Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Comfort, Confidence, Coincidence

It's nice to get to a point where the comfort level far outweighs the discomfort of adjusting to a new life or dealing with the ongoing transition process.  Since I began transition I've been more comfortable than I ever remember being as a teen or adult in my "old life."  Still, there have been other sources of discomfort such as worrying if I pass or not, dealing with people from my old life, not yet being a complete woman, etc.

If there is a tipping point I'm not sure I can pinpoint where it is or was, and honestly I am still a work in progress and probably not quite there yet.  What is nice is that I've reached a stage where it's easy.  It's very natural and I'm very comfortable in any situation.  Being me always felt natural, from the very beginning, but now it's just a lot easier to be natural with little or no effort, props or even having to think about it.

Being able to simply put on a bra, shorts, tee shirt and flip flops (it is summer) and walk out of the house is sure a lot easier than having to take time to put on makeup or do anything else any other woman don't have to do.  I can just brush my hair, run my hands through it or put it up in a ponytail.  It would be nice to have a better figure, have some minor features corrected, have bigger breasts etc. and some of that may come in time but I'm finding none of that is necessary.  Just being me naturally is all I need to get along in life and be comfortable.

Communication is key and I've reached the point where I can consistently pass on the telephone or a drive through window.  My voice is not yet where I want it and I'm still working on perfecting the voice I feel I should have but not only does it not hold me back, at this point it doesn't hinder my ability to pass.

Some people don't like the term passing, but for my purposes it works here so if you'd rather, just insert your own word...

I do like to "pretty up" when I can and put on makeup, do my hair etc.  Usually I do wear light makeup and try to put a little work into my presentation, but sometimes in life you don't have that chance.  One example is when my dad fell and Mitchell and I had to dress quickly and run out the door.  As upset as I was, when I called 911 they called me ma'am on the telephone.  Then I had to spend an entire day at the hospital with no makeup and no preparation time.  This includes not shaving.  I will have to thank electrolysis for the ability to go a day, or even several days now, without shaving.

With the comfort and ease of being able to get out and be myself comes a new level of confidence.  The statement "confidence is key to passing" is tried and true and comfort and confidence feed on each other.  I'm certainly confident enough that it doesn't hinder my presentation or ability to interact with others, but while I feel I am about there as far as comfort, I'm still gaining more confidence as time goes on.  Sometimes I do wonder what people are thinking of me and although that rarely holds me back, I realize that I still need to work on allowing myself to be more confident.

Arriving at this point of comfort and confidence is no coincidence.  Transition takes time and effort although everyone's experience is different.  Some can walk out from day one and be 100% comfortable and confident while some can take years to reach the level I feel I've achieved at this point.  Unfortunately, some will never make it and I feel they are victims of an inner demon (fear) that tells them they cannot do it.  You have to believe, after all, in yourself and your ability to be yourself if you are going to make something as complex as gender transition work.  Once you start believing, the rest will begin to fall in place....

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