Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Doctor, Shopaholism and the Imp

6 AM Tuesday 7/10/2012; another day waking up in Tammy World.  This week's post will follow my complete day (yesterday) from beginning to end.  Yesterday was not a typical day but it wasn't extremely atypical either.  This begs the question, "what is a typical day?" and in Tammy World there are no typical days but some are more interesting than others.

The Doctor:  I have to get up a little earlier than usual to get ready for my doctor's appointment.  Actually it was not truly a doctor appointment because I was just there for a blood test and I will meet with the doctor on another appointment next week.  I thought I would talk about going to the doctor because it is So refreshing to go into a professional office like that and be referred to as Tammy and be treated like a lady the entire time.  My doctor is not a specialist, not an endocrinologist like many girls see for hormones, but a good GP with a small office that treats transgender patients as well as all types of other patients.  I chose to see him instead of the endocrinologist mainly because I needed a good "regular doctor" to serve all my medical needs and the fact that he is experienced in dealing with trans patients and HRT is a real plus.

My appointment is at 9:15 and its a little over an hour drive so I am up at 6 to have time to get a shower and do my makeup plus tend to the pack of dogs here.  I planned to stay in Raleigh all day shopping so I had to plan for long lasting makeup but at least it is not supposed to be 100 degrees today like it was for over a week.  When I was in Cary Sunday I wore a new outfit my boyfriend had gotten me with white capris, a nice top and white sandals.  I thought this would be good to wear to the doctor and I thought it would fit in well with the upscale clientele at the Cary office.  My previous two visits I wore jeans and a tshirt so this is a neat look and I like it.  The top is kind of fluffy and I decided to not wear any breast enhancers just myself in my A cup bra and with that top you can't really tell the size but can tell there is something there.

The waiting room was not crowded but I had to wait almost an hour to get called back because the office is so small with one doctor and 2 waiting rooms.  I got to talk to the receptionist a little bit and even one of the patients as she was checking out.  This type of social interaction is very good for me especially in working on my voice and just being comfortable in everday situations.  Female mannerisms have always come very natural and its really the default for me so that is rarely a problem.  In fact its so refreshing to be able to act like myself and not watch out for myself like I have always had to do as a male so that people won't think there is something different about me.  For awhile I was the only one waiting and I managed to snap a couple of pics with my little camera and self timer.
I don't know what the policy is on pictures there but if anybody had asked I was going to tell them I am taking a couple of pictures for my blog which is the truth.  At one point I was watching the receptionist and tried to picture myself doing her job.  The only time I have ever felt comfortable on any job was when working alone, I usually did work with people but was never comfortable and always hated it.  Maybe after I transition I will enjoy working with people and I really think the possibilities are endless for me.  I know it won't be so easy but the fact that I have a positive attitude about starting a new career and am looking forward to it rather than dreading it is a refreshing change in my life.

The nurse took my blood sample and was very nice and talkative also.  I snapped a couple more quick pictures when she went to make some copies for me of my last tests.
She did explain to me that my tests were having to be sent off with my male name and I told her I understood, no problem.  She was almost apologetic about it but I am not too worried about it because that will be taken care of soon enough when I change my name, hopefully the first of next year.  After leaving the doctor's office I made a short drive to Whole Foods to pick up a supplement I take that I get from there and have a healthy early lunch.  It turns out I did Not have to skip breakfast for the blood test but I didn't know that beforehand. It also turns out this test is not looking at hormone levels but only at basic body systems like kidney and liver function.  I will have to discuss all this with the doctor next week but I feel they are just making sure the meds are reacting well in my system.

Shopaholism:  Is this a word?  I am deriving it from "shopaholic" which a couple of friends on Facebook accused me of as I have been posting "check ins" at all the stores and malls I have been going to lately.  I don't think I am a shopaholic but I have been on a roll of late.  There is a party this weekend that I need a new outfit and possibly shoes for as well as a general update/upgrade of my wardrobe.  Also last week I went to mall twice to shop with friends who were on vacation and cannot usually go with me during the week and was in Cary with my boyfriend Sunday shoe shopping.  So I have been in the Raleigh area shopping 4 out of the last 8 days but I am not a shopoholic. 

