Tuesday, January 29, 2013

1/29/2013 Update

Hey everyone, I thought I would pop in for a quick update on how things are going. I really don't like to post here when I am down, which has made blogging hard lately because I have been feeling down a whole lot since my spouse left before Christmas.  Those feelings probably are apparent in my last few posts but I have always said that this blog would follow my whole life here in Tammy World, good and the bad.  The good news is that I seem to be coming out of my depression and have had 5 whole days in a row without having crying spells, or "moments" as Mitchell likes to call them.  Today is actually day 6 without a moment and I have slept good the last 5 nights too.  I had been having real trouble with sleep since my separation.  My spouse came by the house yesterday to visit her dog and we walked the dogs together and generally got along well.  I think my memories now are more realistic as far as how life was with her and my mind is accepting that is best for us to live apart and still be friends.  My mind had been going back to memories of times far earlier in our relationship when things were better and there was at least some hope of the two of us being happy.  On my own, I have figured out that some of my sadness was my realization that I would never have the "normal" happy marriage with her that I had always envisioned. 

We have layer upon layer of our own issues and they go beyond me being transsexual, although that alone would have been enough to destroy the marriage.  She has her own issues also that I do hope she comes to understand and deal with so that she can have some degree of happiness in her life going forward.  In transition, they say that you go through a period of mourning your old self passing away.  I never have felt that mourning as I did not like my old self or being that person.  I have been so happy just to find myself and live a life that is more appropriate for me.  In my own analysis though, I have come to believe that part of my recent depression has been a form of this very type of mourning.  I am not mourning or missing anything that I actually had in life but I think I have been mourning the loss of the dream that I would ever have any sense of normalcy and be able to be happy and comfortable with myself as I was born (male).  As hard as I tried, and for so long, it just was not going to happen.  It has always been like fitting the square peg into the round hole.  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and that could be an analogy of my life.  When I finally woke up from the high that I had been on since I was a teenager, I realized how insane my life had been. 

So now I am going to focus on the positives and the things are right in my life.  I have the best dogs in the world, the best parents and the best boyfriend!  I am finally comfortable with myself and so far transition has been fairly easy for me.  I seem to have no problem assimilating and being accepted as female no matter where I go even in this small, sort of backward southern city that I live in.  Being so different and never wanting anyone to know my secret, I have never made many friends or connections here, but my socialite mother has been telling everyone she knows around town about me.  So far all the reactions have been positive, as least from what they tell her to her face.  People here think a lot of my parents and that goodwill has always seemed to carry itself over to me.  I am actually much more different now, living as a full time female, than I ever was before.  The difference is that I feel normal now and am happy with myself.  In the past I was miserable and felt completely abnormal, even though I was able to appear normal to the outside world.

Driving to see my therapist: January 2013


I had a bit of a set back last week.  I started seeing a dermatologist last eyar after my debacle with laser hair removal.  We have been treating some skin problems that were exacerbated by the laser but were mostly caused by years of sun exposure on my sensitive, fair skin.  On a follow up visit to him in November I showed him a small spot next to my right eye.  He took a biopsy and it came back positive for skin cancer.  He said it was not the "bad" kind of skin cancer that can kill you, but it turned out to be Basal Cell Carcinoma, and he wanted me to have a form of surgery with another doctor that would totally remove it.  Last week I had Mohs surgery to remove this place and all the cancer cells under and around it.  Because it was so close to my eye the doctor did a skin graft to close up the site, taking skin from behind my ear.  So for a week I have had a big bandage next to my right eye and this actually led to a lot of bruising and a "black eye." 

My mom went with me for the surgery on Wednesday and Friday we went back to have the bandage changed.  Sleet and freezing rain set in when we left the doctor's office and it took me 3.5 hours to drive the 78 miles home.  We saw many accidents around Raleigh, NC and the beltline there had stop and go traffic.  On the 4 lane road home we saw a lot of cars that had run off the road and the best speed I could make was 20-30mph because of the slick conditions.  Needless to say, I have not been very active in the last week and have stayed home most of the time because of this ugly bandage and bruising.  Tomorrow I go nack to have the bandage taken off and the stitches removed.  They tell me that when it heals it will be barely noticeable but I really dread seeing what it looks like.  I suppose if it does scar I can have it reduced with plastic surgery as I want to have a bit of FFS one day anyway.  One thing I have been happy about, besides having good hair, is my ability to pass as female without having any facial surgery.  I do have scars and so forth from acne and other things, even some from recent electrolysis I think.  Nobody else seems to see the tiny scars from electrolysis, but I can in the right light.  I have told people that I am not trying to be a beauty queen but just be read as female wherever I go.  My boyfriend thinks I am beautiful anyway, so I guess that is all that matters.

Freezing rain on US 64: January 25,2013.  Worse than it looks, the road was very slick.
Jumper, the dog, is doing a little bit better.  I took her to the vet today and she had lost a pound.  That's good because we are trying to reduce the fluid in her, but the doctor thinks we need to reduce it more so we upped one of her medications.  She is taking Furosemide and Spironolactone.  This is odd because my dad takes Furosemide to reduce fluid he has from his heart condition and I take Spironolcatone as part of my HRT.  That drug, Spiro, is primarily a diuretic but it is also used in MTF hormone therapy because it has the added benefit of blocking testosterone production.  I take about 4 times the amount that Jumper does daily and I can readily attest to the diuretic effect.  It seems like I am always having to work to stay hydrated but the drug does a great job for me, keeping my testosterone levels on the low end of female levels.

I feel like I am finally emerging from the cloud that set in over me following my separation.  This separation from my spouse was something that I had anticipated for a long time and actually looked forward to in many ways, so the fact that it affected me so hard emotionally caught me a little off guard.  Having made the initial adjustment of living alone here with the dogs, I feel I am again ready to move forward with my life and transition.  Its time to enjoy myself again and relish in the accomplishments of my journey so far. 

I know some of you are waiting for the next installment of my story continuing the Hello World series and the good news is I have started working on that post. I am also considering doing some posts on my dreams, which can be quite strange and a big departure from my reality based blog.  Big things are on the horizon here in Tammy World and it is time for me to finally live my life the way it is supposed to be.  Stay tuned my friends.....

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