Rejuvenation

This past week has been a time of rejuvenation for me.  I had not spent the night outside my small city since last fall and that was my fateful trip to Danville, Virginia on December 16, 2012.  As you may recall, when I arrived home the next evening I found out that my spouse had left home for good.  The next 5 days were a whirlwind of activity in which I conquered Mt. Everest (came out to my parents), received my new middle name from my mom and began my Real Life Experience living full time as Tammy Ann Matthews.  Since that week I have certainly been more content with myself than ever because I no longer had to hide anything from anyone or live a double life, but I have been in sort of an emotional rut much of the time and needed a change of scenery, if only for a brief time.

Last Saturday my boyfriend and I spent the night in Raleigh in a very nice hotel suite.  Sleeping in another bed and waking up in another city on Sunday morning (in my boyfriend's arms) provided a kick start to a week that has been a rejuvenation for my emotions and psyche.  After a romantic night and morning in the hotel, I took him to the airport to return a car he had rented the previous week.  Then we enjoyed a nice, late lunch at O'Charley's before I took him to his hometown to pick his car up from the shop.  On the way home I went out of my way to find a new shopping center in the Raleigh area that had a Dress Barn and TJ Maxx.  Being out of town, romance and shopping set the tone for what would be a busy but rewarding week.


Monday I took my dad to his regular doctor's appointment in town and I dressed nice because Mom and I went to the mall afterwards to shop for my estranged spouse's birthday presents.  It was the first time I had been to the mall as myself with her and we had a nice time on this short shopping trip, even though we weren't really looking for anything for ourselves.  We were treated like the ladies we are everywhere we went, I got compliments on my top and a man held the door open for us when we picked up dinner after leaving the mall.  I have become very used to this treatment but it is still exhilarating to receive it when out with my mom.  Besides, getting called ma'am never gets old, but it is reassuring in a new way when it happens in front of and with my mother.



Early
I arise this morning very early,
Healing from physical and emotional scars, I venture forth,
Lifted by a subtle, emotional energy that will carry me through the day.

Tuesday I took Mom to her doctor's appointment at 9 am.  This was a pre op visit with her eye doctor before her cataract surgery Thursday.  This was a pretty quick trip, then I came home and left for Raleigh to meet up with Donna Simms for our trip to Greensboro for our Transgender Communication class.  Donna wanted to pick up a light sweater on the way so we stopped in at Burlington Coat Factory for a little shopping and she found just what she needed.  We had a joint session with the first semester class this week even though only one (of two) students from the beginning group showed up.  After class we went to dinner at a quaint brew pub with Angela Stewart, the other student and a Facebook friend I had met at last year's Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I had a home brewed beer and an excellent Ahi Tuna sandwich.  After dinner we walked down the block to a coffee shop and sat outside on a pleasant spring evening drinking coffee and chatting.  It was 9:00 pm when we left Greensboro and close to midnight when I got home.

Dining out in downtown Greensboro with Donna (left) and Angela (center) who are both in the transgender communication program at UNCG.  We are at Natty Green's which is cool brew pub downtown and I even had a beer they make right there as well as an awesome Ahi tuna sandwich.

Wednesday I took my dad to Raleigh for his biannual appointment with his cardiologist.  This doctor knew me by name and he is very thorough and personal, perhaps my dad's best doctor.  The previous week I had taken Dad to see another doctor at the VA and did not introduce myself or mention anything about myself to that doctor.  He had remarked that he thought someone else had brought dad in last year, but if he suspected that was different version of me he did not let on.  This day at the cardiologist, after the doctor walked in the room and shook my dad's hand, he turned to me.  I told him that I was going by Tammy now, that I was transgender and going through transition.  He looked me over briefly, smiled and remarked that it must be a big change.  I agreed with him then we got down to business, going over my dad's medication and how he has been doing.  I was a little more talkative than usual and actually smiled quite a bit during the visit.  The unease that I had always felt with myself has evaporated and I was comfortable being in that room and dealing with the doctor.  Even though my dad's memory continues to deteriorate, physically he is doing ok for his age and condition, so he got a good report from the heart doctor.  As he was walking out the doctor asked me one more time what my name was and remarked he was not good with names.  Actually he is good with names once he gets them straight and he called me Tammy a couple more times, when he came back in the room and in the hallway as we were walking out.  I am sure he will remember to refer to me as Tammy from now on.

Thursday morning the alarm went off at the ungodly hour of 3:40 am.  We had to be at the Day Hospital at 5:45 for Mom's cataract surgery and I wanted time to shower and do my make up and hair.  The cataract procedure went well and were out of there in about three and a half hours.  Funny thing is, I had seen this doctor  myself a couple years ago but I did look different then.  I don't really think that anyone else in the hospital that morning had clocked me but I did get the feeling that this doctor knew something.  He was very professional and not a big talker, although some of the nurses were.  When we left the hospital we went over to the small, locally owned pharmacy to pick up a couple of prescriptions.  Mom wanted to get me a necklace from the gift shop there to go with the orange ear rings and bracelet she had recently purchased in that store for me.  I picked out a necklace and she also got me a really cool, fashionable blue purse. 

I can't tell you how good it is to be out shopping with my mom.  Not only does she have a credit card, she has great taste and sense of fashion.  Oh how I wish I had been raised as her daughter, I learn so much from her!  I do think we are making up for lost time now though and I savor every minute that I am with her.  I also appreciate time with my dad more now, even though his faculties are not what they once were.  Feeling like a genuine person and not feeling like a fraud, uncomfortable in my own skin and always hiding something, makes being with him so much better than it ever was.  It is like that with everyone I encounter now, so I think I am slowly getting to find out how the average person feels when relating to others.  There was always at least a subtle unease in the air when I was around people, even family and friends, and this seems to be clearing up.