I have very few "male" clothes left and I hardly wear them but most of my everyday wardrobe is jeans and now shorts with tshirts or casual tops.  Its comfortable and I think I blend into the environment better with a casual wardrobe.  I hate people looking at me and everyone always notices a well dressed lady.  When you dress up you get noticed more and that increases the chances of getting read or "clocked".  Anyway there was much shopping to do and I had no intention of going home before the evening so I first went to the Cary Town Center mall.  I spent a couple of hours there walking, browsing and walking some more.  All this walking is really good for me and that's why I really love malls better than freestanding stores.  I bought a necklace and a couple of bracelets from a little gift store, a cool summer dress for $15 bucks from another small store and a bracelet and 2 pair of ear rings from Belk's.  Hopefully it is ok to mention store or brand names here and maybe I can get advertising revenue one day by doing so:)

About 1:30 I left the mall and went by Starbuck's to get a Frapicinno and I decided to hit the road for downtown Raleigh.  There is supposed to be a great thrift shop in Cameron Village with a lot of good upscale things but when I got down there it started pouring rain and I rode around and could not find it.  I looked it up on my phone and it did have an address and phone number but the numbers were disconnected so maybe the store is out of business.  All the other stores there looked too expensive and this is an older "walking around" shopping center so with the rain I decided to move on.  I was calling my friend Beverly to see if she wanted to have dinner but she had not called me back.  She lives out near Triangle Town Center mall and so I decided to head there next.  Around the mall there are a lot of stores and first i went to Plato's Closet which is another upscale consignment/thrift store.  I bought 2 dresses for $10 each and a belt for $3.  I went to Ross where I didn't buy anything and on to the mall for dinner (never heard back from my friend who is probably still at the beach), walking, browsing and more walking.  One cool thing about that mall is they have a Saks Fifth Avenue where I love to go and look but Never buy anything.  The dresses I did price yesterday there were over $300 and that was on sale! 

After leaving the mall I went across the street to DSW.  I had just been to the Cary DSW Sunday but thought I would check out the Raleigh store and I did find a nice pair of heels I might wear to the party and bought them.  It was after 7 when I left that store and nice upscale Raleigh and I got on the highway and pointed the van toward Rock Bottom where I live.  I passed one more suburb of Raleigh on the way home, Knighdale, and I decided to stop in and check out the Ross there and maybe Kohl's.  It was almost 7:30 and I had more shopping available and didn't want to go home just yet.  I am not a shopaholic, I just wanted to go to a couple more stores.  The last hour and the last store is sometimes where the deals are found and at Ross I found a Jones New York dress for only $27 and another black dress for $17 that fit me nicely and showed off my now rounder behind:)  I bought both of those and a cute pink bolero sweater. Then got in the van having a feeling of accomplishment and truly glad I went to one more store.  Kohl's is right across the street and they were still open so I decided to stop in at Kohl's.  I am not a shopaholic but I just wanted to shop a little more:) 

I didn't find anything special and finally headed for home about 8:30.  I am always looking to advance and improve myself and in the last couple of weeks the biggest advancement I think is conquering my apprehension about trying on dresses and blouses in the stores.  I don't mind doing this but when  wearing my wig it is a hassle to have to take it off in the dressing room, try on the stuff then get the wig back on and looking right.  I did that so much in the last couple of weeks it is now routine and I am no longer worried about it.  In the last Ross dressing room I realized I had been in makeup for 12 hours and in some rain and a lot of humidity and so I touched up my foundation as well as lips and got my hair back right and headed for the checkout.  The MAC Studio Fix foundation and powder in one in a compact proves perfect for this kind of refresher.

The Imp:  For this segment let's suspend our belief system for a bit shall we, and allow our minds to explore the what ifs and be open to the possibility that the spiritual world can interact with our own.  Wikipedia mentions the following about Imps, taken from old English folklore.

