The First Capital

In my blog post, Philadelphia, I talked about my last trip north to Pennsylvania.  That awesome visit with Sophie Lynne and Linda Lewis, and a day spent in big city, was Part 1 of this early May trip.  Things got a little crazy here at the end of May when my dad went to the hospital, so I'm just getting around to writing about Part 2. 

Even though my mission on this trip was electrolysis, in Part 2 I had another fun day with friends in Lancaster and York, PA.  Of course the second half of this trip was an adventure all its own with some unexpected twists thrown in for good measure.

When I woke up Thursday morning I hadn't shaved my face in 48 hours.  I'd spent Wednesday in Philadelphia and Friday's scheduled electrolysis was the reason I couldn't shave.  I'm so glad to have made such good progress with hair removal that this doesn't hold me back from going out and having fun on these trips.

The plan for Thursday was to drive to Lancaster and meet my friends Jane and Julie for a little shopping, then dinner with Jane and possibly more friends that night in York.  I've met quite a few friends online that live in the Keystone State and when I make these short jaunts up there I try to meet more and more of them.  One day I will get to meet you all!

Leaving King of Prussia and heading on to Lancaster and York.  I remember my first trip north for electrolysis, being terrified to be seen by anyone.  Each treatment things get better and better.

My first stop in Lancaster was the Tanger Outlet Mall.  On the way over I'd gotten my first real look at the Pennsylvania Dutch country since visiting with my parents when I was a child.  Even from the busy highway this is a very scenic and rustic land.  In busy Lancaster County it is sort of like modern life meets traditional Amish culture, as silos and grain fields plowed by horses are often right next to gas stations and strip malls.

  

My infamous Amish man plowing a field picture.  After talking with PA natives, I decided it was ok to post this picture as the man did not pose for it and it doesn't show his face.  I post it with all due respect to a traditional lifestyle and a proud, strong people. 

Jane and Julie Ann were already at the outlets shopping when I arrived around 2 PM.  It was so great meeting both of them for the first time!  We were very comfortable there in our natural habitat and did some productive shopping, then had lunch at Subway where we had a chance to have a good talk.  Both of these girls are fairly early in their transition but I really have to admire them for going out and doing the things they want to do.  They both remind me of myself in many ways, as I was eager to get out into the world as soon as I could.  People just have to realize that today we can do anything we want to and there is No reason for any fear, other than being careful like any woman should.  Of course blending in easily like all three of us do makes it pretty easy.
   

Me, Julie and Jane after a fun afternoon of power shopping

At home in my natural habitat.

Unfortunately, Julie had to leave when we were through shopping but I was glad to tag along with Jane as she showed me a few more sights there in the lovely Lancaster area.  We drove through the Amish countryside, over to quaint Stasburg to see the Railroad Museum of Pennsylvania.  The museum itself had closed by the time we got there but we did walk around and take a few pictures by the trains and outdoor exhibits (see heading photo).  This place is very cool and I hope to go back when we can spend more time and it's open.  Jane is really into old trains and railroad history and I think they are awesome too.  In fact, there is a possibility that I might get to ride a steam train on my upcoming trip to PA, so stay tuned....

At the Pennsylvania Railroad Museum in Strasburg, "after hours"

Down the road from the museum we found the Red Caboose Motel.  This has got to be one of the coolest motels I have ever seen as each of the suites is actually it's own unique caboose.  We drove through and checked it out, but I would love to stay there sometime if I was going to be in the Lancaster area.  It's just a little too far from where I need to stay when I am in the York area, but perhaps I can arrange a trip around staying there sometime. 

Pretty covered bridge in the Strasburg area.

Each caboose is outfitted differently and is its own individual suite.

Pennsylvania countryside, Lancaster County...

Before heading over to York, we stopped in a smaller outlet center in Strasburg for the last shopping fix of the day.  Then Jane took me back to my car at the Tanger Outlets and followed me over to York.  After dropping my stuff off at the hotel we headed downtown for a few drinks and dinner.  Jane is like a party planner.  In fact, in her some of the PA groups she's been designated just that.  It is hard to arrange for people to travel from other parts of the state on a weeknight but if I came up on the weekend she will set something up and we will have a big blast!  This is going to happen before too long and maybe I can even bring Mitchell along with me. This week I'm heading back up there again and I believe Jane has arranged for several friends to get together for us.  I can't wait!!

Downtown York, PA

Holy Hound Taproom

The Holy Hound Taproom serves about different 30 craft beers on tap and is one of several happening night spots in downtown York.  I'm so glad Jane took me down there because I'd only been downtown once, to a restaurant with my friend Suzanne and electrologist James Walker.  All the buildings there are historic but many of them have been nicely restored while keeping that old timely feel.  York is so seeped in history that it has the claim to fame of being the first capital of the United States.  Back in 1777, during the Revolutionary War, the Continental Congress moved the capital from Philadelphia to York for a time to avoid a threat from the British.  Yes, I can thank my tour guide Jane Reynolds for teaching me that bit of classic local history. :)

We ended up having a couple of local craft beers at the Holy Hound and then met up with another local friend, Katherine.  The three of us headed down the street to the White Rose Bar and Grill for a fabulous dinner.  The weather was so nice we ate outside but the coolest part was that we got to cook our own food!  They bring a hot stone to the table and on it we cooked steak, tuna and chicken as well as a few veggies.  Somehow I managed this without injury while Jane only sustained a small burn on her arm.  Hey, it was a small price to pay for grilling your own food on the vibrant, historic streets of downtown York at night.