There was a group of ladies in the little shop; they came in as we were paying for everything.  We stood there for awhile because the clerk had to wrap the present for my spouse.  Mom had on sunglasses from the eye surgery and was not as talkative to strangers as she usually is, but she has always been so comfortable around people.  I have always admired her enthusiasm and ability to engage anyone she encounters.  I am the quiet observer but I did make a point of talking to the clerk and speaking to the ladies.  Women tend to engage in conversation with each other so easily and I am learning how to blend in in that way.  It's one of the few things that does not come as naturally to me, but as I do it more and more it does feel as if its becoming natural.  I posted the following little story on Facebook about that day and that group of three ladies...:)

I was in the gift shop of a small, locally owned pharmacy with my mom one day this week. There were some ladies in there who are a little older than me, gabbing and looking around. One had on a tshirt that said:

"I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun."

She made a point of showing it to the clerk and I got a kick out of it. Mom didn't notice but I told her about it when we got in the car, although I don't think she got it as much as I did. Thank goodness I have plenty of estrogen and I keep it a drawer, right next to my gun...:)

Friday was a more relaxing day and I didn't have any appointments or have to go out of town.  I did find out there was a problem with some money orders I had sent to a friend as prepayment for an upcoming electrolysis session.  I had to make three phone calls to address that problem and was called ma'am on the phone by all three people I talked to.  Being recognized as female on the telephone is something I have gotten better at lately.  I then had to go back to the store where I bought the money orders and sign some papers to stop payment on them and get a reimbursement check sent to me.  I realized that I had to sign my legal name on those papers in order for me to cash the checks and I almost did not do it.  Dealing with still having my male name on my identification is sort of the final frontier for me and this incident (and every time I go to the bank) reinforces the fact that I need to go ahead and change it.  The only issue that is standing in my way of changing my name is something I will discuss in the next paragraph.  The clerk did not say anything but she did give me a little look, then everything was taken care of.  The problem originated from me sending the money orders to the wrong address and that was completely my fault.

Saturday I drove to the halfway point to meet my estranged spouse, have lunch and celebrate her birthday, which occurred on Wednesday.  I brought the dogs and we walked them at the park there in the little shopping center and then had lunch at Pizza Hut.  She was in a really good mood, maybe because she got cards and birthday presents, and we had a great lunch and visit.  As usual, we went shopping at the Rose's store there before walking the dogs again and heading to the gas station for me to fill her truck up.  At the store I mentioned to her that I was going ahead and filing the papers for my name change and we had a little discussion about that issue.

Now she tells me she doesn't like the name Tammy and asked me if I could come up with another name.  ???  This is sort of ridiculous to me because when I came out to her 2.5 years ago I asked her repeatedly to let me know if she didn't like the name Tammy and I would consider changing it.  I didn't know at the time when or if I could make that my permanent name, but it was important to me and I wanted her input.  When I told her, I was somewhat established with the name Tammy but now I am very established with my name (except for the legal change) and my mother has even given me a middle name to go with it.  So now she asks me if I can come up with another name.  I certainly didn't want to argue with her that day because we were getting along so good and I am happy that she has Finally gotten to the point of taking me seriously enough to consider that I will be changing my name for real.  I asked her if she thought she could call me Ann or Tam or something but I really did not get an answer.

I knew in the beginning that she might have some problem with the name Tammy because of an old friend with that name that she had a falling out with, but I have given her ample opportunities to give her input on it.  Something else she said disturbed me as much as her dislike of the name Tammy.  She said she did want me to change my name legally until we are legally divorced. She asked me if I could wait on it.  When I asked her if she had a problem with me going through with the name change she said yes.  Well, honestly, I have let her control me far too much for far too long and I just do not think she is now in a position to call the shots on what I do in my life anymore.  Every time she gets a bill, who does she come for to pay it, yet she wants to still control me from afar?  I have to recognize the fault in my own personality that seems to Need her approval and acceptance and just get on with my life.  This was the only potentially negative thing that happened to me all week, after escaping disaster with the address foul up on the money orders, and I will not let it detract from the rejuvenation I feel inside me right now. 

North Carolina is one of the toughest states that I am aware of to get your name changed.  You have to get fingerprinted at the police station, submit federal and state background checks, then sign more papers and pay a fee to get a court date in Superior Court.  You have to show up in court with two character witnesses who are not related and live in the same county and then go before the judge.  When you make it to the judge with the witnesses it is pretty much a done deal, from what I understand.  My plan is to get fingerprinted in the next week or so, submit the FBI and SBI background checks, and in the month or more it takes to get them back continue to talk to her and try to get her to come around.  If she does not, then she will just have to accept my new name anyway. 

As rejuvenating as this past week has been, the upcoming week should prove to be even better.  Monday I will spend some time around my house doing some cleaning, then go visit with my parents for dinner.  Tuesday I will be going to my weekly class with Donna, and we only have 2 classes remaining, and then coming home and packing for my next trip that begins on Wednesday.  

I have mentioned my friend from Oklahoma, Pam, in this blog before and I will be driving to the beach to meet her on Wednesday.  She works for the government and her job brings her here to make presentations at a conference on Tuesday and Wednesday.  So she will keep the room until Friday and I am going down to stay 2 nights at the beach with her, then bring her back to my house Friday night and take her to the airport in Raleigh on Saturday to fly back home.  Mitchell will be coming over Saturday night, so that should top off a great week.  Some more time out of town, meeting a good friend from online that I have never met in person and getting to the coast for the first time in a year and half.  Yes!  The rejuvenation will continue.



Today, Monday April 15,2013, I begin my 12th month of HRT....another reason for rejuvenation!

