Monday, September 3, 2012

Blue Moon: Labor Day Update

Hello friends, it is Labor Day in the USA and I thought I would post this update about what I have been up to in the month of August.  I will admit that in spite of some very exciting times every week, most days in Tammy World would seem boring to the average person.   Honestly, most days are even boring to me and I am getting anxious to get something new and positive going in my life.  The time is getting close that I will be able to do that but I am still working part time in my business, its just very slow right now.  Some of my August highlights were my birthday, getting elected into the Vanity Club Sorority and of course my weekend dates with my boyfriend Mitchell.  I also had a blood test this month to check my hormone levels, the first one since I started HRT.

I had some great dates with my boyfriend in August and unlike our usual weekend dates the first two of the month were on a Thursday night and then 10 days later on a Sunday night.  Both of those dates were in a suites hotel near the RDU airport in Durham and the rooms were really fabulous.  The first one was the presidential suite and it was a huge room, almost as big as my guest house.  The only problem with that room was it was a little too warm, as if the air conditioner could not keep up with the large space in the August heat.  The second room was a suite also and had a balcony where we took some pictures for my Flickr site.  As always, we do go out to eat a nice meal and usually do a little shopping too but because we don't see each other often enough we tend spend a good deal of time in the room:)  One the second of those dates we ate at a nice Chinese restaurant then went by a car lot in Raleigh for Mitchell to look at some hot cars.  Here is a picture he took of me on an old Army Jeep there and one from the room balcony.

That was my first time loading pictures onto the blog and it seems to work nicely so I will try to liven this site up with some pictures from now on.  Bear with me as this blog is like me, a work in progress:)  Our next date was at a hotel here in my city.  I had reported that we would be a suite in Raleigh that night, but I got him to cancel that room and come somewhere closer to home because my dad was not feeling well and I wanted to be closer to home.  Dad is doing fine now.  For this Labor Day weekend we spent Thursday night at another suite in Raleigh and had a great Japanese meal at Kanki Steakhouse.  After the meal we stopped by Wal Mart for some essentials then went back to the room for some tv time on the couch and romance.  Mitchell went to bed about 1:30 am and I had a strange energy that night and couldn't sleep so I stayed up until almost 4:30 drinking a few beers and listening to music.  The next night here at home right around 11:30 pm I was shutting the lights down to go to bed and looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom with only the lights from outside to see by.  I got close to the mirror and looked at myself and I had a strange sort of out of body experience I really cannot describe.  I felt like I was communicating with something outside myself, or perhaps within myself.  I was not scared but I did say a little prayer to Jesus and the voice in my head told me it was ok to pray to Jesus.  I also was filled with a feeling, not really a voice but a feeling, that everything was going to be ok and that there was something there with me, guiding me.  Days later I found out that there had been a full moon that night and it was a rare Blue Moon, or second full moon of the month.  I don't know the significance of that but I did feel a strange energy for that 24 hour period.

The weekend prior to that full moon, after being with my boyfriend Thursday afternoon through Friday afternoon, I went to a Body Mind Spirit Expo in Raleigh with a girlfriend of mine, Kate.  A lot of that expo was about spiritualism and it was an introduction into that religion/philosophy/lifestyle for me.  I am not really into spiritualism like my friend is but I do have an open mind and like to experience and learn new ideas.  I don't know if any of that was on or in my mind when I had that blue moon experience or not but I tend to be very empathetic and absorb ideas very easily.  Perhaps I was visited by my spirit guide that night, a concept I really just learned about at the Expo.  I had a good time at that event and we went both Saturday and Sunday.  It gave me a chance to experience being in a very different environment and to see and interact with some very interesting and open minded people.

I always go to things like that en femme now and I went to the Expo one day wearing my wig and the next without it.  I didn't notice any difference in how people reacted to me and I felt very comfortable both days.  It was a little odd talking with some of the psychics, as my friend tends to talk to a lot of people and ask a lot of questions.  She even paid for a reading with one spiritual medium.  I felt like some of them were seeing right through me, not just seeing that I am trans but maybe looking deeper into my soul or to past lives or something like that.  As I said I am very empathetic and open to ideas but I am born skeptic too when it comes to actually adapting beliefs so I certainly didn't convert to any new belief system there.   One thing I was interested in finding out was if there was any beliefs or feeling among the people there on any possibly significance to the year 2012.  There was a lot of talk about great change and spiritual upheaval in this year but I did not get anything specific.  The closest I came to any significant ideas was one psychic that Kate had known from a previous Expo.  She asked Kate how was she was doing and she said ok, or something like that.  The psychic explained to us how that was the wrong answer and that you should answer in a positive way as in "I am doing great."  She explained that what you put out you will get back and that the energy of the earth is changing here in 2012 and when I asked how she thought it was changing she replied that the vibration was changing and the law of attraction was coming into play more in this age.  I got the impression that no one knew anything specific on any changes going on in the world but most thought that we are experiencing some sort of change.  I know that I am personally going through a major change but I will have to leave unanswered the question of whether the timing of my personal change has anything to do with some sort of greater world wide change.  I do feel that my transition and change was destined from day 1 of my life but any significance to the year 2012 remains and likely will remain a mystery, curiosity or abstract concept.