Jane and I enjoying after dinner drinks

Me, Jane and Katherine at the Holy Hound

Explaining to Jane how I'd switched to wine because I now prefer sweeter drinks.

The fun night had to come to an end so Jane headed back east to her home in the Philly area.  I had a full round of electrolysis scheduled the next day but was really thankful to be able to live it up while not having to worry about not shaving for a couple of days.  The day isn't too far off where I will never have to worry about shaving at all, ever again.  That's why I tell all my friends to get on the hair removal right now, as I should already be at that point.

Here I am with Saran Wrap on my face, holding in the numbing cream used to make electrolysis less painful.

Friday's electrolysis started out with the most important area, my face.  This took a little longer than last time, over 4 hours, because this time we completely took the upper sideburn area off so when hair grows back there it won't be as thick.  This is a typical female pattern.  James, of Executive Clearance, does a great job of working fast and keeping the pain level down.  Of course, as I've said before, one of the main reasons I travel so far to see him is that his technique does not damage my extremely sensitive skin.  The fact that it's painless enough that I have been able to catch a nap while he works on my face is nice too and this is something others who've had electrolysis with someone else find hard to believe.    

Electrolysis needle inserted into the follicle, and the tweezers plucking the killed hair.

Since I travel so far to get my face cleared and it takes less than a full day, I've been trying to clear other areas as well.  This time we cleared almost my entire upper body on Friday, but the underarms are a little tricky because of the angle and type of skin skin so I had to go back to Saturday to finish one of them.  I was driving back Saturday, so I went back to Suzanne's after check out time at the hotel to let James finish up.  This only took an hour or so, but here's where the twist comes in. 

I've been making green smoothies for awhile, mixing fresh fruits and veggies into some delicious, healthy concoctions.  James takes this process one step farther, juicing the produce into an even more concentrated, vitamin filled liquid.  So Saturday afternoon when we got through with my electrolysis, James told me of a slightly used Norwalk juicer that was on sale at a good price.  All we had to do was drive back to the Lancaster area, check it out and if I didn't want it he would buy it.

Buying this juicer was a pretty big investment but I decided to go for it to take control of my health and put me in a better position to build my system up before and after my upcoming GRS, as well as keeping myself healthy going forward.  This juicer was listed on Ebay but they also had a local ad that alerted to us to this deal.

It rained all the way to Lancaster but we found the apartment and saw that the juicer was almost brand new so I decided to buy it.  I got lost on winding two lane Pennsylvania roads on the return trip but we finally made it back to Suzanne's.  I least I got to see some more of the rustic farmland and Amish countryside, even though it was a miserable, dreary day.
  

My Norwalk juicer at home, making fresh veggie and fruit juice.

James demonstrated the new juicer for me and the result was a couple of bottles of the fresh, delicious, green liquid for me to drink on my long drive home to North Carolina.   I finally got home at midnight Saturday after driving almost 1000 miles since leaving Tuesday afternoon.  This had been probably my most fantastic trip yet to the Keystone State.  I'd had two days with good friends touring Philadelphia, York and Lancaster.  I'd made my way closer to my goal of finishing electrolysis and I'd acquired a new tool to help keep myself (and hopefully my loved ones) healthy.  I have a lot to live for now and life is good!!!

When I got home Saturday night, my trip odometer read almost 1000 miles!

Memorial to Daddy

As a memorial to my father, I'm going to share Daddy's obituary, The Hardest thing I've ever had to write.  It took up a half page in the newspaper and Mama later thought of a couple more things that should have been added, such as Daddy sitting on the Board of Directors at Hope Plantation for a time.  I told her it might be best that we left a few things out because we can always tell people that this extensive inventory of a full life doesn't even include all of his accomplishments and accolades.  Even so, people remarked on how many things we did list and many did not know that he had accomplished so much outside of his career as a judge.

We had a great Memorial Day together.  Daddy enjoyed that meal better than anything he'd had in a year, I believe.  Mostly he'd enjoyed the family time with Mama, Mitchell and I.  We all knew this was a special day, even though we were hopefully planning for many more.  It was sort of like old times for him except this was the new family and the new me.  I was so fortunate to have this last year and half with him, after coming out, and extremely blessed to know that when he passed his away I had his acceptance.  I also had his approval of my relationship with Mitchell.  The biggest blessing of all was having a lifetime of love from this great man.  I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life as a memorial to him...

Obituary for Judge Thomas Hill Matthews

       
Thomas Hill Matthews, 86, passed away Tuesday June 3rd. He was born on the Nash side of Rocky Mount at his maternal grandparents' home on Labor Day in 1927, September 5th, to Edd Rubin Matthews and Corinna Parrish Matthews. In 1928 the family moved to Roanoke Rapids where his father owned and operated Matthews Grocery. His only sibling, brother Robert Allison Matthews, was born that year in Roanoke Rapids Hospital but only lived a few days.