Flying

Living in Dreams: Flying


Many of us report having dreams in which we are flying.  I had such a dream the other night and this is how it went.....

As soon as I went to sleep I began to dream.  I dreamed that I was at some sort of building with one or more other (unidentified) people.  I had to climb a few stairs, but less than a full story, to get to the door of the building.  It looked like a loading dock and there were two arrows on some sort of sign or something like a weather vane, although it also appeared that the sign was in a fixed or permanent position so that the arrows were possibly not mobile.  The door to the building was closed so I turned to my left and proceeded down what seemed to be several layers of stairs, separated by landings.  Initially the stairs did not seem to go down that far, and I could see to the bottom, but as I ventured down the flights of stairs they seemed to go on and on.  I was outside and the sun was shining.

The dream became somewhat lucid at this point and I made the decision to run down the stairs.  I ran and ran and then I began to lift off the ground.  I must have liked this feeling because I decided to lift up into the air at this point and I basically started to fly upward while still moving in the general direction I was originally heading.  The stairs were not there anymore and the scenery changed.  I seemed to veer off my original path and was flying freely.  Beneath me was something that could have been an amusement park or possibly an industrial area, I am not sure.  There were no other people in my sight and the sun was still shining. 

Aware that I was dreaming and seemingly being in control of the dream I made a conscious effort to say a prayer to Jesus.  I may have prayed for me to be able to see more, have more understanding of my dream or for the dream to continue, I cannot recall.  I do remember a feeling that something was going on or that I was viewing or about to view something that interested me and I wanted to see more or know more about it.  So I made the prayer to Jesus.

I will interject at this point to clarify my personal belief system and say that I hold a somewhat untraditional view of Jesus.  While I do believe in the Jesus of the bible, I believe in a deeper interpretation than what is presented there.  What I mean is that I am a firm believer in a higher power and I have faith that this power is the guiding force in the world as well as a directional power in my own life.  I do not necessarily subscribe to any specific biblical views although I do value the Old Testament as a great historical work and the New Testament to be a valuable teaching instrument of the words of Jesus.  I do not believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible and my concept of Jesus is much bigger than even that which is described in the Bible.  If anything, I believe in an ancient and magnificent power from which All the worlds great religions derive.  It is a power that no one can understand but I feel it is the driving force behind all life and the human psyche. I refer to this power as Jesus.

The feeling of flight I experienced was amazing.  I know others have experienced flight in dreams and if you have, you know the feeling I am referring to.  The freedom of movement, the weightlessness, the exhilaration; all felt very real to me.  I also had the feeling, as I was looking down on the machinery or what appeared to be immobile carnival rides on an uninhabited landscape, that something was about to happen or that I was about to see some activity.  That is when I made the prayer to Jesus and then things went dark.  I still had the feeling of flying but I could not see anything.  I was floating/flying through darkness for a moment.

I woke up after this short but eventful dream and there was light inside my mask as if there was bright light on in the room.  I wear a sleeping mask at night and it blocks out what little light there is in the room at night.  When I awakened (either fully or partially) there was a light inside my mask and over the next few moments it began to fade.  When it became dark again I knew I was fully awake.  Because the dream was lucid, I am not sure at what point I actually woke up.  I have quite a few dreams where I see flashes of light or a solid light inside my mask when first waking up that then fade to darkness.  Invariably, these are dreams in which I feel I have experienced some sort of spiritual phenomenon or connection and they usually occur right after I first go to sleep with me waking up very soon after falling asleep.

A few weeks back I had another dream in which I saw a late, great aunt of mine that I had not thought of in a long time.  This was a short dream I also experienced right after going to bed and initially going to sleep.  Although I cannot remember all the details, I do remember feeling joy over seeing her and also had the sensation of flight for just a moment as though I was flying with her.  It was something similar to her taking my hand and moving through a meadow, floating at first, then flying.  The next moment I woke up and there were flashing lights inside my mask that faded after a few seconds.  I had a peaceful feeling upon waking up and my mind was filled with happy memories of my late aunt.

I also had a dream not long ago about my old friend that passed away last year and that dream ended with my waking up to flashing lights inside my mask.  The lights in my mask are a recurring phenomenon of late, although it does not happen often.  I have experienced dreams of flight before but I cannot recall how they went.  I have no idea what they mean, if anything, but my dreams are often very interesting and sometimes I feel they connect me more to the spiritual world. 

Progress ?

You can't stop progress.  This post was to be written a couple weeks ago, immediately following my Exile post, as a more positive note to follow a mostly negative one.  As I have stated, this blog is about my transition and life and I do let it all out here; good, bad and ugly.  Well, my transition seems to be going very good whereas my life at the moment is having its ups and downs.  This is a time of great change for me and the upheaval of these times is a marked contrast to the static blah that was my life for so, so many years.  Change does not come easy, but still, there is progress.

4/4/2013: Progress in motion...

The progress I originally wanted to write about was that my spouse had gone to visit my parents for the first time since she left us in mid December.  It wasn't a long visit but apparently it was a productive one.  I don't think I was the main topic of conversation (at least I hope not), but my Mom reported that on several occasions my spouse referred to me as Tammy.  She seemed, to them, to be fairly accepting of my transition (for once) and overall the visit went well from all reports.  The main topic of the visit was Jumper, who was sort of on her last leg at that point.  With all I was going through taking care of that dog in her last days/weeks and some degree of depression surrounding that, I delayed writing this post on progress until now. 

Another great point of progress that same week was the monumental event of my spouse calling me by my name, Tammy, while we were grocery shopping one afternoon.  This was a first and of course it made my day.   I had met her at the halfway point again so that she could see Jumper and we stopped in Food Lion so that I could buy us both a few groceries.  She told me when we left the store that it was hard for her to change after so many years of calling me another name and I understood that.  At least she was making an effort even though progress comes slowly at times.

