Thursday, June 21, 2012
Welcome To Tammy World
This past winter as I planned out my year's goals I decided to start a blog and had a target date to launch it on June 21, 2012. This is usually the summer solstice but the solsitce was actually yesterday. I did get an early start on the blog and I am glad, I have had some good feedback on it and I am always open to new ideas and feedback for my blog. Anyone wanting to contact me can email me at email@example.com or this gmail address and I have had several people tell me they could not comment or post here because they were not signed up for Blogger. Now I have the comments turned on so i beleive anyone can comment here. So today is June 21st and I am officially launching my blog! My name is Tammy Matthews and welcome to Tammy World 2012!!
So here I am entering the blog world after a long history of writer's block dating back to high school. That in itself can be the subject of another post and rather than give a long introduction and history let me just set the scene for you as things are now and fill in the blanks on myself and anything historical as we go along. After hiding from/escaping the female inside me for the better part of my life, I began to explore my inner self almost 8 years ago. I had always wanted to explore my female side as I saw it, but fear and my conditioning as a child to reject my femininity had held me back and that repression led to self destructive behavior and a very empty, depressed life. Also I knew that once that door inside was opened there would be no turning back and my life would never be the same. I was right about that and except for the first weekend I bought female clothes and threw them away on Monday I have never purged. The next weekend I had an opportunity I bought a small basic wardrobe as well as a wig and makeup and my journey forward has been steady since then. I guess my journey started in preschool playing with my mom's clothes and make up but I will consider it having started that weekend, at least this leg of my journey or gender journey as some call it.
The journey for me since coming out to myself and allowing myself to dress and present female has been painstakingly slow it seems but definitely a steady progression and now I find myself on the wrong side of my mid 40's and in the process of completely changing my life and transitioning from the male I was born into the female I am and need to be. There is no doubt my life would have been much different and I assume much better if I had embraced my true self earlier in life, ideally when I was a teenager, but times were Much different then and that was not to be and I am very happy to finally be on the right track in my life. I was lost and now I am found. Always pretending and never fitting in or feeling comfortable anywhere, now I feel at east with myself and at peace inside although there is still a lot of turmoil outside but that's just the way life is. I feel ready to deal with life now instead of escaping or pushing it away. I no longer have the feeling I am going to die soon (I have felt that way for about 30 years) and now with a clean bill of health I am ready to embrace life and hope to live a long one. Last year when I was agonizing over whether I could transition or not I would look around at old ladies and say "Is this how I want to be?" Maybe I didn't want to be an old lady but when I looked at the old men it was a no brainer. Even men my age I felt the same way about, I just could not stand being a man any longer and that is what pushed me forward. I had Wanted to transition every since I first embraced myself at 40 and fantasized about it all my life but now I Needed to and that made all the difference.
They say that is the difference in those who are transsexual and actually transition and those that do not. If it becomes a matter of need you will do it no matter how hard it is. No sooner than I had set my life up pretty good to have a part time life as a female with my wife knowing and accepting it and having a separate space to dress and store all my things , that was not enough anymore. Since my journey took off I have never been satisfied with where I am and have always kept pushing forward and I do not think I will stop until I have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) and am as female as I can possibly be. Even then the journey goes on, I want to keep growing and improving myself as a person and that is something I have neglected most of my life also. In many ways I am like a teenager or young adult, not just physically in my transition but emotionally and in every other way as well. I need to develop a new career and way to support myself because with the economy going the way it is going to be hard. For now I am just digging in and living frugally waiting until I can live female full time to start anything lasting. My goal for going full time is December 31, 2012 and no later than August 2013. I don't see why it would be that long because the only major hurdle I have no to going full time is coming out to my parents. That is a wild card at this point though and until I am past that it is hard to accurately gauge what the future may hold.
So that is where I am today, the general situation anyway, and I will be giving a lot of details in future posts. Look for weekly posts here at least and even if I don't have much to report or talk about I will give some kind of update or past experience and try to keep it interesting. My hope for the blog is to provide some form of personal therapy and expression and my goal is to share and give back to those that can appreciate it. I know that for the last several years I have enjoyed and learned so much from reading blogs from other transgender girls especially those transitioning and I think that is something a lot of us go through when we are trying to explore the possibilities for our own lives. I was in a lot of emotional pain over whether or not I could pull off a gender transition at my age and with my family I had hid myself from for so long. Plus I did not think I would live long enough to do it and it has been a real process of acceptance to get where I am now. The sleepless nights are gone for now and I am really happy with myself and my direction if not completely happy with where I am in life now. At least now I am on the right track as I see it. The hormones are making me feel much better mentally, emotionally and even physically and I do want to do a hormone update so look for that very soon in my next post.
That is my introduction and now back to my life in Tammy World. Nothing really big is going on at the moment, just lots of little things. One of them is finding a home for a little stray dog that has taken up with us. This is the sweetest dog I have ever seen (other than my current three) and I cannot believe how quickly she has adapted to being here. When I finally let her inside after hearing her outside crying for 2 nights, she just came in and plopped right down on the dog pads like she owned the place. She would be a great companion and if anyone anywhere close to Raleigh, NC has a good home or knows of one that needs a great dog please let me know. My older wife has a grown daughter that had left home before we got together and I have never had children so the dogs are like my children. Four would really be too many though and with all the changes going on in my life it is best not to bring in another expense and responsibility. Please help me out here, lol. Let me go make some more calls, I will give her to any good home or a good shelter that will guarantee they will not put her to sleep. Lots to do in Tammy World, y'all have a good one!