Friday, June 13, 2014

100 Days

My GRS, originally scheduled for June 16th has been delayed for 100 days.  Those of you who read my last post, The Premonition, will understand why, but due to my father's passing last week I decided to postpone it.  The new date is September 24, 2014.  If things had gone according to plan, Mitchell and I would be in Montreal right now and I would be checking into the hospital in 2 days for surgery Monday morning.
When my father was in the hospital, besides dealing with the anguish of seeing him that bed and the uncertainty of his recovery, I also struggled with the decision of whether to go to Montreal this month or not.  Honestly, when he first fell and was admitted to the hospital we assumed he would be home in a few days.  As his stay drug on closer to a week, I felt like I had to make a decision. 

Some were telling me that if I delayed surgery I would face a huge penalty.  Indeed there is a 50% cancellation fee, but I always felt like they would work with me if I needed to reschedule due to a family emergency.  This wasn't about money anyway, it was about being home when my parents needed me.  It was only the day before he died that I decided I couldn't go this month.  Before that it looked as if he would be stable enough for me to go away for a couple of weeks.

Since coming out to my parents in December 2012, my father supported my transition in every way, including having a desire to see me through GRS.  During my first year full time, when his mind was generally clearer, he would sometimes ask me when I would fully become a woman.  That is the way he looked at it.  He did address and treat me as a woman, although occasionally and understandably slipping into using my old name, but he knew there was something else I needed to complete.  

So my decision had been made the day before he passed away.  It had become obvious that no matter what happened I couldn't leave him right now.  Then on Tuesday June 3rd, my world came crashing down when he left it.  These last days have been hard on my mother and me, and Mitchell too because he is a part of the family now.  It's getting a little bit better for us day by day but we need time to heal and time to grieve.

There was just no way I was going to leave Mama alone right now or check into the hospital for this surgery on Father's Day.  Honestly, after this experience I don't even want to see a hospital right now much less enter one.  I am very disappointed that I'm having this delay but I feel that 100 days is the right amount of time to heal emotionally from the loss of my dad, enough to go through with the surgery.

Now that it's just a couple of days away from my original surgery date, I feel a little bad about it.  It's sort of like I am limbo until the beginning of fall, although any sadness about it is tempered by the loss I'm still dealing with.  I do want to thank Suzanne in Dr. Brassard's office for working with me to get the first possible surgery date after the doctor's long summer vacation.

Some things that were almost perfect about the original date were that it was just a few days before the summer solstice and the day I stopped taking hormones for surgery prep was just a little over my two year HRT mark.  Also, had things worked out I would hopefully be over the worst part of recovery by my birthday.  This is one of those "big" birthdays and now I will be "older" when the big event finally happens.

There are silver linings to this 100 day delay.  I will have all summer to get myself into the type of shape I wanted to be in for surgery.  I lost a few pounds over the last couple of months (half of what I wanted to lose) but did not reach my weight or fitness goals.  Everything would have been acceptable, but now I have another chance to truly get in the shape I want.  There is plenty of time.  I am just hoping for plenty of motivation to make it happen.

Now for the BIG NEWS.  I have already announced this surgery delay on Facebook but I have only informed a few friends of this new development......

My mother is going to go to Canada with Mitchell and I this September! 

When I first asked her she was like, No Way, she was not going to go.  By the next day, she'd had time to think about it and said Yes.  Now she is as excited as we are that she will be joining us for this great adventure.  I even took her to apply for her passport this week.

My mother, father and I visited Montreal when I was a young teenager and my main memory of that visit is the people speaking French.  Otherwise it seemed much like many of the other northern cities we visited during the summer vacations of my youth. 

This time will be Much different in a lot of ways.  We will get there a couple of days early so there will be a little time to sight see before I check into the hospital.  You know me by now, I don't want to go to a new place and not take some time to explore, no matter what I am there for.  Mitchell will have someone to talk to during the long hours that we have to be apart and Mama will have another chance to travel and something to look forward to between now and then.

So this big moment of transition is postponed just a little bit.  I am still going to have a great summer.  Actually, I will probably have more fun this summer than I would have because I won't be recovering but I am still so ready to finish this stage of transition and move on that I don't want to think about the delay.  BUT, I still have something to look forward to and it's not that far away. 

100 days.......

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