Two days before Jumper passed away, my spouse came to visit her for the last time.  Her sister from Colorado was in Raleigh visiting the rest of the family along with her husband, the ex minister.  This man is the only person in my spouse's family who I am sure does not like or accept me right now.  I have never been able to find out just how her sister feels about me but I assume her views are at least somewhat in line with those of her husband.  When she walked into my house, following my spouse, she had a scowl on her face and I greeted her by name as she looked at me.  She mumbled "hi" and looked down, really not looking at or making eye contact with me during most of the visit.  I was dressed in just a sweater, jeans and tennis shoes with no makeup but I had fixed my hair kind of nice.  I was dressed just like these two sisters and they were not wearing makeup either, so I was hoping to fit in.  Maybe she was expecting me to have the stereo type look of high heels, short skirt and lots of makeup or maybe she thought I would be a monster but I hope what she saw was just a normal person. 

We all sat down around Jumper and at one point I carried her outside.  As the visit wore on she began to look at me more and for the last few minutes I gave my spouse a little time alone to say goodbye to her dog.  I stood there in the foyer talking with my sister in law for a bit and it was a normal conversation; we were speaking to each other and making eye contact.  She talked mostly of her husband giving dog memorials in the past and about how my spouse was dealing with the coming loss, but we had a normal conversation.  For someone who who was known not to be accepting of me, I view this as progress.

Now I must mention that it is my understanding that the sister and brother in law in Colorado had a hand in my wife's hiring of an attorney to file for divorce and I believe that they are the primary contacts for this attorney even to this day.  I am not sure that is ethical behavior on the part of the attorney but at this time I don't see fit to intervene in the situation.  Another point of potential progress is that, days after the aforementioned visit, my spouse suggested that perhaps we can settle the divorce without attorneys.  Honestly it is a little late to do that now, as we have both hired lawyers, but I do take this as a positive sign that we can settle the matter rather easily.  I just have to wonder if the sister's visit to my house influence this sudden drawdown of tensions with regard to the divorce and the need for attorneys.  Maybe she saw that I am not so bad after all.  Wherever this ends up, I will take this turn of events as progress.

Progress was also being made within myself in my acceptance of the change at home; getting used to living alone.  I was taking care of all three dogs, and with Jumper becoming increasing feeble, that was taking a lot of energy.  I'm still slowly progressing with wrapping my mind around the idea of living alone and this experience has become something like climbing a mountain, but not nearly on the scale of Mt. Everest.  With Jumper gone, the three of us (Buddy, Nightingale and myself) have settled into a pretty comfortable routine.  I'm still very lonely but at least I get to see my boyfriend most weekends and I go to see my parents almost every day. 


"The greatest enemy of progress is not stagnation, but false progress"     Sydney J. Harris


"Sometimes progress takes a step back and sometimes it was false progress all along."         
Tammy Matthews


A phone conversation with my spouse yesterday revealed that she is not really accepting me at all, or that she has taken a step back in her own progress.  She said that she will only refer to me by my old name as that's what she always known me as, so she isn't going to change.  They say that people in your life transition along with you but this is yet another example of how my spouse has missed that boat.  Maybe I said it best in another post when I stated that "she encouraged me along on my journey, but chose not to join me on it."  So, the  jury is still out on whether or not she is progressing in her acceptance of me or not, only time will tell.  I still believe that she is making progress, albeit slowly, but that progress is manifesting itself in one step forward and sometimes one step back. 

My problem is that for some reason I seem to take a step back along with her with regard to my accepting the separation/divorce.  It really took me about three months to fully accept that divorce is the only logical solution for us but for some reason I feel compelled to see that she fully accepts me as my true self.  She has shown signs of coming around and, as I have stated here, she has shown signs of having made no progress at all.  My moods seem to rise and fall with my perception of how accepting she is at any given moment.  I don't know why that is, but in order for me to progress in my life as I am in my transition, I think I need to break free of that dependence.  She says she wants to be friends and in fact we still do see each other, talk often and maintain a friendship.  But why do I want to be friends with someone who does not even accept me as myself?  I am beginning to become a little bit angry at her for continuing to string me along for money etc., claiming to be my friend and yet not progressing towards the acceptance she has hinted she is working towards.  My feeling at the moment is just to get my lawyer to draw up papers that give her only what she has a legal right to and no more, and pull back on the friendship and any other assistance until such time that she does accept me.  That will be very hard for me to do but maybe that is the progress that I need right now.



Happiness:  In my backyard with flowers from Mitch on Easter weekend
Progress is looking on the bright side and enjoying the positives in my life.
I have to put the negatives aside, as hard as that can be at times.

You can't stop progress



The Doctor: Hormone Report

I went to my doctor at the end of last month, as I reported here, but I have not followed up with posting the test results.  I went to see him on Tuesday, February 26th and I did not hear from him that week , so I called him on Monday.  He actually had tried to call me but he called my home phone and didn't leave a message so I didn't realize it.  This doctor is so cool that he personally calls me with test results and on the Monday I called him and left a message, he called me back within a couple of hours.  There was a mix up with my prescription at the pharmacy a couple of weeks ago and when the pharmacist called the doctor's office, she talked to him personally to straighten it out.  She said that is very unusual, she usually talks to a nurse, but I like the personal attention I get from my doctor.

This doctor is not an endocrinologist, he is a general practitioner, but he does prescribe and monitor my HRT.  There are some GP's that do this, but very few, and mine is a good one.  It works out great for me because I can have one doctor for everything and because he has such a small practice it is not hard to get in to see him for any reason or even talk to him by phone.  My spouse has always referred to him as my "hormone doctor" so I let the title of blog post allude to Dr. Hormone.  That's so cool, isn't it?


