrow is when we planned to get together.  Always tomorrow, until today becomes tomorrow.  Then it's tomorrow all over again.  Tonight I wait for her to call but I don't think I will call her.  This scenario has played itself out quite a few times in the last few weeks.  I am surprised by how much it really doesn't matter to me.

I'm also a little surprised and disappointed that she didn't come to see me when I first got home and was at Mama's recovering.  We were sorta surprised when she didn't visit Mama on her birthday last month.  Now she tells Mama that she is going to come by for dinner on Christmas day, as the rest of her family will be out of town and Mama and I will be home alone.  Seriously?  We will just have to see....

*****

There's one more friend I hear much less from and have not seen since returning from Canada.  My old high school Buddy and pensive supporter doesn't talk to me as much now.  Is this too because of blowback or just life's circumstances.  I don't know and I think it matters.  I don't feel like I've lost anyone from this act of transition that I hadn't already lost, and a little distance from some people doesn't bother me.  Again, when it comes to Joan it is surprising that I feel this way.

*****

The closest call I've had to actually seeing Joan in the last two and a half months was when her sister and brother in law (the people she lives with) went out of town for a weekend.  Mitchell was due to come home the following day and in fact that was his birthday.  I'd told her about this a week or more in advance but the night before she called me several times wanting me to come see her and bring the dogs. 

The next morning she called and asked me again to come by and I again told her I couldn't.  She went on and on, about everything, and I had a hard time getting her off the phone.  That call was unusual because most of our recent conversations have lasted about 5 minutes, tops.  While talking to her I drove over to Mama's and finally handed her the phone.  Mama ended the conversation after a few minutes, much to my relief.

That week was sort of a dark period for Joan.  I sensed her depression and it sent me into a phase of intensified guilt for leaving her alone and "ruining her life."  Over time I was convinced that she was suffering from a bout of bipolar symptoms and either hadn't been taking her medication or needed an adjustment to her medication. 

Joan's bipolar disorder was something I dealt with for the entire 25 years we were together.  Though she didn't know about it until recent years and it affected me in various ways, when I finally began to deal with my own disorder (GD), she began making plans to get out of Dodge.  When I took the step of transition to make peace with my gender dsyphoria , she followed through with her plans, packed up and left. 

The realization that Joan wouldn't be there for me the way that I had been there for her has eased my guilt to some degree.  Of course in my situation it wasn't just transition that caused her to leave.  Yes, I had found someone else to love.  That's the price of a loveless marriage, or at least one with no intimacy.  It was also my jumping at the chance to fulfill my lifelong desire to love a man as a woman, but it was primarily just because I had finally found true love.

*****

Blowback from my having surgery or not, Joan and I have drifted further apart recently.  Emotionally this has not been tragic for me, but under my underlying sense of numbness about the whole situation, there are feelings.

Not long ago I had a dream in which Joan and I were at some sort of establishment in a downtown area.  The roads had become icy and I was going to give Joan a ride (to her home).  She walked away into the crowd and I followed her all over the place.  The scene was downtown Rocky Mount, the beach, and some other strange crowded place that might have been Disney World. 

I was walking and everywhere I went she was either way in front of me or out of sight, with me just having missed her.  I stayed on her trail but could never quite catch her.  This was one of a few semi disturbing dreams I've had recently after which I wake up in an emotional state.  Outside of the dream world, my emotions regarding Joan have been subdued for the most part.

*****

That numbness held true tonight, when I opened an email from my attorney stating nonchalantly that my divorce was final.  It seems the judge signed the papers last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. 

Out of nowhere, 10 minutes after reading the email, I suffered an intense bout of crying.  Not a typical boo hoo, this was one of the wailing, almost screaming cries that scares the daylights out of Mitchell when they hit me.  Fortunately, they aren't common so he's not subjected to that too often. 

Only the dogs were here to console me tonight, and Nightingale came and sat beside me for awhile until I calmed down.  Then, as suddenly as it had come on, the crying spell and any sad emotions I had about the divorce or anything else left me.  The state of numbness over my divorce and lessened friendship with Joan had returned.

I am left with new normal when it comes to EX (now I can literally caller that).
It's not so bad after all.....



D.I.V.O.R.C.E.