So I had my birthday on the 19th of August and I am now 48 years old.  Whooppee.  Never ask a woman her age but I don't mind volunteering mine at this point.  Maybe after next year's birthday I will start repeating the number :)  I have to say I feel a lot younger than my age belies and I think I look younger too.  I don't feel like I am dying anymore so I do feel better and yes younger than I have felt in a very long time.  A couple of months ago my good tg friend Karen from West Virginia asked me if she could nominate me into the Vanity Club sorority.  The club describes itself by stating "We are a special and exclusive sorority whose members are all accomplished & exceptional Transwomen, each and every one being voted in by her fellow sisters."  My member number is VC 573 and that is the last number as I am now the newest member and one of only 2 to be selected this year. Not all are active members so its a fairly small sorority with members from all over.  What I have seen so far is that the women in this club are some of the nicest and most knowledgeable people I have met online and they are all very out in society and love to help each along along.  I hope to make many more friends through this great organization. 

         My photo submission to the Vanity Club taken at home in August 2011

I also went to the doctor on the 16th of August to get my blood levels checked after 3 months of HRT treatment.  I had an appointment the next week with my doctor to discuss the tests but instead he called me on the phone personally after a few days and gave me the results over the phone, saving me a visit.  I have the best doctor!  Luckily all my body system tests were normal and he read me my hormone levels.  I asked him what his interpretation of the levels was and his answer was that they show the meds are working.  I don't have to get another test and see him again until the end of October but I looked up typical male and female hormone levels and did some online research as well as talk to quite a few friends online about their levels on HRT.  I don't include units of measurement here because he just gave me numbers and not units but we will assume standard units.  As a science major I have to include this disclaimer:)  My testosterone levels have already come down into the low end of the female range and are 11.2 with free testosterone at 2.1.  Male levels range from 260 to 1080 and my T level 3 months ago was already down to 242 with free T at 12, probably from the medicine I had been taking on my own and also the herbs I was taking.  I will never know what it was say a year ago before starting anything but even then I had been on low dose of a natural herb, Saw Palmetto, to lower testosterone for a few years literally.  If I had showed up at a doctor 3 months ago as a male with this level they would have put me on testosterone.  If I showed up with my current level they would probably be very concerned :)  A lot of trans women have trouble getting their T levels down, especially early on in HRT treatment so I take it as good news mine seems to be responding well.  My estradiol (estrogen) level was also tested and it is 88.1 and was 11.8 when I started the medication.  The normal female range seems to be 70-600 so I am at the lower end of this range and I am hoping it will come up by the time I am tested again.  I believe most endocrinologists want their ts patients in the 160-300 range. I had only been at my increased dose a couple of weeks when I got this test so hopefully this level takes some time to build up and will increase quite a bit over time.  Some say don't worry about the levels and just go by how well things are changing and if that's the case I would say things are coming along nicely.

September is here now and the time is drawing closer to having to come out to my parents.  I have been out of therapy a couple months also and I will be going back on the 12th.  I had to cancel my last appointment and then she had to cancel that rescheduled appointment, then I waited for them to call and give me another one.  After a couple weeks with no call I called her office and she was going out of the country for a couple of weeks so the 12th was the next appointment I could get.  I am definitely finally ready to address the issue of coming out and I think everything else is going fine mentally.  I am not really crazy I am just different, lol.  A lot of people do not understand why, as an adult, I am making such a big deal out of coming out to them but a lot is at stake for me including where I live (my home that they have an ownership interest in) and part of my livelihood, so I need to do this right.  I cannot hold out too much longer because this week my mom is threatening to cut my hair and even when going out with my dad in a more or less "male mode" I got called Ma'am twice the other day.  It happened again in an androgynous mode when out with my wife yesterday and I don't know if its the hormones or hair or a combination but I am getting this more and more.  I am working on another post about this phenomenon that will be up soon so stay tuned.  August was a great month here in Tammy World and I am excited about September and beyond.  My writer's block seems to be subsiding and I have actually already written my next post.  I wanted to get this update in first so as soon as I edit my rough draft on that post I will have it up.  Thanks for stopping by and as they used to say on the old tv show the Beverly Hillbillies, "y'all come back now ya hear."