My everyday look in February 2013

So, I am on a schedule of going to get checked about every 4 months and I have had my hormone levels tested 4 times now, one baseline before starting and 3 tests since I started HRT.  The next time I go in, at the end of June, I will get a complete annual physical with tests run for everything.  On the 4 month visits he tests me for liver function and a few more basic system tests to make sure the medicine is not harming anything.  The last couple of times he has told me that they don't have to test the estrogen and testosterone levels, and it is more expensive for me to get that done, but I have chosen to do so because I want to know where they are.

I was very happy with my levels this time.  Estradiol was 183.6 pg/ml and testosterone was <10 ng/dl.  The Endocrine Society, regarded as the gold standard for HRT research and protocol, recommends estradiol levels of <200 and testosterone levels <55.  So my estrogen (estadiol) level is within the recommended range but very close to the maximum, and my T (testosterone) level is way below the recommended maximum.  Testosterone levels are like golf scores to trans women, the lower the number the better.  I don't know what my exact T level is because the test only shows that it is less than 10, it doesn't record the exact number when it is that low.  The link for those guidelines is located here. 

According to the National Institutes of Health, NIH, the normal range of testosterone for women is 30 to 95 monograms per deciliter, ng/dL, and 300 to 1,200 ng/dL for men.  eHow.com reports that typically a women aged 20 to 29 will have an average level of 149 pg/ml (pictograms per milliliter). A female aged 30 to 39 will average a level of 210 pg/ml. And those over 40 but not in menopause will have an average level of 152 pg/ml.

The doctor said all the tests look good except once again he said that my sodium level was a little low.  We did not discuss that in detail but he recommended me to again cut my Sprionolactone dose to 150mg/day.  The last time I was tested I had cut it that dosage because I was feeling dehydrated, but one month before this test I bumped it back up to 200 mg.  Apparently I am having some issues with the electrolytes and this is one of the things that is monitored because of this drug.  Spironolcatone, or Spiro, is actually a diuretic blood pressure medicine in pill form that is rarely used for that purpose anymore but is very widely prescribed in transsexual HRT as the primary agent of reducing testosterone. 

I love the effects of these pills because I feel that I had way too much testosterone for way too long, but apparently a little lower dose would be better for my system. I don't think the low sodium is serious at this point because he didn't seem too alarmed about it.  One of the effects of low sodium is decreased energy and I have been feeling a little lethargic, but in the last couple of weeks, with the lower dose I am feeling better.  The last time I was tested, when taking 150 mg/day Spiro, my testosterone was 14 ng/dl, which is still less than half of the low end of female range.  So apparently I am doing fine with the lower dose.  200 mg is the maximum recommended by the Endocrine Society as shown in this chart.   It's just that my feeling is the less testosterone the better.  Many feel that over time, as estrogen becomes the dominant hormone in the system, not as much testosterone blocker, if any, is needed.  I could probably do with an even lower dose but I am going to stick with the 150 mg/day for now.

Doctor visits

I have talked a little about it before, but it has been an interesting and evolutionary experience going to this doctor.  I was recommended by my therapist and had a letter of diagnosis of GID (Gender Identity Disorder), but I still had to go through the doctor's protocols.  My first visit was on May 2, 2012 and all we did that day was have an extensive interview with him asking me a lot of questions about being transgender and going over a long list of possible effects of MTF hormones.  It was sort of like a mini therapy session and I probably told him more than he needed to know but I was ready to get on with this program.  It turns out that because I was not there on a Tuesday or Thursday, when the nurse that takes blood is in the office, I would have to come back for them to take my blood and write the prescriptions.  I did come back on May 15,2012 for a complete physical with all blood work and got my prescriptions to Spironolactone and Vivelle Dot estradiol patches.  This was a good day!

People beginning transition have different approaches as to how they present themselves when going to the doctor. Some will go in wearing a wig (if they can't or haven't grown out their own hair) and full make up, possibly even a skirt and heels etc.  Some will go in full male mode, maybe because they have to go to work like that or maybe that's the only mode they have so far or it's how they are most comfortable.  I would say I started out going to my doctor as an androgynous person and I have to admit this was a little bit uncomfortable but the most natural for me at the moment.  I wanted him to see me and evaluate me just as I was at that point in my life, so I didn't want to crossdress, going in there with a wig, false breasts and a lot of makeup etc.  I had been growing out my hair for about 5 months but it was still fairly short and I dressed casually female with jeans, t shirt and tennis shoes.  I had on just a little make up but no foundation because at the time I thought it looked ridiculous to not look fully female and have on full makeup, although I was experimenting with that look at home.

At home with make up and no wig on May 14,2012..the next day I would drive to my doctor and get my first hormone prescriptions. 

He has a small waiting room so there are not a lot of people sitting around me but I do notice that the only women that ever come in this office (or practically any doctor's office I visit) "dressed up" are pharmaceutical reps.  Most women come in casual but not sloppy.  The staff asked me what name I wanted to be called.  They had me down as Tammy from my therapist's letter but my medical records are in my male name.  Of course I told them I wanted to go by Tammy and that is what they have always called me.  Everyone in that office has always been super nice to me and always addresses me as Tammy, using female pronouns etc.  I have never felt out of place there, even in the beginning when my presentation was androgynous at best.

This particular doctor sees a wide variety of patients.  He is located in an upscale suburb of Raleigh, NC and his clientele reflects that demographic.  A lot of patients in the waiting room are elderly, but I guess that is typical for most doctors as elderly people see their doctors a lot more often, in general.  He only has about 10 transgender patients and I am told a couple of them are FTM, although I have never seen anyone in the office that appeared to be trans.  On this last visit I asked him if he has ever had a patient go all the way through with him, from starting HRT to GRS, and he said there was only one, a MTF, and he has not seen her since she had surgery.  I guess she wanted a fresh start post op, going to someone who did not know her as a pre op. 