The family moved to Washington D.C. and Richmond, VA. during the depression where his father worked in chain grocery stores. It was 1937 when the family moved back to Rocky Mount and Edd managed Matthews Grocery on Main Street. In 1945 Tom graduated from Rocky Mount Senior High where he played football for three years.

He excelled as a lineman and linebacker for the Blackbirds, was team captain, voted Most Valuable Player his senior year, JC's Best Blocker, All State, All Eastern Conference and he had the distinction of playing in the Shrine Bowl. Tom was recruited by many major colleges but chose to attend Duke University, then a football powerhouse, on a full scholarship. He stayed there for three semesters before a knee injury and operation at Duke Hospital ended his football career.

In 1946 he joined the Army Air Corps, first serving in San Antonio, Texas and later Denver, Colorado. Then orders came in to send him to the South Pacific but those orders were changed so that he could play baseball, a sport in which he still excelled, at Langley Field, VA. Another knee injury in 1947 led to his medical discharge from the Air Force at Walter Reed Hospital.

Tom enrolled in UNC Chapel Hill's business school in 1948 and entered law school there in 1949. His last year of business administration counted as his first year of law school and in 1950 Tom earned his Bachelor's degree. That summer he traveled to Europe with three friends and toured the continent on a three month adventure. In 1952 he received his Juris Doctorate (law degree) from UNC and began working for Gulf Oil on the recommendation of his former coach, Eddie Cameron of Duke.

His next job was with DuPont in Wilmington, Delaware where he worked for a year. In 1953 he returned to Washington, DC to study and work in tax law. Tom wanted to be closer to his beloved family in Rocky Mount so in 1954 he took a position in the law office of Franklin Dupree in Raleigh. He finally returned to his hometown in 1955 to become the Assistant Clerk of Nash County Superior Court. In 1956 he opened a law office in Rocky Mount. Later that year, as his career rapidly advanced, Tom Matthews was elected Solicitor (District Attorney) of the Rocky Mount Recorder's Court.

Perhaps his greatest accomplishment came in 1960, when Tom married Willa Joan "Billie Jo" Works. They were married 54 years at the time of his passing. In 1968 Tom was elected District Court Judge for Nash, Edgecombe and Wilson Counties. He was very well known in that role until his retirement in 1980, being reelected many times and earning him the long standing title of Judge Matthews. He had the honor of being president of the NC District Judges Association from 1970-71. In 1980 he also was inducted into the distinguished Order of the Long Leaf Pine by Governor Jim Hunt.

Tom was as active in retirement as he had been in his honorable career. He covered many significant events as a reporter (with his daughter along taking pictures), including the first launch of the Space Shuttle Columbia, the 1980 Democratic Convention in New York and many college football and basketball games. In 1982 he was elected to the NC House of Representatives from the Eighth District.

He was a long standing member of the Kiwanis Club in Rocky Mount and served as editor of their newsletter from 1981-82. In 2000, Tom received a Certificate of Continuous Membership with the American Legion, continuing that membership throughout his life. Seaboard Coast Line Railroad made him an honorary locomotive engineer in 1978. Tom was also honored in 1990 when he was commissioned as a Kentucky Colonel.

He had a mind for business, having been involved over the years in many ventures including swimming pool construction and cosmetic distribution. He was always thinking of potential new ideas for businesses to start with his daughter Tammy, family friend Leroy Phillips and others. At one point earlier in his life, Tom and his family even had a short stint in the barbecue business.

His wife Billie Jo called Tom her perpetual student. He furthered his knowledge by taking such courses as upholstery, electronics, Russian and deep sea diving among many others. At the age of 70, in 1997, he became an ambulance certified Emergency Medical Technician and also served on the board of directors of Stony Creek Medical Squad. In the year 2000 he studied banking and began serving on the board of directors of First Carolina State Bank.

Tom had a lifelong love of playing the guitar but musically he is perhaps best known for his skill as a harmonica player. He often carried a harmonica in his coat pocket and loved to play it on any occasion, especially birthdays. In 2001 he began playing with a string band, entertaining at area retirement homes. Tom loved people and playing with the band gave him more opportunities to put smiles on people's faces.

Tom leaves behind his cherished wife Billie Jo and his beloved daughter, Tammy Ann, who the couple adopted in 1964. They were always a very close knit, loving family and he included Tammy's boyfriend Mitchell Vincent as a close family member. His granddaughter, Elizabeth now lives in Asheville, NC with her husband Dan. Tom really loved his animals and was very close to several family pets over the course of his life. He was preceded in death last year by his grand dog Jumper and survived by Tammy's dogs Buddy and Nightingale.

Tammy and Billie Jo both reside in the West Haven area of Rocky Mount and along with Mitchell, spent much time caring for Tom in recent years, especially the last months when his health began to fade. It was a labor of love and they were joined this year by caregiver Nedrick Dickens, who was also well loved by the Judge and always made his day, giving him a good laugh.