"Imps were often portrayed as lonely little creatures always in search of human attention. They often used jokes and pranks as a means of attracting human friendship, which often backfired when people became tired or annoyed of the imp's endeavors, usually driving it away.
Even if the imp was successful in getting the friendship it sought, it often still played pranks and jokes on its friend, either out of boredom or simply because this was the nature of the imp."

I got home at 9:15 and it was dark and still raining a little bit.  I came home to complete devastation and it looked like there had been a tornado in the yard.  I already knew from talking to Jo Anne on the phone that I had left the batrhroom door open and the little "guest" dog had gotten into the trash can and strewn the contents everywhere.  I was worried about my makeup I may have left out on the vanity.  When I saw a chewed up bottle of my good foundation on the floor I almost lost it.  I have been very tolerant of that dog but this was a last straw of sorts.  She has now lost all inside privilages when I am not here.  I have considered the possibility that she is an Imp sent here to foil and frustrate me at every turn.  If so who sent her and why do they want to confound me like this.  Its like she toys with me, trying to prod me into anger or negative emotions.  She is so sweet and lovable when I am around but when I am gone its like something possessed has come through.  She has already cost us hundreds of dollars in things destroyed and the foundation and primer will have to be replaced asap.  The worst part of that this will necessitate another trip to Crabtree Mall in Raleigh tomorrow to go to Sephora's.  Since I am not a shopaholic going back to the mall will be a real chore:)

Also when I got home I discovered my black dog, Nightingale had done more damage to the back screen door attempting to get out during a thunderstorm.  When I was living in the country about 5 years ago she showed up on my back porch during a night of bad storms and rain.  I did not let her in that night but fed her and she ended up sticking around and to the dismay of my wife became another member of the family.  I have fancied that she was sent to me to give me her female spirit and that she would bring change to my life.  Now that change is finally happening I am wondering if I was right but I also wonder if in giving me her female spirit she is absorbing all of my anxiety and pain that have plagued me for so long.  We have lived here 4 years but only this year did she start freaking out and trying to escape the yard during storms.  There is change for her too and I wonder how she will get better and what kind of fence/door do I need to hold her inside.  Where does she want to go and why does she want to leave?  As I grow stronger she grows weaker and are they related?

One more bizarre thing happened last night and sometimes I really think Tammy World has entered the Twilight Zone.  After having a really good day and coming home to that destruction and mess I realized that I had received a large package in the mail while I was gone and I had to go to the front porch to bring it inside.  My new luggage set was here, an early birthday present from my boyfriend and it arrived just in time for me to use it for my overnight trip to Raleigh Saturday:)!/photo.php?fbid=416618251722110&set=a.373546876029248.204680.100001218163185&type=1&notif_t=like 
I was texting my boyfriend about it and he says he just received a text from me saying I hoped he had a good day, better day than the last and that I had not taken my pill for three nights and had not slept good.  I absolutely did not type or send any such text yesterday.  It did seem like something I would text him but the part about my anxiety pill had to be old, I have not taken one in months.  Also I never went three days without it except when I stopped it, I took it every day as prescribed and it was only when I was first stopping the pill that I experienced any sleep loss.  Plus this would have been something I sent him in the morning not 10:15 at night.  Was this an old text coming out of cyberspace to resend itself???  Its too weird and that is the Only explanation I can think of.

Let's leave the Twilgiht Zone and unsuspend our beliefs and come back to the reality of Tammy World.   This morning I found my electric drill on the grass on the grass having been out in the rain all night.  More destruction from the Imp but the drill does seem to be working.  I had breakfast with my parents then was around the house most of the day where I can be myself and relax, work out etc.  When I was doing my crunches and leg lifts the little Imp came over and we started playing and she has such a vivid personality when I allow myself to get close to her I feel her pull.  She wants me to keep her but all signs point to the fact she must go.  Has she been sent to me also and if so why?  No way, we are back in reality and she has to go.  I have to find her a good home, preferably with kids and somewhere where she can get a lot of attention and be the center of attention.  Right now when I try to pet my other dogs she likes to try to get between us and they are not happy about that.  They are tolerant for now but they recognize that she is an Imp and they want her gone.  I am hoping for a solution soon and thanks for spending a day in Tammy World.  Y'all come back now ya hear? :)