After the initial 2 visits in May I went back in July to have my basic system tests done to make sure none of the meds were harming my liver etc.  One this day I did wear my wig and full make up because I wanted to show them my best presentation at the time.  I was a work in progress (still am) but I had learned to make a pretty good and fairly passable female presentation.  The general idea was for my appearance to become more female over time, as I progressed through transition, but this one time I wanted them to see how I could look.   I didn't actually meet with the doctor that day but he did see me and speak to me in the hall.  I went back in a week to go over the test results with him.

Driving to the doctor, in the waiting room and getting my blood taken...July 9, 2012.

When I went in the following week I didn't wear a wig and wore only light make up.  The doctor asked me if I had been wearing a wig the previous week.  I thought it was obvious but I guess even with a small office he does see a lot of patients.  I would have to have had some miraculous hair growth between May and July to have had that wig be my own hair.  He did tell me that my own hair looked more natural and I told him that was what I was working towards.  He did not test for hormone levels in July and I don't think he was going to alter my dosage but I did talk him into doubling the doses for both of my medications.  He was a little skeptical but I was armed with printed information that justified this increase to the recommended doses for transition.  He listened to me and wrote me new prescriptions but wanted me back in a month to test everything. 

July 18,2012...Driving to the doctor's office on the day he increased the dosage on my medications.

He has since told me that I am the his only patient on this higher dose and that this is the highest dose he will give me.  Since my last test confirmed my estrogen levels at the high end of the recommended range and my testosterone levels much lower than the low end of that range, I think everything is good and I am happy.  I did manage to talk him into giving me 2 extra patches a month on this last visit, with the reason being the prescription was based on a 28 day supply and I wanted it to be a 30 day supply like the Spiro pills.  Apparently I am the only person I know that has asked for and received anything like this.  I have learned that we have to ask for what we want and have good reasons for it.  You never get anything unless you ask for it and I have learned that even when dealing with medical professionals you have to be your own best advocate.

On this last visit in February he told me I looked good when he came into the examination room.  He didn't perform an actual exam, he just sat down and talked a little bit then wrote my prescription refills.  He looked at me and remarked that I looked different than I did when I first came to see him and that the medicines appeared to be working.  It had been about 9.5 months since I first walked into that office.  I asked him how I looked different to him now.  He said I was more busty, my hair is longer and thicker and my skin appears softer.  I am a small B cup now and when I first came in I was not wearing a bra and had little budding breasts from herbal hormones and some Spiro I had gotten from my dad.  My hair has been growing out the entire time, except for trim ups, but it also seems thicker since I started estrogen.  My skin is softer, my pores smaller and I don't have to wear as much make up as I used to.  My cheeks have filled out some to make my face look more feminine.  I know there are other changes but these are the ones he pointed out when I asked.  On his way out the door he told me one more time that I was looking good.  I know I still have a long way to go, I am just getting going good with transition really, but I am happy with the results so far and I think my doctor is too.  Of course the greatest effect of the hormones is how I feel inside.  I finally feel normal but a little more emotional and I am finally at peace with myself.  I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world and I am never going back to that hollow shell. 

 I am finally becoming myself...

Before and after..
First visit to the doctor and most recent visit
Top photo is from May 2,2012, bottom is February 26,2013. 

 I think I look like a kid in the first picture and I should be smiling in the new one.  At my age looking young isn't bad and maybe I was tired of wearing that band aid over my skin cancer surgery scar, so I didn't smile.  I am trying to just use concealer on it now but I am still not happy with it.  I Am happy with my life now and very happy with my transition so far. 

Thank you doctor!



3/25/2013...Almost a month after my last doctor's appointment and with concealer instead of a band aid over my scar. Still a little bit of black eye on that side too, but I am happy!

Life gets better and better.

Running Again

She wanted to run again.  I know she did, I could see it in her eyes. The last couple of days she was trying to get up and go to walk, or run out in the field.  She was telling me she was ready and I knew what I had to do.  It was time.

My spouse got Jumper as a puppy when she lived with her mother in an apartment complex.  She was not supposed to have dogs there but she got her anyway.  Jumper was a chow mix and we later surmised she was mixed with Alaskan Eskimo Spitz, because she bore a close resemblance to that breed of dogs.  She was the most beautiful dog in the world and everywhere we went she got compliments and people would ask what kind of dog she was.

When she was a puppy, I played with her in the apartment but she was always known to be skittish.  She would come out and play with me then go back and hide under the bed.  She was friendly and very loving when you got to know her but she was very skeptical and quite shy, especially when she was young.  When she was older, she was the best guard dog anyone could ask for.  She would bark, growl and look mean when she sensed a threat was coming to the house, and she could back it up if necessary.

Because she couldn't stay at the apartment Jumper was shipped of to live with my spouse's niece, then her daughter and finally her sister.  One day, my girlfriend's mother's health became so bad it was decided that she needed to go to a nursing home.  My girlfriend had no where to live and she had never lived alone.  Our families would not be crazy about us living together so we decided to get married.  I had always wanted to marry a woman and have a normal happy life as a husband (and perhaps father) although this always felt totally wrong for me.  I guess it was expected of me.  So we got married, and because she did not want to live down near the coast where I was working, I quit my job and came home.

We lived in the garage apartment at my parent's home until I could find another job and we could get out own place.  Right before we got married, we went to visit Jumper at my spouse to be's sisters home.  She lived outside on a "runner" and I had not seen her since she was a puppy.  She was over a year old and had grown into gorgeous girl dog.  She was also mean as hell to anyone that was not close to her and she barked and growled at me.  I don't think she remembered me and I became a little worried about her becoming my dog, but I loved dogs and I was sure it would work out alright.