When you live a life as long and full as Judge Tom Matthews did, you see many friends and loved ones pass on. Tom, Billie Jo and Tammy were extremely close to Tom's parents, aunts and uncles and shared countless good times with them before their passings many years ago. For most of his life, everywhere he went in this area it seemed like everyone knew him or at least knew of him. Even those who had faced him in court had affection for him, as he was known as both a fair and great judge. 

Even though many of his friends passed on before him, Tom was still well known and well-loved throughout the area. The family is receiving visitors at his home this week and Wheeler & Woodlief Funeral Home, 1120 N. Winstead Ave., is handling the service. The funeral is on Saturday June 7th at 2 pm and graveside services with a military burial will follow at Pineview Cemetery.

The Matthews’ were members of the First Baptist Church until recently when they changed their membership to Lakeside Baptist Church which was closer to their home and easier to attend with his failing health. Lakeside’s Reverend Jody Wright will conduct the memorial service and former First Baptist Church Minister, Reverend Bill Grisham, will sing “In The Garden”, a song often played on the harmonica by the Judge.

The Matthews' were members of the First Baptist Church until recently when they changed their membership to Lakeside Baptist Church which was closer to their home and easier to attend with his failing health. Lakeside's Reverend Jody Wright will conduct the memorial service and former First Baptist Minister, Reverend Bill Grisham, will sing "In The Garden", a song often played on the harmonica by the Judge. - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/rockymounttelegram/obituary.aspx?n=thomas-hill-matthews&pid=171248897&#sthash.rOIfUZfC.dpuf

The Matthews' were members of the First Baptist Church until recently when they changed their membership to Lakeside Baptist Church which was closer to their home and easier to attend with his failing health. Lakeside's Reverend Jody Wright will conduct the memorial service and former First Baptist Minister, Reverend Bill Grisham, will sing "In The Garden", a song often played on the harmonica by the Judge. - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/rockymounttelegram/obituary.aspx?n=thomas-hill-matthews&pid=171248897&#sthash.rOIfUZfC.dpuf

The Matthews' were members of the First Baptist Church until recently when they changed their membership to Lakeside Baptist Church which was closer to their home and easier to attend with his failing health. Lakeside's Reverend Jody Wright will conduct the memorial service and former First Baptist Minister, Reverend Bill Grisham, will sing "In The Garden", a song often played on the harmonica by the Judge. - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/rockymounttelegram/obituary.aspx?n=thomas-hill-matthews&pid=171248897&#sthash.rOIfUZfC.dpuf

The Matthews' were members of the First Baptist Church until recently when they changed their membership to Lakeside Baptist Church which was closer to their home and easier to attend with his failing health. Lakeside's Reverend Jody Wright will conduct the memorial service and former First Baptist Minister, Reverend Bill Grisham, will sing "In The Garden", a song often played on the harmonica by the Judge. - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/rockymounttelegram/obituary.aspx?n=thomas-hill-matthews&pid=171248897&#sthash.rOIfUZfC.dpuf

The Matthews' were members of the First Baptist Church until recently when they changed their membership to Lakeside Baptist Church which was closer to their home and easier to attend with his failing health. Lakeside's Reverend Jody Wright will conduct the memorial service and former First Baptist Minister, Reverend Bill Grisham, will sing "In The Garden", a song often played on the harmonica by the Judge. - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/rockymounttelegram/obituary.aspx?n=thomas-hill-matthews&pid=171248897&#sthash.rOIfUZfC.dpuf
You may share memories and condolences with the Matthews family by visitingwww.wheelerwoodlief.com.

Published in Rocky Mount Telegram on June 6, 2014

http://www.wheeler-woodlief.com/obituaries/Thomas-Matthews-2/

Identification

This post is a synopsis of the process I went through to legally change my name and gender on government documents.  I've gotten quite a few questions about it, so I thought I would compile everything into one blog entry. 

In 2010, the US State Department began allowing transgender people to change their gender on passports without surgery and in June 2013 the Social Security Administration adapted a similar policy.  These federal policies apply to anyone in the USA but driver's licenses and birth certificates vary from state to state.

The first step you should take is changing your name.  This procedure is different in every state and in North Carolina, where I live, this policy can vary from county to county.  While there me be slight differences between counties, the process should be very similar everywhere.  First, I will share with you how I came up with my name.

*****

When I first got on the internet (~20 years ago) I chose a female name for myself based on my given first name, even though I rarely went by my first name.  Today I consider it an honor to my father, as he was often called Tommy while growing up.  My original middle name was Michelle and I chose that simply because I love that name and as a kid often fancied it as a name for myself.  I used the last name Valentine because I'd met a girl named Tammy Valentine and thought that was a really cool name.

So I started out as Tammy Michelle Valentine but when I began my transition I dropped that last name and began using my given name, Matthews.  I also dropped the middle name as I had the idea that I would ask my mother to give me a middle name when I came out.  I was being hopeful that things would go well.  As it turns out, the day after I came out to her Mama gave me the middle name Ann.  She said that she had prayed on it and came up with this name when she woke up that morning.  I thought that it was perfect!
 