When we moved into the garage apartment, Jumper and I began to get along just fine but it became clear she was a one person dog, and that one person was my spouse.  Chows are known to be this way, but she warmed up to me quickly and we had fun playing with a tennis ball and growing to love each other.  She would not let me walk her alone, she wanted to stay at my spouse's side.  She was a good protector for her but I began to worry if she could ever really be "my dog" too.

Jumper at the beach.

Finally, she did let me walk her alone and I would get up before my spouse and walk her around the lake.  We were having fun together and even though she was primarily attached to my spouse, it was clear that she was "my dog" too, and a very good one.  The three of us had a lot of fun together.  We would never have kids, but Jumper was our "child" and one of the few things that we could really bond over.  She loved cold weather and loved the snow.  After 4 months I got a job in my field and it was located about 30 minutes from my parents home.  My first week of work we had a big snow, one foot at our home and 18" up where I worked.  I called the job and was told not to attempt coming in so we took the day and took Jumper around town to a couple of parks, having a great time.  I had not had a dog since I was a kid and I was loving time with this young dog, she was bringing out the kid in me again.

Snow dog Jumper.

Soon, I found an affordable place for us to live that was only 5 minutes from work.  It was a nice single wide trailer situated on acres of open grass ,and right out the back door was a beautiful pond.  We were really in the country here and the nearest neighbor was way down the road.  Usually we kept Jumper on a leash or a runner, but sometimes we would turn her out to run free.  She loved to run in the open fields and she also loved to swim in the pond.  We would canoe around the lake and Jumper would swim alongside us, then get on shore and just take off running.

 

One day she was in the field across the road and she was going wild barking at the ground and digging.  I went over to see what she was doing and she had chased a groundhog into a hole and was trying to dig it out.  I put her on the leash and walked her home but I will bet that groundhog was a little bit more wary after that.  We were at park once in the nearby small town and I let Jumper off the leash to run around.  She saw a deer at the edge of the woods and off she went.  I could not follow her into the dense brush but I could hear her barking, getting farther and farther away.  It was almost dark and we were worried, but finally she came jumping out of the woods looking worn out.  I am not sure where the deer went but it was obvious we had us a hunting dog as well as a guard dog.  Then there was the time Jumper went on a walk with me in the woods after a snow, and we got lost.  That story is related here in a previous post.



Buddy and Jumper in the pond.

My spouse called me at work one day and said that there was another dog hanging around and that he came up when she walking Jumper on the leash.  When I got home I found a playful, but extremely shy, boy dog hanging out under the front deck.  He let me pet him and was very friendly, but he was covered in ticks which were swelled up the size of grapes.  I pulled a couple of them off and then he ran under the deck to hide.  Over the next few days I kept pulling ticks off of him and arguing with my spouse over whether we could keep him or not.  I only got one response to my lost Dog ad in the local newspaper and it was a young girl who wanted this dog for her grandmother.  She wanted him to be an inside dog and to me he seemed like an outside dog.  The truth was I did not want to give him up and I cried and cried at the very idea.  So we ended up keeping the new dog, Buddy, and his name came to mean that he was Jumper's buddy.  I had wanted to get another dog for Jumper quite a while (she was about 5 years old at the time) but my spouse couldn't make up her mind on it.  Even though she put up quite a resistance, Buddy was allowed to stay and he became Jumper's dog (and mine) after that.



Jumper and Buddy had a blast out in the country.  Sometimes they would run free together and we would lose track of them.  Usually they would end up by the highway a couple of fields away but they often ran out into the woods too.  The looks of joy on their faces when they would come in from running is something I will always remember.  I used to sing them a song I made up that started off, "Two dogs, two dogs, one."  They were truly a team and when they would run it was if it was choreographed.  They were like one dog and loved their time together.


Synchronized chewing..Buddy and Jumper chewing their bones in the trailer.


About 5 years after buddy came to live with us another came to hang out on the back deck.  We had surrounded the front deck with a fence for Jumper and Buddy and after awhile this dog actually broke Into the fence, she wanted to live with us so badly.  My spouse fought me on this one again, but soon we had a third dog, Nightingale.  She kept breaking into and out of the front fence so I bought her a 10'x10' dog kennel and placed it out back.  She always lived sort of separate from the other 2 dogs but they got along well.  Right before we moved out of the trailer she had finally integrated in the main fence with Jumper and Buddy and we truly had a three dog family.  Then we moved into a house in town with a nice fenced in back yard and they all lived happily together, going on daily walks in the neighborhood and to the lake.



Nightingale and Jumper in the fenced in yard at the trailer.

At the house, my spouse often kept Jumper sort of separate from the other dogs.  She was getting older and did not quite have the energy she once had, or that the other tow had.  She slept inside, either with my spouse in her bedroom or on the back sun room.  "My two dogs" as my spouse referred to them, slept outside or in the little guest house out back.  Even though they were kept apart at night and some other times, the family of three dogs were happy together and we really were a family of 5.  We were a dysfunctional family and two of us were human (for the most part) but we were a family.  The dogs were about the only thing that my spouse and I bonded over anymore, with the exception of her loving to go to the beach, for rides and to go out to eat.  Over time she began to accept Nightingale as one of the family, but also over time, her views leaned more toward dogs not being a true part of the family.  Maybe it was just overwhelming for her.  She often told me that Jumper had "had enough" when I was rubbing her or giving her attention, so most of my focus was on the other two dogs, "my dogs".  After all, she didn't pay them much attention and usually kept Jumper close to her side.