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The first step is to contact the county Clerk of Court's office and ask them to send you a packet detailing what you will need to do to change your name in that county.  I had no idea that this process would take as long as it did or be as difficult as it was, but in November 2013 I finally received the paperwork for my legal name change to Tammy Ann Matthews.  I'd gone full time on the Winter Solstice of 2012 but didn't apply for my name change until the May 2013.

The following is the link to my blog post detailing that process here in Nash County, NC.....


http://tammyworld2012.blogspot.com/2013/12/legal-changes.html

In North Carolina, we have to have both FBI and SBI criminal background checks as part of the name change application.  Webpages for both agencies describe the necessary steps that must be taken in order to receive these background checks and here are the links for the FBI and (for those in North Carolina) the SBI sites..

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/identity-history-summary-checks/submitting-an-identity-history-summary-request-to-the-fbi

http://www.ncdoj.gov/getdoc/d89eb538-15a7-4f65-aa96-8219428e64bd/Background-Checks.aspx

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My next step was to change my name and gender marker with the Social Security Administration (SSA).   It's a good idea to do this before making changes on your driver's license because most states do check your SSA information when you apply for a change.  Also, just about everyone today relies on SSA information as the definitive source for your identity.  For the name change, I had to have an original copy (from the County Clerk's office) of the court order changing my name.  For the gender change you need a letter from your physician.  The details on that letter and how to go about this important step of changing gender marker on SSA records can be found in the following document.....


http://www.transequality.org/Resources/SSAResource_June2013.pdf


*****

The nest step was my driver's license.  I can tell you it was awkward living full time for almost a year and not having a name/gender matching identification card (license).  Before I transitioned I went and updated my picture with longer hair and an androgynous look, so the picture was not that far off from my presentation but having my old name and gender marker was problematic.  The people at my bank adjusted quickly and in most instances where I was asked for my license Is imply told them I didn't have it with me.  That kept me from having an alcoholic drink at a few restaurants but otherwise didn't cramp my style too much.

Some states won't let you change your gender marker without a letter from a surgeon stating that you have gone through gender changing surgery.  For MTFs this would be either GRS or an orchiectomy.  I have many friends in this situation and it can be a little awkward but it shouldn't hold you back from doing anything, even getting a job.  You won't be able to be stealth, however, and anyone closely examining your license will know that you are trans.

It will be easy to change your name on your license, but the ease of changing the gender marker will depend on where you live, among other factors.  Here in North Carolina I still get varying reports on whether or not friends have been able to make this change and as far as I can tell there is no clear policy at the DMV. 

Since the SSA change in 2013 I was under the impression that we could change gender markers as I know several friends who have done so.  One friend had tried repeatedly in the past but when I told her of my success and the probable new policy, she tried again and was successful.  Recently I've heard from another friend who is having trouble with it and DMV employees are telling her she needs a specific letter stating she's had surgery, so I can't say for certain what the North Carolina ruling is.  It used to vary from office to office and with different  personnel as well. 

At the NC DMV you will need the same letter outlined above for the SSA change.  I was advised to have the doctor make one change to that letter, essentially saying that you have completed gender transition.  This advice was given to me by people who successfully changed their gender markers before the 2013 federal policy change and I will say that everyone I know (but one person) that has been to DMV after me has been able to change their gender marker using the same letter they used with the SSA.
 
It should be noted that for all of these agencies, the letter must come from a physician and not a therapist.  Some doctors may have problems with the wording of "completed gender change", but from most reports this is no longer necessary in NC.  My thinking was, why take a chance.  I just made my best presentation, walked into the DMV office confidently and handed them the paperwork, telling them I was there to change my name and gender on my driver's license.  While very similar to the SSA's required letter, here is the form for the letter my doctor wrote me for the DMV..... 


Letter of gender change for NC DMV:

I, (physician’s full name), (physician’s medical license or certificate
number), (issuing U.S. State/Foreign
Country of medical license/certificate), (DEA Registration number or
comparable foreign designation),
am the physician of (name of patient), with whom I have a doctor/patient
relationship and whom I have
treated (or with whom I have a doctor/patient relationship and whose
medical history I have reviewed and
evaluated).

(Name of patient) has completed gender transition to the new gender
(specify
new gender male or female).

I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the United States
that the forgoing is true and correct.

Signature
Typed Name
Date 

Note: it might be a good idea for those living states without a clear policy of gender change before surgery to get their passport first, then go to DMV to change the gender marker on their license. 


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It is also a good idea to get a passport, especially if you are not able to change the gender marker on your driver's license.  You can get a passport card that looks similar to a license and is a good form of photo ID.   In my case, I am traveling to Canada so I needed a passport. 

For the name change, you do need a birth certificate and an official copy of the court order changing your name.  My birth certificate shows me as male but you also have to present a driver's license and the physician's letter, so they will know you are trans anyway.  The following link outlines the specifics of what you need to do to change gender on a passport.....


http://transequality.org/Resources/passports_2012.pdf


When I applied for my passport, I got a response back from the State Department stating that I needed a new physician's letter.  It seems that my doctor left out one of the important elements of the letter, in our case the DEA registration number.  There are 8 bullet points in the example letter provided in the preceding document (found in the link).  So this goes to show that those letters have to be precise and the doctor needs to provide them on paper bearing their official letterhead.  For clarification, here are the 8 bullet points for the passport change, and they differ slightly from the SSA requirements.....


*Physician's full name

*Medical license or certification number

*Issuing state of medical license/certificate

*Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) registration number assigned to the physician

*Address and telephone number of the physician

*Language stating that he/she has treated you or has reviewed and evaluated your medical history and that he/she has a doctor patient relationship with you.

*Language stating that you have had appropriate clinical treatment for the transition to the new gender (the new gender, male or female, must be stated.

*The statement must clearly state the following: "I declare under penalty or perjury under the laws of the United States that the following is true and correct." 


*****

The last official document I will need to change is my birth certificate.  In North Carolina this is only possible with a letter from a surgeon stating that you have undergone irreversible gender changing surgery.  I did try to get mine changed when I changed the name on it (using the letter from my doctor to DMV) but it didn't work.  You never know until you try and it doesn't hurt to try.  Oh well, with my GRS scheduled for September 24th, it won't be long until my birth certificate is changed.

Some states allow gender marker changes on birth certificates without surgery and some will never allow the birth certificate to be changed.  Still others will only issue you an amended certificate that shows the old record.  Since moving won't affect this as you are issued this document at the time and place of your birth, some are stuck with not being able to change their birth certificates. 

Times are changing and states are following the lead of the federal government in relaxing policies on gender changes to official documents.  If you live in an area that restricts your ability to change the gender marker on your driver's license or birth certificate, there is hope that you will be able to do it one day.

*****

I've outlined my experience so far with my name and gender change.  Any other input on current policies where you live or your experiences with this process would be appreciated.  Please post that information here in the comments section, as I am providing this blog as an information source for those going through this process.  I will say that life is much easier when you have the correct name and gender on all of your documents.  As the saying goes, it does get better.....

Memorial Day

My father and I at our Memorial Day family cookout.

Memorial Day 2014 will go down in history as the best holiday I will ever experience.  This was the last holiday we shared with my father and the last good day we ever had with him.  The next morning he suffered an event similar to a stroke, went into the hospital and passed away a week later. 


Daddy's favorite food was hamburger but he also loved a good hot dog.  In the last few months, as his health went downhill, he wasn't able to eat much food in one meal.  He still really enjoyed his hamburgers though and he didn't care if they came from a fast food place, a nice restaurant or were home cooked.  It had, however, been a long time since he'd had hamburgers cooked on the charcoal grill as I hadn't grilled much in the last few years and usually cooked steaks when I did.  Yes, he preferred hamburger over steak.

My grandfather, Ed Matthews, used to run a grocery store and he was also a butcher by trade.  They tell me that back in the old days, when my dad was young, steaks tended to be tough.  As a butcher with his own grocery store I am sure Papa  (my grandfather) always brought home the best meats to his family, even during the depression.  Daddy grew up preferring the more tender hamburger and his whole life it seemed like he would have them at every meal if he could.

This Memorial Day Mitchell and I decided to bring my charcoal grill over to Mama and Daddy's house to cook out hamburgers and hotdogs for the 4 of us.  The weather was nice that day, not too hot, and we set up the grill on their side porch where they also have some chairs in the shade and a round table set up under an umbrella.  Daddy loved sitting out on that porch and eating out there under the umbrella was always a treat for him.

He had been having some bad days memory wise and had been coughing more.  We knew it was related his condition, called congestive heart failure.  When he fell on Christmas Day the doctor took him off the blood thinner that he'd been taking to minimize his chances of having a stroke.  We knew his health wasn't good but Daddy was usually in good spirits and really enjoyed time with his family. 

So we were lucky to have this Memorial Day cookout together, but as we sat in the shade watching Mitchell do all the work (grill the hamburgers and hot dogs) we talked about how nice it would be to make this a regular event.  Today, July 4th, we would surely be out there again grilling some of Daddy's favorite foods.

That day, just for fun, I put on my Kentucky Derby bonnet that Daddy loved seeing me wear.  Mama and I always watch the Derby together and now that I can be myself, we've enjoy wearing colorful hats while watching the race.  I also wore this hat on Easter when we took a few pictures.  On Memorial Day the lavender bonnet seemed to be a perfect match for the top I was wearing.

While the burgers were grilling I asked Mitchell to take a couple of pictures of Daddy and I with my camera phone.  We didn't take the time to get a group shot of everyone, just a couple of snapshots of the two of us.  If we had known what would happen the next morning and that these would be our last photographs ever taken together I am sure we would have gotten more.  But you never know.

When it was time to eat, we all sat at the table under the umbrella and had what I am going to say is the best meal we ever had.  We all ate a lot, probably too much, but I was surprised that Daddy was able to eat an entire hot dog on a bun and almost finish one of the gigantic, juicy hamburgers.  We even had a couple of special Memorial Day cupcakes for dessert.  After the meal, we wrapped the little corner of a burger up for him to eat the next day.