The last couple of years here at the house, it became apparent that my spouse and I would separate at some point.  Jumper was getting older, 13 then 14 then 15.  Last November she celebrated her 16th birthday and I incorporated that into a celebration we had for Thanksgiving and my step daughter's birthday.  Jumper got a birthday card last year for the first time ever.

Jumper in the pond.

Whenever I envisioned my wife and I separating, I always imagined it would be after Jumper had passed away.  In fact, I felt we should stay together, keeping all of the dogs together, until it Jumper's time to go.  I knew that whenever my spouse left she would take her dog.  I am not kidding when I tell you that the fact that she left Jumper here and broke up the family was a part of my dismay at her leaving us when she did.  Jumper had fallen into poor health and, being very old, I new she didn't have much more time with us.  All of last year I tried to arrange a beach trip, partially because I knew it would be Jumper's last trip, but we had already drifted apart to the point my spouse didn't want to go anywhere with me. 



The three dogs, outside the fence behind the trailer.

So on December 16th, 2012, when I returned home and found my spouse had left, I was both saddened and relieved that she had left Jumper behind.  Jumper needed to be with her dogs, but I think she also needed my spouse here in her life.  We had a couple of visits a week but it was not the same.  I could tell that Jumper was heartbroken without her here and it really contributed to my misery over the whole situation.  Now that Jumper has passed on, I feel more closure over my marriage ending than I had been able to feel before.  I miss them both but I am moving on with my life, mentally, and finally ready to divorce and rebuild my own life.

I knew jumper had been in poor health for some time.  My spouse never wanted to take her to the vet for anything but her annual shots.  I don't know why she was resistant, but I had been on her for months to take her in about her weight problem and possible arthritis.  She could no longer climb steps good and had trouble getting in and out of the truck, even though we bought a ramp for her and Buddy with his little legs.  After Christmas, I took Jumper to my vet where I take Night and Buddy.  My souse had always used a different vet and I didn't think he was as good.  My vet discovered that she had a major fluid problem in her abdomen and she had become swollen around her face and jaw as well.  This situation got much worse in the weeks following my spouse leaving us, whether it was related to her loss or not I do not know.  We put Jumper on some diuretic medicine and she started getting a little better.

After my spouse left, I started staying on the futon out here in the little house.  The dogs could sleep right next to me and we stayed close together all of the time, no more separation and no more special treatment for Jumper or any of the dogs.  There are two steps leading into the house and Jumper could not walk up so I picked her up and carried her inside each time she went out.  She could not walk far and I either had to walk the other two separate, or take all three on a slow walk and then walk Night and Buddy on a longer walk later.  We all looked after Jumper and we tried to take her everywhere and make her life as full and fun as possible.

In the last couple of weeks, Jumper began to take a turn for the worse. About 2 weeks ago she stopped eating and I thought she was going to die right away.  She got a second cortisone shot from the vet's, right after he told me it was her time and I anticipated bringing her back on Monday to put her to sleep.  The next day she started devouring food again and had a rally.  My spouse came to see her again last Tuesday and she actually walked her a little ways in the park. Jumper was a little better, but she was still very week and the fluid was building up again.  Tuesday night she became very wobbly and then could not stay on her feet.  Thursday, my spouse came to visit for the final time, we knew it at the time, and I gave her some time alone to say goodbye.  Thursday night I took all the dogs to my parents house and cooked steaks for everyone.  I thought I fed Jumper her last meal but she ate the steak right up and was obviously having a good time, so I brought her back to my parents and cooked more steaks Friday night. 

All three dogs on their pads on Jumper's last full day at home.  She was swollen with fluid and tired.

The last couple of days Jumper was tyring to get up and walk.  I know she wanted to be able to walk again but something told me she wanted to run again.  I pictured her out in the fields in the country running as fast as she could and looking so free and happy.  She looked at me and I could see it in her eyes.  She wanted to run again and she wanted me to take her to the vet.  Saturday I woke up and loaded all the dogs in the car.  We drove to the lake and I left Night and Buddy in the van, carried Jumper down to the water's edge and sat with her.  She sat up and I held her.  She looked around the lake and seemed happy again, at peace.  I held her up on her 4 legs and she tried to move them, wanting to walk again.  She wanted to run again.

We sat down again and she looked around.  I held her and rubbed her while I cried.  A lady walked over and talked to me, she asked me if my dog was sick.  I told her what was going on and she knelt down, put her hand on my shoulder and said a prayer for us.  After she left I picked Jumper up and carried her out to the car.  We had an appointment at 11:30 and I rode around the country a bit, not wanting to get there early.  This song played on the radio and I held Jumper's paw in the back seat as we pulled into the vet's office.  The other dogs waited while I carried her inside.  The nurses sent me right to the back and I placed Jumper on the metal table table in the exam room.  They put a towel under her.  I couldn't see, I was crying so hard.  

I had never had to do this before.  I had three pets in my life before Jumper.  My first dog that I cherished as a child, Spark, had to be put to sleep while I was away at college.  Our first cat, Patty, died from exposure to the cold after going outside for just a little while in winter, she never liked to stay inside for long.  Our next cat and family jewel, Boots, died at home when I was living in the trailer.  I came home to bury her in my parent's backyard.



The vet came into the room and Jumper put her head on my hand.  She always liked to do that, especially when she was younger.  She would come up when I was in my chair and just press her chin down against my hand.  She liked to feel the pressure there, and we always felt so close when she did it.  On Saturday morning as she laid there, her chin was on my hand and I rubbed her head.  The vet placed the needle in her back leg and she went to sleep with me holding her.  I rubbed her a little more and kissed her head before walking out to the car.  While walking out to the car I looked up and I could see her out there in the field, running again.