It was after 7 when we got through with dinner and with plenty of light left, we were going to sit on the porch for awhile and talk while the food settled.  Daddy was tired and wanted to go straight to bed.  This was unusually early for him to retire for the night but we attributed it to him having such a big meal.  I went inside and helped him get ready and into bed, then Mitchell and I hung around talking to Mama until dark. 

I'd told Daddy goodnight when he first went to bed and I thought about going back in and speaking to him but I didn't want to wake him up, so I didn't.  Early the next morning we got the call from Mama that Daddy had fallen and Mitchell and I quickly got dressed and rushed over. 

The details of that morning and the following week can be found in the last section of this post, The Premonition. 

I did speak to Daddy again during his week in the hospital.  He slept most of the time and was coherent only part of the time but we said "I love you" many times and he usually recognized me and greeted me by name. 

One of the consequences of this "neurological event", as his doctor described it, was that Daddy never regained the ability to swallow after it occurred.  The entire week between his fall and his death he was never able to eat or drink, only receive fluids intravenously.  The hamburger and hot dog that Mitchell grilled for him on Memorial Day, his favorite foods, had indeed been his last meal.

Memorial Day
Goodbye Daddy...I LOVE YOU!!!

Separation

The ending is just the beginning....


As many of you know, I have been legally separated from my spouse since December, 2012.  In North Carolina we have to be separated for one year before we can divorce.  As the last few months have rolled along I don't think either of us has been in too much of a hurry to finalize the divorce but it has dragged on longer than expected, mainly because of her family's influence.  I think they wanted to overturn every stone to get every dime they could for her (and I don't blame them really), but lately we have both just gotten to the point that we want it over.

This month, after my father's passing, I got news from my lawyer that we were getting close to being ready to finalize the divorce.  My followers know that I've often been very emotional over this separation.  While divorce was something that I wanted a long time before I began transition, the actual separation from someone I had grown very close to over the years has been hard at times.  Concerning that we never had a happy or loving marriage and that I have a very fulfilling relationship now with my boyfriend, these emotions have caught me off guard at times.

There have been quite a few posts here about these strange, often deep emotions but it seems we are not quite done yet.  Last Friday I got the call from my lawyer stating that the (divorce) papers were ready to sign and I needed to call Joan's lawyer to set up an appointment to come in and sign.  That appointment was today at 1 PM.   

Yesterday was kind of a tough day.  Mama and I had to go to the Clerk of Court's office to file for Daddy's estate papers so that we could settle a couple of stocks.  We didn't deal with her on this matter, but I got to meet the actual Clerk of Court (who had been in office for a very long time and knew Daddy very well).  I listened as Mama again recounted the story of his fall, hospitalization and death a week later.  I am just glad the lady that works there keeps a box of Kleenex on her desk!

This Clerk was also the one who handled my name change last year so they obviously know all about me.  There is also a codicil to the will that deals with my name and gender change and it this was duly noted in the estate.  Once again, everyone treated me with respect and just like any other woman, any daughter, in that situation.

So I was a little down last night thinking about my dad's passing and the negative side of my divorce.  I think the strongest bad emotion I feel about the separation/divorce is guilt.  I did make a promise to stay married for better or worse and now we are breaking it.  I won't take all the credit or blame for the marriage's demise but there are times I do get down about it.  Last night was one of those times.

"dark" picture I put up for awhile last night, as my Facebook profile pic..

As I sat here alone last night I drank some wine (the first alcohol I've drunk here alone in quite some time) and made a couple of Facebook posts about feeling guilty about my divorce.  I knew my hand would be ready to sign today, but I just got sick of Facebook for awhile.  I had a lot of people reaching out to comfort me, and I really appreciate that, and my therapist even left a supportive comment on my post.  Still, I just thought it was time to take a break from that site so I deactivated my profile, signed off for the night and went to bed (quite late). 

When you deactivate your profile on Facebook, people just see that you have left and can't see any of the pictures or posts.  The good thing about it is that when you sign back in everything reactivates and it's back to where you left off.  This is the second time I've done this although I think about doing it a lot as a way to take a break from a website I spend too much time on. 

I know it is frustrating to my friends to not see my profile or be able to contact me, plus I feel the lure of Facebook calling me back, so I never stay gone very long.  When I signed back on this morning I was surprised to find that some people thought that I had or was going to commit suicide even though I never alluded to anything close to that in any of my posts, last night or ever.  I actually found the folowing post on one of my newer friends' wall and it had been "shared" with others (whom I don't know) several times over...

"REMA AMBER ALERT . POSSIBLE SUICIDE INTERVENTION NEEDED IN NORTH CAROLINA. WAITING ON LOCATION."

Wow!  The thought of suicide has not even crossed my mind since I started transition and I was never in my life actually close to doing that, even in my darkest, most self destructive days.  I'm actually known for my positive, uplifting and inspirational musings.  The interesting thing is the person who made this post said this series of events is inspiring her to start a new group on Facebook.  This will surely be the subject of a future blog post!

I made a long post about this whole mess in my TBN Support group and one of my friends in California posted this reply...

"This was all my doing Tammy and I take full responsibility, but I only contacted your friend (Lisa) and left two messages saying I was "worried" about you. Others down the line may have put it out differently. But consider the circumstances - a well known web person leaves a string of increasingly inconsolable messages then without warning at 3am her time, exits Facebook and is no longer admin in any of her groups and every message she ever sent goes dark as Facebook page by page erases her content... People have accused me of being a Mother Hen and worrying too much, but you must admit my reaction made at least some sense.

So this is an example of how things get blown out of proportion as they get passed along the line from person to person.  It's sort of a rumor mill effect greatly exacerbated by the fact that I deactivated my account before going to bed (actually at 2 AM).  I did thank all my friends for their concern and stated it was better to err on the side of caution.  None of of my close friends ever thought that I was actually considering something like this.  I was even having a funny, if sort of dark, late night chat with Lisa about my "nervous hand" that was ready to sign.  Or was it?  lol. 

One of my personal friends even left the following in the message thread in my group...

"If y'all knew Tammy Ann Matthews then you would know that she is too strong to ever take that way out. She is THE strongest women I have ever met. And I count myself lucky that I have the opportunity to count her as a friend and a sister...


Well, enough of all that.  I may have been having some bittersweet feelings last night about finishing my 26 year relationship with Joan but I woke up this morning bright eyed, bushy tailed and ready to sign.  After breakfast I walked the dogs, as usual, got dressed and went to visit Mama for awhile.  Then I got in my car and drove to the lawyer's office to sign the papers.  What happened there was not at all what I'd expected.

On a mission...almost to the lawyer's office....

When I got to the office I was called back by the legal assistant, an attractive lady named Karen who looked to be about my age.  I sat down at a desk with her on the other side and she briefed me on what I had to sign and asked for the settlement check, which I'd brought in to be forwarded to Joan.  First I signed the Quick Claim deed, taking Joan's name off the deed to our home, then I signed the other paper called the Separation, Spousal Support and Property Distribution Agreement.

When Karen went out to make a copy I snapped this signing selfie..

So the big surprise, to me, is that I did not actually sign divorce papers today.  What we have signed is a document stating that our separation term has been met and we have agreed to the settlement of the property.  Nothing more and nothing less.  We still have to get divorced!!  Actually, I just this minute got off the phone with Joan and she still wasn't clear on what we need to do.  I think she was aware that she had only signed separation papers but wasn't sure what to do next or if we were divorced at this point.  I wouldn't know either if I hadn't asked Karen, after I'd signed the papers.

What we will have to do now is hire just one of the lawyers to draw up the actual divorce papers, sign them, get them to a judge and then it will finally be over.  This will mean a little more money and little more time, but obviously the hard part is over with.  Whew?

After this brief, uneventful signing that didn't quite bring closure, the legal assistant Karen asked me if she could tell me something and I said sure.  Then, very emphatically, she said I was gorgeous.  She said it a couple of times and said that she loved my hair.  I told her she probably had no idea what to expect, after all my name had been changed during the course of this drawn out separation period.  In fact, she told me when I asked about the actual divorce, that it might have to be signed in my old name. 

No, she said, she's had friends who transitioned and even lived in California once.  I take that to mean to she has seen and known other transgender people before, and I assume she has read about some of us and seen us on tv, internet etc.  Still, in my mind, with me she had no idea what to expect today.  But she made a point of telling me again that I was just gorgeous.  Like it was a big surprise to her, but it did make my day and was a kind of confidence builder as well.  If nothing else it was a show of support which I really appreciate.  And here I'd worried that I would be stuck in front of a stodgy old southern attorney who might misgender me.....

A little shopping therapy at Golden East Mall this afternoon.

So I took the afternoon for a little retail therapy and I've felt great today.  I have to be honest and say that the vast majority of my pain lately is still coming from the loss of my father.  It is getting a little bit easier as the days go by but I will always hold his memory close to my heart and be inspired by his love, acceptance and belief in me.  Having Mitchell in my life in such a strong, loving relationship, maintaining Joan as a friend, and time have healed 99% of any wounds from us having to separate.  Some guilt remains, but if my people will be okay with my helping her out a little bit here and there I am sure I can live with that.  I just don't abandon people and believe in living up to my commitments. 

One last word on the Facebook fiasco.  One of the comments I made on the support group thread kind of sums it up for me....

I will tell y'all this. The Darkest post I put on my timeline had a lot of supportive people comment on it, including my Therapist.  If she had been really alarmed you can bet she would have contacted me in person.....

Flowers from Mitchell last weekend, just to see a smile on my face.  They worked!

I am going to keep spreading my Positive message here, near and far.  Soon, this divorce will be behind me and I can move on a little bit more with the rest of my bright future.  I might feel down every once in awhile but nothing is going to bring me down.  I've never been more excited in my life, about my life. There is my mom to take care of, my dogs, my man and maybe more in the not so distant future...so stay tuned!